^CHEERFUL 
SMUGGLERS 


ELLIS 
PARKER 
BUTLER 


GEORGE  HOLMES  HOWISON 


L 

ff 


The 
Cheerful  Smugglers 


omestic  tariff1  M 


The 
Cheerful  Smugglers 

By 

Ellis  Parker  Butler 

Author  of  "  Confessions  of  a  Daddy," 
"  Pigs  is  Pigs,"  etc. 

With  illustrations  by 
May  Wilson  Preston 


New  York 
The  Century  Co. 

1908 


Copyright,  1908,  by 
THE  CENTURY  Co. 


Copyright,  1907,  by 
The  Phelps  Publishing  Co. 


Published,  May,  igo8 


vav 


THE    DE  VINNE    PRESS 


Contents 


CHAPTER 


PAGE 


i  THE  FENELBY  TARIFF  ....  3 

ii  THE  Box  OF  BON-BONS  ...  34 

in  KITTY'S  TRUNKS 57 

iv  BILLY 91 

v  THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST  .  .  .  no 

vi  BRIDGET 139 

vii  THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE     .     .  158 

vni  THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR  .     .     .  189 

ix  BOBBERTS  INTERVENES      .     .     .  206 

x  TARIFF  REFORM 229 

xi  THE  COUP  D'ETAT 251 


B6I092 


List  of  Illustrations 

"'We  ought  to  have  a  domestic  tarifP" 

PAGE 

"She  was  busy  with  Bobberts"   ...        27 
Bobberts 39 

"Mrs.  Fenelby  handed  Kitty's  bag 
gage-checks  to  Tom" 55 

"Never  in  the  history  of  trunks  was  the 
act  of  unpacking  done  so  quickly  or 
so  recklessly" .  81 

"With  all  the  grace  of  a  Sandow"  .     .        87 

"  'I  declare  one  collar'  " 103 

"When  the  6: 02  pulled  in"  ....      193 


vii 


The 
Cheerful  Smugglers 


The 
Cheerful  Smugglers 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

B)BBERTS  was  the  baby,  and  ever 
since  Bobberts  was  born — and 
that    was    nine  months  next 
Wednesday,  and  just  look  what  a  big, 
fat  boy  he  is  now! — his  parents  had 
been  putting  all  their  pennies  into  a 
little  pottery  pig,  so  that  when  Bob 
berts  reached  the  proper  age  he  could 

[3] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

go  to  college.  The  money  in  the  little 
pig  bank  was  officially  known  as 
"Bobberts5  Education  Fund,"  and 
next  to  Bobberts  himself  was  the 
thing  in  the  house  most  talked  about. 
It  was  "Tom,  dear,  have  you  put  your 
pennies  in  the  bank  this  evening?"  or 
"I  say,  Laura,  how  about  Bobberts' 
pennies  today.  Are  you  holding  out 
on  him?"  And  then,  when  they  came 
to  count  the  contents  of  the  bank, 
there  were  only  twenty-three  dollars 
and  thirty-eight  cents  in  it  after  nine 
months  of  faithful  penny  contribu 
tions. 

That  was  how  Fenelby,  who  had  a 
great  mind  for  such  things,  came  to 

[4] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

think  of  the  Fenelby  tariff.  It  was 
evident  that  the  penny  system  could 
not  be  counted  on  to  pile  up  a  sum 
large  enough  to  see  Bobberts  through 
Yale  and  leave  a  margin  big  enough 
for  him  to  live  on  while  he  was  get 
ting  firmly  established  in  his  profes 
sion,  whatever  that  profession  might 
be.  What  was  needed  in  the  Fenelby 
family  was  a  system  that  would  save 
money  for  Bobberts  gently  and  easily, 
and  that  would  not  be  easy  to  forget 
nor  be  too  palpable  a  strain  on  the 
Fenelby  income.  Something  that 
would  make  them  save  in  spite  of 
themselves ;  not  a  direct  tax,  but  what 
you  might  call  an  indirect  tax — and 

m 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

right  there  was  where  and  how  the 
idea  came  to  Fenelby. 

"That  's  the  idea!"  he  said  to  Mrs. 
Fenelby.  "That  is  the  very  thing  we 
want!  An  indirect  tax,  just  as  this 
nation  pays  its  taxes,  and  the  tariff  is 
the  very  thing!  It 's  as  simple  as  A  B 
C.  The  nation  charges  a  duty  on 
everything  that  comes  into  the  coun 
try;  we  will  charge  a  duty  on  every 
thing  that  comes  into  the  house,  and 
the  money  goes  into  Bobberts'  educa 
tion  fund.  We  won't  miss  the  money 
that  way.  That  's  the  beauty  of  an 
indirect  tax:  you  don't  know  you  are 
paying  it.  The  government  collects 
a  little  on  one  thing  that  is  imported, 
[6] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

and  a  little  on  another,  and  no  one 
cares,  because  the  amount  is  so  small 
on  each  thing,  and  yet  look  at  the 
total — hundreds  of  millions  of  dol 
lars!" 

"Goodness!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby.  "Can  we  save  that  much  for 
Bobberts?  Of  course,  not  hundreds 
of  millions;  but  if  we  could  save  even 
one  hundred  thousand  dollars — " 

"Laura,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  "I 
don't  believe  you  understand  what  I 
mean.  If  you  would  pay  a  little 
closer  attention  when  I  am  explaining 
things  you  would  understand  better. 
A  tariff  does  n't  make  money  out  of 
nothing.  How  could  we  save  a  hun- 

[7] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

dred  thousand  dollars  out  of  mv  sal- 

* 

ary,  when  the  whole  salary  is  only 
twenty-five  hundred  dollars  a  year, 
and  we  spend  every  cent  of  it?" 

"But,  Tom  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
"how  can  I  help  spending  it?  You 
know  I  am  just  as  economical  as  I  can 
be.  You  said  yourself  that  we 
could  n't  live  on  a  cent  less  than  we 
are  spending.  You  know  I  would  be 
only  too  glad  to  save,  if  I  could,  and 
I  did  n't  get  that  new  dress  until  you 
just  begged  and  begged  me  to  get  it, 
and—" 

"I  know,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  kindly. 
"I  think  you  do  wonders  with  that 
twenty-five  hundred.  I  don't  see  how 
[8] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

you  do  it;  I  could  n't.  And  that  is 
just  why  I  say  we  ought  to  have  a  do 
mestic  tariff.  I  don't  see  how  we  can 
ever  save  enough  to  send  Bobberts  to 
college  unless  we  have  some  system. 
We  spend  every  cent  of  my  twenty- 
five  hundred  dollars  every  year,  and 
we  could  never  in  the  world  take  two 
hundred  and  fifty  dollars  out  of  it  at 
one  time  and  put  it  in  the  bank  for 
Bobberts,  could  we?  We  never  have 
two  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  at  one 
time.  And  yet  two  hundred  and  fifty 
dollars  is  only  ten  per  cent,  of  my 
yearly  salary.  But  if  I  buy  a  cigar  for 
ten  cents  it  would  be  no  hardship  for 
me  to  put  a  cent  in  the  bank  for  Bob- 

[9] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

berts,  would  it?  Not  a  bit!  And  if 
you  buy  an  ice  cream  soda;  it  would 
not  cramp  our  finances  to  put  a  cent  in 
the  bank  for  each  soda,  would  it*? 
And  yet  a  cent  is  ten  per  cent,  of  a 
dime/' 

"That  is  very  simple  and  very 
easy,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  "and  I 
think  it  would  be  a  very  good  plan.  I 
think  we  ought  to  begin  at  once." 

"So  do  I,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby.  "But 
we  don't  want  to  begin  a  thing  like 
this  and  then  let  it  slip  from  our 
minds  after  a  day  or  two.  If  the  gov 
ernment  did  that  the  nation's  revenue 
would  all  fade  away.  We  ought  to 
go  at  it  in  a  business-like  way,  just  as 
[10] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

the  United  States  would  do  it.  We 
ought  to  write  it  down,  and  then  live 
up  to  it.  Now,  I  '11  write  it  down." 
Mr.  Fenelby  went  to  his  desk  and 
took  a  seat  before  it.  He  opened  the 
desk  and  pulled  from  beneath  the  pile 
of  loose  papers  and  tissue  patterns 
with  which  it  was  littered  the  large 
blankbook  in  which  Mrs.  Fenelby,  in 
one  of  her  spurts  of  economical  sys 
tem,  had  once  begun  a  record  of 
household  expenditures  —  a  bother 
some  business  that  lasted  until  she 
had  to  foot  up  the  first  week's  figures, 
and  then  stopped.  There  were  plenty 
of  blank  leaves  in  the  book.  Mr.  Fen 
elby  dipped  his  pen  in  the  ink.  Mrs. 

[11] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Fenelby  took  up  her  sewing,  and  be 
gan  to  stitch  a  seam.  Bobberts  lay 
asleep  on  the  lounge  at  the  other  side 
of  the  room. 

Mr.  Fenelby  was  not  over  thirty. 
His  chubby,  smiling  face  radiated  en 
thusiasm,  and  if  he  was  not  very  tall 
he  had  a  noble  forehead  that  rounded 
up  to  meet  the  baldness  that  began  so 
far  back  that  his  hat  showed  a  little 
half-moon  of  baldness  at  the  back. 
He  looked  cheerfully  at  the  world 
through  rather  strong  spectacles,  and 
everyone  said  how  much  he  looked 
like  Bobberts.  Mrs.  Fenelby  was 
younger,  but  she  took  a  much  more 
matter-of-fact  view  of  life  and  things, 
[12] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

and  Mr.  Fenelby  never  ceased  con 
gratulating  himself  on  having  married 
her.  "My  wife  Laura,"  he  would  say 
to  his  friends,  "has  great  executive 
ability.  She  is  a  wonder.  I  let  her 
attend  to  the  little  details."  The  truth 
was  that  she  managed  him,  and  man 
aged  the  house,  and  managed  all  their 
affairs.  She  took  to  the  management 
naturally  and  Mr.  Fenelby  did  not 
know  that  he  was  being  managed. 
They  were  very  happy. 

Mr.  Fenelby  turned  toward  his 
wife  suddenly,  still  holding  his  pen  in 
his  hand.  He  had  not  written  a  word, 
but  his  face  glowed. 

"I  tell  you,  Laura!"  he  exclaimed. 

[13] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"This  is  the  best  idea  we  have  had 
since  we  were  married!  It  is  a  big 
idea!  What  we  ought  to  do — what 
we  will  do — is  to  have  a  family  con 
gress  and  adopt  this  tariff  in  the  right 
way,  and  write  it  dowrn.  That  is  what 
we  will  do — and  then,  any  time  we 
want  to  change  the  tariff  we  will  have 
a  session  of  the  family  congress,  and 


vote  on  it." 


"That  will  be  nice,  Tom,3'  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby,  biting  off  her  thread, 
but  not  looking  up.  Mr.  Fenelby 
turned  back  to  his  blankbook.  He 
dipped  his  pen  in  the  ink  again,  and 
hesitated. 

"How  would  it  do,"  he  asked,  turn- 

[14] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

ing  to  Laura  again,  "to  call  it  the 
'United  States  of  Fenelby?'  Or  the 
'Commonwealth  of  Fenelby?  No!" 
he  exclaimed,  "I  '11  tell  you  what  we 
will  call  it — we  will  call  it  the  'Com 
monwealth  of  Bobberts,'  for  that  is 
what  it  is.  'The  Domestic  Tariff  of 
the  Commonwealth  of  Bobberts!' : 

"Yes,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  holding 
up  her  sewing  and  looking  at  it  with 
her  head  tilted  to  one  side,  "that  will 
be  nice." 

Mr.  Fenelby  wrote  it  in  his  blank- 
book,  at  the  top  of  the  first  blank  page. 

"Fine!"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  growing 
more  enthusiastic  as  the  idea  ex 
panded  in  his  mind.  "And  the  con- 

[15] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

gress  will  be  composed  of  everyone  in 
the  family.  No  taxation  without  rep 
resentation,  you  know — that  is  the 
American  way  of  doing  things. 
Everything  that  comes  into  the  house 
has  to  pay  a  duty,  so  everyone  in  the 
family  has  a  vote,  and  every  so  often 
the  congress  will  meet  in  the  parlor 
here—" 

"Does  Bobberts  have  a  vote?" 
asked  Mrs.  Fenelby. 

"Ah — well,  Bobberts  is  hardly  old 
enough,  you  know,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby 
hesitatingly.  "We  will — No,"  he  said 
with  sudden  inspiration,  "Bobberts 
will  not  have  a  vote.  Bobberts  will  be 
a  Territory!  That  is  it.  Grown- 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

ups  will  be  States  and  infants  will  be 
Territories.  Bobberts  can't  vote,  but 
he  can  attend  the  meetings  of  congress 
and  he  can  have  a  voice  in  the  debates. 
He  can  oppose  any  measure  with  his 
voice — " 

"I  should  think  he  could!"  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby. 

Mr.  Fenelby  turned  to  his  desk  and 
wrote  in  the  book  a  brief  outline  of 
the  Constitution  of  the  Common 
wealth  of  Bobberts.  Mrs.  Fenelby 
creased  a  tuck  into  the  little  dress  she 
was  making.  She  did  it  by  pinning 
one  end  of  the  sheer  linen  to  her  knee 
and  then  running  her  thumb  up  and 
down  the  folded  tuck.  Suddenly  the 

[17] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

door  opened  and  Bridget  entered  with 
aggressive  quietness.  She  was  a  plain 
faced  Irishwoman,  and  the  way  she 
wore  her  hair,  straight  back  from  her 
brow,  had  in  itself  an  air  of  constant 
readiness  to  do  battle  for  her  rights. 
When  she  was  noisy  her  noise  was  a 
challenge,  and  when  she  was  quiet 
her  quietness  was  full  of  mute  asser- 

9 

tiveness.  It  was  as  if,  when  she 
wished  to  enter  a  room  quietly,  she 
was  not  content  to  enter  it  quietly  and 
be  satisfied  with  that,  but  first  pre 
pared  for  it  by  draping  herself  in 
strings  of  cow-bells  and  sleigh-bells, 
and  then  entered  on  tip-toe  with  pain 
ful  care. 

[18] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

"Missus  Fenelby,  ma'am,"  said 
Bridget,  in  a  loud  whisper,  "would  ye 
be  havin'  th'  milkman  lave  wan  or 
two  quarts  ov  milk  in  th'  mornin'  ?" 

"Why,  Bridget,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
"have  n't  I  told  you  we  always  want 
two  quarts'?" 

"Yis,  ma'am,"  said  Bridget.  "An' 
ye  can't  say  that  ye  have  n't  got  thim 
iv'ry  mornin',  either.  If  ye  can,  an' 
wish  t'  say  it,  ma'am,  ye  may  as  well 
say  it  now  as  another  toime.  I  may 
have  me  faults,  ma'am — " 

"You  have  always  attended  to  the 
milkman  just  as  I  wished,"  said  Mrs. 
Fenelby,  cheerfully.  "Exactly  as  I 
wanted  you  to,"  she  added,  for  Brid- 

[19] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

get  still  waited.  "And  we  will  con 
tinue  to  get  two  quarts  a  day." 

"Very    well,    ma'am,"    whispered 

i 

Bridget.  "I  was  just  thinkin'  mebby 
ye  had  changed  yer  moind  about  how 
much  t'  git.  It  is  all  th'  same  t'  me, 
Missus  Fenelby,  ma'am,  how  much  ye 
git.  I  am  not  wan  of  thim  that  don't 
allow  th'  lady  ov  th'  house  t'  change 
her  moind  if  she  wants  to.  I  take  no 
offince  if  she  changes  her  moind.  I 
am  used  t'  sich  goin's  on,  mam,  an' 
I  know  my  place  an'  don't  wish  t' 
dictate.  Wan  quart  or  two  quarts 
or  three  quarts  is  all  th'  same  t' 


me." 


"Bridget,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  lay- 
[20] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

ing  down  her  sewing,  "do  we  need 
three  quarts  of  milk?" 

"No,  ma'am/'  said  Bridget. 

"Well,"  asked  Mrs.  Fenelby,  "are 
two  quarts  too  much?" 

"No,  ma'am,"  said  Bridget.  "But  if 
ye  wanted  t'  change  yer  moind — " 

"Not  at  all!"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
kindly  but  firmly.  "Good-night, 
Bridget." 

Bridget  backed  out  of  the  door,  and 
Mr.  Fenelby,  who  had  kept  his  head 
close  to  his  book,  turned  to  his  wife 
with  a  frown  on  his  brow. 

"What  is  it,  dear?"  asked  Mrs. 
Fenelby,  after  a  fleeting  glance  at  his 
face. 

[21] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Laura,"  he  said,  "what  shall  we 
do  with  Bridget?" 

Mrs.  Fenelby  looked  up  quickly. 
She  quite  forgot  her  sewing. 

"Do  with  Bridget?"  she  asked. 
"What  do  you  mean,  Tom?  Has 
Bridget  said  anything  about  leaving? 
And  I  was  only  this  afternoon  con 
gratulating  myself  on  how  good  she 
was !  I  declare  I  don't  know  what  this 
world  is  going  to  do  for  servants — we 
pay  Bridget  more  than  anyone  in  this 
town,  I  know  we  do,  and  treat  her 
like  one  of  the  family,  almost,  and 
now  she  is  going  to  leave!  It  's  dis 
couraging  !  When  did  she  tell  you  she 
was  going  to  leave?" 
[22] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 
"Leave?"  exclaimed  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"I  never  thought  of  such  a  thing.  I 
was  only  wondering  what  to  do  with 
her  in — in  the  Commonwealth  of  Bob- 
berts." 

"Oh!"  cried  Mrs.  Fenelby,  with  a 
sigh  of  profound  relief.  She  took  up 
her  sewing  again,  and  bent  her  head 
over  it.  "Is  that  all!  Of  course 
Bridget  expects  to  be  treated  like  one 
of  the  family.  I  told  her  when  she 
came  that  I  always  treated  my  maids 
as  part  of  the  family." 

"But  we  can't  have  Bridget  come 
in  and  sit  with  us  whenever  we  have 
a  session  of  congress,"  said  Mr.  Fen 
elby. 

[23] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Certainly  not!"  said  Mrs.  Fenel- 
by,  very  decidedly.  "I  would  n't 
think  of  such  a  thing!" 

"So  she  can't  be  a  State,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby,  "and  if  we  made  her  a  Terri 
tory  it  would  be  as  bad.  She  could 
come  in  and  talk.  She  would  insist 
on  talking." 

"And  if  we  did  not  let  her,"  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby,  "she  would  leave,  and 
I  know  we  could  never  get  another 
girl  as  good  as  Bridget." 

"Now  you  get  some  idea  of  the  hard 
work  our  forefathers  had  when  they 
made  the  United  States,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby,  rising  and  walking  up  and 
down  the  room.  "But  of  course  they 

[24] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

had  no  case  like  Bridget.  Bridget  is 
more  like  a — more  like  the  Philip 
pines.  Well!"  he  exclaimed,  "it  is  a 
wonder  I  did  n't  think  of  that  in  the 
first  place!" 

/'What,  dear?"  asked  his  wife. 

'That  Bridget  is  a  colony,"  said 
Mr.  Fenelby.  "That  is  just  what  she 
is!  She  is  a  foreign  possession,  con 
trolled  by  the  nation,  but  having  no 
voice  in  its  affairs.  She  can  pay  taxes, 
but  she  can't  vote." 

He  hurriedly  wrote  the  final  words 
of  the  Constitution  of  the  Common 
wealth  of  Bobberts  in  his  book  and 
drew  a  line  underneath  it,  for  Bob 
berts  was  showing  signs  of  awaken- 

[25] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

ing.  Under  the  line  Mr.  Fenelby 
wrote  "First  Session  of  Congress." 

Bobberts  awoke  in  a  good  humor, 
ready  for  his  evening  meal,  and  Mrs. 
Fenelby  put  aside  her  sewing  and  took 
him. 

"I  am  glad  Bobberts  is  awake,"  said 
Mr.  Fenelby,  "because  now  we  can  go 
ahead  and  vote  on  the  tariff.  I 
would  n't  like  to  do  it  if  he  was  not 
present,  because  he  has  a  right  to  take 
part  in  the  debate,  and  it  would  not 
be  fair  to  hold  the  first  session  without 
a  full  representation.  Now,  suppose 
we  make  the  duty  on  all  goods  and 
things  brought  into  the  house  an  even 
ten  per  cent.?" 

[26] 


"She  was  busy  with  Bobberts" 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

"That  would  be  nice,"  said  Mrs. 
Fenelby,  absently,  for  she  was  busy 
with  Bobberts.  "How  much  is  ten 
per  cent,  of  twenty-five  hundred  dol 
lars,  Tom?" 

"Two  hundred  and  fifty,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby,  "and  that  is  what  we  ought 
to  save  for  Bobberts  every  year.  Ten 
per  cent,  will  just  do  it." 

He  had  his  pen  ready  to  write  it  in 
the  book,  when  a  new  difficulty  came 
to*  mindo 

"Laura!"  he  exclaimed.  "Ten  per 
cent,  will  not  do  it!  What  about  the 
rent?  We  spend  fifty  dollars  a  month 
for  rent,  and  that  is  nothing  we  bring 
into  the  house.  And  theater  tickets, 

[29] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

when  you  go  to  town  and  buy  them 
there  and  use  them  before  you  come 
home.  And  my  lunches.  And  my 
club  dues.  And  your  pew  rent.  And 
ice  cream  sodas.  And  all  that  sort  of 
thing.  We  could  n't  collect  a  cent  of 
duty  on  any  of  those  things,  because 
we  don't  bring  them  into  the  house. 
Ten  per  cent,  is  not  enough.  We 
ought  to  make  it  at  least — " 

He  figured  roughly  on  a  sneet  of 
paper,  while  the  other  State  and  the 
Territory  attended  strictly  to  their 
occupation  of  feeding  the  Territory. 

"I  should  say,  roughly  speaking," 
said  Mr.  Fenelby,  "that  to  raise  two 
hundred  and  fifty  dollars  a  year  we 

[30] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

ought  to  make  the  duty  sixteen  and 
three-quarters  per  cent.,  but  I  don't 
think  that  is  advisable.  It  would  be 
too  hard  to  figure.  I  might  be  able  to 
do  it,  Laura,  but  if  you  bought  a  waist 
for  one  dollar  and  ninety-eight  cents, 
and  had  to  figure  sixteen  and  three- 
quarters  per  cent,  on  it,  I  don't  believe 
you  could  do  it." 

"The  idea !"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby.  "I 
would  never  think  of  buying  a  waist 
for  one  dollar  and  ninety-eight  cents. 
I  try  to  be  economical,  Tom,  but  you 
know  you  always  like  me  to  look  well, 
and  those  cheap  waists  do  not  look 
well,  and  they  are  really  dearer  in  the 
long  run,  because  they  get  out  of 

[31] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

shape  in  a  few  days,  and  never  wear 
well,  anyway.  The  very  cheapest 
waist  I  have  bought  for  years  was  that 
one  I  got  for  three  dollars  and  forty- 
seven  cents,  and  I  could  have  done 
much  better  if  I  had  bought  the  goods 
and  made  it  up  myself." 

"Ah — yes,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  hesi 
tatingly.  "I  am  afraid  you  did  not 
just  catch  my  meaning,  Laura.  It  does 
not  make  any  difference  whether  the 
waist  costs  one  dollar  and  ninety- 
eight  cents  or  twelve  dollars  and  six 
ty-three  cents.  I  mean  that  it  would 
be  a  hard  job  to  figure  sixteen  and 
three-quarters  per  cent,  of  it.  Sup 
pose  we  leave  the  duty  at  ten  per  cent. 

[32] 


THE  FENELBY  TARIFF 

on  necessities,  and  make  it  thirty  per 
cent,  on  luxuries'?  That  ought  to  make 
it  come  out  about  two  hundred  and 
fifty  dollars  a  year,  and  if  it  does  not 
we  can  have  a  meeting  of  congress  any 
time  and  raise  the  duty." 

"That  would  be  very  nice/'  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby. 

So  it  was  decided  that  the  tariff 
duty  on  necessities  was  to  be  ten  per 
cent.,  and  that  on  luxuries  it  should 
be  thirty  per  cent.,  and  Mr.  Fenelby 
wrote  down  in  the  book  these  facts, 
and  the  Fenelby  Tariff  was  in  effect. 


[33] 


II 

THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

THE  financial  arrangements  of 
the  Fenelbys  were  extremely 
simple.  Every  week  Mr. 
Fenelby  received  his  salary  and 
brought  every  cent  of  it  home  to 
Laura.  Out  of  this  she  handed  him 
back  a  sum  that  was  unvaryingly  the 
same,  and  with  this  Mr.  Fenelby  paid 
his  car-fares,  bought  his  evening  pa 
pers,  his  cigars,  and  such  other  little 
things  as  a  man  finds  necessary.  It 
was  a  very  small  sum,  and  Mr.  Fen- 

[34] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

elby  could  not  have  afforded  the 
pleasures  of  a  club,  nor  many  other 
things  he  did  afford,  had  he  not  been 
able  to  add  to  his  purse  by  writing 
occasional  bits  of  fiction  and  jokes  for 
the  lighter  magazines.  Some  months 
this  additional  money  amounted  to 
quite  a  sum,  and  when  it  more  than 
paid  his  expenses,  he  would  make 
Laura  a  little  present,  but  it  was  un 
derstood  that  this  money  was  his,  and 
that  it  was  something  quite  outside 
the  regular  income  of  the  family,  and 
not  to  be  counted  on  for  household  ex 
penses.  The  result  was  that  some 
times  Mr.  Fenelby  had  quite  a  sum  in 
his  pockets,  and  sometimes  he  had 

[35] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

hard  work  to  make  his  car-fare  money 
last  through  the  week. 

But  one  thing  he  never  neglected 
was  to  bring  home  to  his  wife  a  box  of 
bon-bons  every  Saturday  evening,  and 
one  of  the  things  that  Mrs.  Fenelby 
flaunted  before  her  female  friends 
was  the  fact  that  although  she  had 
been  married  for  five  years  Tom  never 
missed  the  box  of  candy.  This  was 
the  visible  sign  that  his  love  had  not 
declined,  and  that  he  still  had  a  lov 
er's  thoughtfulness. 

On  the  Friday  after  the  Fenelby 
Tariff  had  been  adopted,  Mr.  Fenelby 
came  home  with  a  box  of  cigars  under 
his  arm.  It  was  his  usual  box  of 

[36] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

twenty-five,  and  the  usual  brand,  for 
which  he  paid  ten  cents  each,  and 
after  he  had  kissed  Laura  he  gaily  de 
posited  twenty-five  cents  in  Bobberts' 
bank.  This  was  the  first  money  he 
had  put  in  the  bank  under  the  new 
tariff  laws,  and  he  took  an  especial 
pleasure  in  depositing  it.  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby  had  put  many  pennies  and 
nickels  in  the  bank  during  the  week, 
because  she  had  had  to  buy  a  number 
of  things  from  the  vegetable  man,  and 
others. 

"How  much  did  you  put  in,  dear?" 
asked  Mrs.  Fenelby,  as  she  heard 
the  coin  rattle  down  among  its 
fellows. 

[37] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"A  quarter,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
gaily.  "I  tell  you,  Laura,  that  boy 
will  soon  have  a  lot  of  money  if  it 
keeps  coming  in  at  that  rate.  A  quar 
ter  here,  and  a  quarter  there!  It  is 
amazing  how  it  mounts  up." 

"Yes,"  she  answered.  "But 
should  n't  you  put  in  seventy-five 
cents,  Tom?  Cigars  are  a  luxury, 
are  n't  they?  And  you  know  you  said 
luxuries  were  thirty  per  cent." 

Mr.  Fenelby  turned  quickly. 

"Nonsense!"  he  said.  "Any  man 
will  .tell  you  that  cigars  are  an  abso 
lute  necessity.  Just  as  much  so  as 
food  or  drink  or  clothing.  Every  one 
knows  that,  Laura." 

[38] 


Bobberts 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

"Why,  Tom,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
"you  told  me,  only  last  night,  when  I 
merely  hinted  that  you  were  smoking 
too  much,  that  you  could  quit  any  min 
ute  you  chose,  and  that  it  had  no  hold 
on  you  whatever.  You  said  you  only 
smoked  a  little  for  the  pleasure  it 
gave  you,  and  that  there  was  no  dan 
ger  at  all  of  its  ever  becoming  a  neces 
sity  to  you.  Of  course,  I  don't  care, 
for  myself,  what  you  put  in  the  bank, 
but  I  should  not  think  you  would 
want  to  rob  poor  little  Bobberts  of 
what  he  really  should  have,  just  be 
cause  you  can  twist  out  of  it  by  claim- 
ing-" 

There  were  signs  of  tears,  and  Mr. 

[41] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Fenelby  cheerfully  stepped  up  and 
dropped  fifty  cents  more  into  the 
bank.  It  was  one  of  his  periods  of 
plenty,  and  he  would  have  been  will 
ing  to  put  dollars  into  the  bank,  in 
stead  of  quarters,  rather  than  have 
Laura  think  he  was  trying  to  defraud 
Bobberts.  He  explained  to  Laura 
that  all  he  wanted  to  know  was  what 
he  really  ought  to  pay,  and  then  he 
would  pay  it  cheerfully.  Probably  all 
men  are  like  that.  They  only  want  to 
have  their  taxes  assessed  fairly,  and 
they  will  pay  them  joyfully.  One  of 
the  prettiest  sights  imaginable  is  to 
see  the  tax-payers  gleefully  crowding 
to  pay  their  taxes.  I  say  imaginable, 

[42] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

because  it  is  one  of  the  sights  that  has 
to  be  imagined. 

The  next  evening  was  warm,  and 
Bobberts  was  sleeping  nicely,  so  Mrs. 
Fenelby  walked  part  of  the  way  to  the 
station  to  meet  Tom  when  he  came 
home,  and  her  eyes  brightened  when 
she  saw  the  square  parcel  that  she 
knew  to  be  the  box  of  candy,  in  his 
hand.  He  kissed  her,  right  there  on 
the  street,  as  suburban  husbands  are 
not  ashamed  to  do,  and  put  the  box  of 
candy  in  her  hand. 

"And  what  do  you  think  my  news 
is?"  he  asked,  after  he  had  asked 
about  Bobberts.  "Brother  Bill  is  com 
ing  to  make  us  that  visit  that  he 

[43] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

has  been  promising  for  ever  so 
long-" 

"Torn!"  cried  Laura.  "And  what 
do  you  think  my  news  is?  Kitty  is 
coming  to  spend  two  weeks  with  us! 
Is  n't  that  the  jolliest  thing  you  ever 
heard  of?  Both  coming  at  the  same 
time!  I  wonder  if  they — " 

"Well,"  said  Tom,  who  generally 
had  a  pretty  clear  idea  of  what  Laura 
meant  to  say  next,  "if  they  did  fall  in 
love  with  each  other,  it  would  not  be 
such  a  bad  match.  Your  cousin  Kitty 
is  as  nice  as  any  girl  I  know,  and  I 
rather  think  Billy  is  n't  such  a  bad 
sort.  Anyway,  they  will  make  it 
pleasant  for  each  other." 

[44] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

"It  will  brighten  us  up  all  around  to 
have  them  here,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
"I  wonder  whether  we  ought  to  make 
them  pay  tariff  on  things.  That  was 
the  first  thing  I  thought  of,  when  I 
read  that  Kitty  meant  to  visit  us.  It 
does  seem  a  little  like  inhospitality,  to 
make  them  pay  tariff." 

"Not  a  bit !"  said  Tom.  "They  will 
like  it.  It  will  be  a  lot  of  fun  for 
them,  and  you  know  it  will,  Laura. 
Would  we  like  to  be  left  out  of  any 
thing  of  that  kind  if  we  were  visiting 
any  one?  Of  course  not.  I  don't 
know  Kitty  as  well  as  you  do,  but 
speaking  for  Billy  I  can  say  that  he 
would  be  mighty  hurt  if  we  did  not 

[45] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

treat  him  just  as  we  treat  the  rest  of 
the  family.  He  will  think  it  is  a  jolly 
game." 

"I  am  not  afraid  of  how  Kitty  will 
take  it,  when  I  tell  her  it  is  all  for  the 
benefit  of  Bobberts.  She  will  be 
wild  about  the  tariff.  The  only  thing 
I  am  afraid  of  is  that  she  will  go  and 
buy  things  she  does  n't  need  or  want, 
just  in  order  that  she  can  put  money 
in  Bobberts'  bank,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
"I  told  Bridget  about  the  tariff  to-day, 
and  she  was  so  interested !  Every  one 
I  tell  about  it  thinks  it  is  a  splendid 
idea,  and  wonders  how  you  could 
think  of  it." 

"I  do  think  of  some  things   that 

[46] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

other  people  do  not  think  of,"  said 
Mr.  Fenelby,  rather  proudly;  "but 
that  is  because  I  accustom  myself  to 
use  my  brains." 

"But  it  is  surprising  how  a  little 
thing  like  this  tariff  counts  up!"  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby.  "My  bills  this  week 
were  fourteen  dollars,  and  I  had  to 
put  a  dollar  and  forty  cents  into  Bob- 
berts'  bank,  and  then  I  had  to  pay 
Bridget's  month's  wages  to-day,  but  I 
did  n't  have  to  pay  any  tariff  on  that, 
and  I  had  to  pay  the  gas  bill,  too;  but 
I  did  n't  have  to  pay  any  tariff  on 
that,  thank  goodness — " 

"Of  course  you  have  to  pay  tariff 
on  the  gas  bill!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Fen- 

[47] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

elby.  "The  gas  came  into  the  house, 
did  n't  it?" 

"But  you  said  I  did  n't  have  to  pay 
tariff  on  the  rent  bill,"  argued  Laura; 
"and  the  rent  bill  is  just  as  much  a  bill 
as  the  gas  bill  is.  You  know  very 
well,  Tom,  that  we  always  figure  on 
those  three  things  as  if  they  were  just 
alike — the  rent,  and  the  gas,  and 
Bridget, — and  I  don't  see  why,  if 
there  is  a  tariff  on  gas  why  there  should 
not  be  one  on  rent." 

"Rent  is  n't  a  thing  that  comes  into 
the  house,"  explained  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"You  can't  see  rent." 

"You  can't  see  gas,"  said  Mrs.  Fen 
elby. 

"You  can  see  it  if  it  is  lighted,"  said 

[48] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

Mr.  Fenelby,  "and  you  can  smell  it 
any  time  you  want  to.  Gas  is  a  real 
object,  or  thing,  and  we  buy  it,  and  it 
pays  a  duty." 

"Very  well,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
'Then  I  ought  to  pay  duty  on  Bridget, 
too.  She  is  a  real  thing,  and  we  pay 
money  for  her,  just  as  much  as  we 
do  for  gas,  and  she  is  a  thing  that 
comes  into  the  house.  If  I  don't  pay 
on  Bridget,  I  don't  see  why  I  should 
pay  on  the  gas.  The  next  thing  you 
will  be  saying  that  Bridget  is  a  luxury, 
and  that  I  ought  to  pay  thirty  per  cent. 
on  her!  Probably  I  ought  to  pay  a 
duty  on  Bobberts!  I  don't  think  it  is 
fair  that  I  should  pay  on  everything. 
I  will  not  pay  ten  per  cent,  on  the  gas 

[49] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

bill.  Everything  seems  to  come  the 
same  day." 

"Laura!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Fenelby, 
with  sudden  joy,  "you  don't  have  to 
pay  on  the  gas  bill  this  month!  I 
wonder  I  had  n't  thought  of  it.  That 
gas  bill  is  for  gas  used  before  the  tariff 
was  adopted!  And  now  that  you 
know  about  it,  you  will  expect  to  pay 
next  month." 

"I  shall  warn  Bridget  again  about 
using  so  much  in  the  range,"  said 
Laura.  "We  shall  have  to  economize 
very  carefully,  Tom.  I  can  see  that. 
The  tariff  is  going  to  make  our  living 
very  expensive." 

They  had  reached  the  house,  and 

[50] 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

had  lingered  a  minute  on  the  porch, 
and  now  they  went  inside,  for  they 
heard  the  dinner-bell  tinkle. 

"You  had  better  drop  eight  cents  in 
the  bank  before  you  forget  it,"  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby. 

"Eight  cents?"  inquired  Tom,  quite 
at  a  loss  to  remember  what  he  was  to 
pay  eight  cents  for. 

"Eight  cents,"  repeated  his  wife. 
"For  the  candy.  It  is  eighty  cents  a 
pound,  is  n't  it?  But  it  is  a  luxury, 
is  n't  it?  That  would  be  twenty-four 
cents!" 

"Yes,  twenty-four  cents,"  said 
Tom,  smiling.  "Twenty- four  cents; 
but  I  don't  pay  it.  You  pay  it." 

[51] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"I  pay  it!"  cried  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
"The  idea!  I  did  n't  buy  the  candy. 
I  did  n't  even  ask  you  to  buy  it,  Tom, 
although  I  am  very  glad  to  have  it, 
and  you  are  a  dear  to  bring  it  to  me. 
But  you  are  the  one  to  pay  for  it. 
You  bought  it." 

"My  dear,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
"whoever  brings  a  thing  into  the  house 
pays  the  duty  on  it.  I  gave  you  the 
box  of  candy  when  we  were  a  full 
block  from  the  house,  and  you  ac 
cepted  it,  and  it  was  your  property 
after  that,  and  you  brought  it  into  the 
house,  and  you  must  pay  the  duty  on 

it." 

For  a  moment  Mrs.  Fenelby  was  in- 


THE  BOX  OF  BON-BONS 

clined  to  be  hurt,  and  then  she 
laughed. 

"What  is  it?"  her  husband  asked, 
as  he  seated  himself  at  his  end 
of  the  table,  and  unfolded  his  nap 
kin. 

"I  '11  pay  the  twenty-four  cents ;  but 
please  don't  bring  me  any  more 
candy,"  she  said.  "I  can't  afford  pres 
ents.  But  that  was  n't  what  I  was 
laughing  about.  I  just  happened  to 
think  of  Will  and  Kitty.  Will  they 
have  to  pay  duty  on  their  trunks  and 
all  the  things  they  have  in  them? 
Kitty  has  the  most  luxurious  dresses, 
and  luxuries  pay  thirty  per  cent.  If 
she  will  have  to  pay  on  them  perhaps 

[53] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

I  had  better  telegraph  her  to  come 
with  only  a  dress  suit  case." 

They  did  not  telegraph  Kitty. 
About  a  week  later  Kitty  arrived,  and 
the  next  day  Billy  came,  and  to  each 
the  Fenelbys  explained  the  Fenelby 
Tariff,  on  the  way  up  from  the  sta 
tion.  Both  thought  it  was  a  splendid 
idea,  and  agreed  to  uphold  the  tariff 
law  and  abide  by  it  and  be  governed 
by  it,  and  when  Mrs.  Fenelby  handed 
Kitty's  baggage-checks  to  Tom  and 
asked  him  to  see  that  the  three  trunks 
were  sent  over  from  the  city  and  de 
livered  at  the  house,  Mr.  Fenelby  had 
no  idea  what  was  in  store  for  him. 

[54] 


Ill 


KITTY  S  TRUNKS 

WHEN  Mr.  Fenelby  went  to 
the  city  in  the  morning  he 
gave  Kitty's  trunk  checks 
to  the  expressman.  When  he  returned 
to  his  home  in  the  evening  he  found 
Kitty  and  Mrs.  Fenelby  on  the  porch, 
and  Mrs.  Fenelby  was  explaining  to 
her  visitor,  for  about  the  tenth  time, 
the  workings  of  the  Fenelby  Domestic 
Tariff.  She  had  explained  to  Kitty 
how  the  tariff  had  come  to  be  adopted, 
how  it  was  to  supply  an  education 
fund  for  Bobberts — who  was  at  that 

[57] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

moment  asleep  in  his  crib,  upstairs — 
and  how  every  necessity  brought  into 
the  house  had  to  pay  into  Bobberts' 
bank  ten  per  cent.,  and  every  luxury 
thirty  per  cent.  Kitty  was  a  dear,  as 
was  Mrs.  Fenelby,  but  they  were  as 
different  as  cousins  could  well  be,  for 
while  Mrs.  Fenelby  was  the  man's 
ideal  of  a  gentle  domestic  person, 
Kitty  was  the  man's  ideal  of  a  force 
ful,  jolly  girl,  and  as  full  of  liveliness 
as  a  well  behaved  young  lady  could 
be.  She  was  properly  interested  in 
Bobberts  and  admired  him  loudly,  but 
in  her  heart  she  was  not  sorry  that  Mr. 
Fenelby's  brother  Will  was  to  be  a 
visitor  at  the  house  during  her  stay. 

[58] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

She  did  not  show  any  unmaidenly 
curiosity  in  regard  to  Brother  Will, 
but  between  doses  of  Bobberts  and 
Tariff  she  managed  to  learn  about  all 
Mrs.  Fenelby  knew  regarding  Brother 
Will's  past,  present  and  future, 
including  a  pretty  minute  description 
of  his  appearance,  habits  and  be 
liefs. 

Brother  Will  had  arrived  that  very 
day,  and  on  the  way  up  from  the  sta 
tion  the  Fenelbys  had  explained  to 
him  all  about  the  Domestic  Tariff,  and 
also  that  until  a  bed  could  be  sent  out 
from  the  city  he  would  have  to  find  a 
bed  wherever  he  could,  and  so  it  hap 
pened  that  he  went  right  back  to  the 

[59] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

city  with  Mr.  Fenelby,  and  had  not 
met  Kitty,  as  he  preferred  to  sleep  in 
the  city,  rather  than  in  the  hammock 
on  the  porch. 

There  is  an  admirable  natural  hon 
esty  in  women  that  prevents  them 
from  claiming  that  their  husbands  are 
perfection.  In  some  this  is  so  abnor 
mally  developed  that,  to  be  on  the  safe 
side,  I  suppose,  they  will  not  allow 
that  their  husbands  have  any  virtues 
whatever;  in  others  the  trace  of  this 
type  of  honesty  is  so  slight  that  they 
will  claim  to  every  one,  except  their 
dearest  friends,  that  their  husbands 
are  the  best  in  the  world.  The  nor 
mal  wife  first  announces  that  her  hus- 

[60] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

band  is  as  near  perfect  as  any  man  can 
be,  and  then  proceeds  to  enumerate  all 
his  imperfections,  bad  humors,  and  an 
noying  habits,  under  the  impression, 
perhaps,  that  she  is  praising  him. 
Mrs.  Fenelby  had  been  proceeding  in 
somewhat  this  way  in  her  conversa 
tion  with  Kitty,  under  the  impression 
that  she  was  showing  Kitty  how  lovely 
and  domestically  perfect  was  her  life, 
but  Kitty  gained  from  it  only  the  im 
pression  that  Mrs.  Fenelby  had  be 
come  the  slave  of  Mr.  Fenelby  and 
Bobberts. 

The  more  Mrs.  Fenelby  explained 
the  workings  of  the  Domestic  Tariff 
the  more  positive  of  this  did  Kitty  be- 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

come.  It  was  Laura  who  paid  all  the 
household  bills,  and  so  Laura  had  to 
pay  the  tariff  duty  on  whatever 
came  into  the  house;  it  was  Laura  who 
had  to  give  up  her  weekly  box  of 
candy  because  if  she  received  it  she 
had  to  pay  twenty-four  cents  duty. 
To  Kitty  the  Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff 
seemed  to  be  a  scheme  concocted  by 
Mr.  Fenelby  to  make  Laura  provide 
an  education  fund  for  Bobberts. 
Poor  Laura  was  evidently  being  mis 
used  and  did  not  know  it.  Poor  Laura 
must  be  rescued,  and  given  that  wom 
anly  freedom  that  women  are  sup 
posed  to  long  for,  even  when  they 
don't  want  it.  Poor  meek  Laura 

[62] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

needed  some  one  to  put  a  foot  down, 
and  Kitty  felt  that  she  had  an  admir 
able  foot  for  that  or  any  other  pur 
pose.  She  proposed  to  put  it  down. 

When  Mr.  Fenelby  entered  his  yard 
on  his  return  from  the  city  he  stopped 
short,  and  then  looked  up  to  where  the 
two  young  women  were  sitting  on  the 
porch. 

"Hello !"  he  said,  "What  is  the  mat 
ter  with  these  trunks?  Would  n't 
that  expressman  carry  them  upstairs? 
I  declare,  those  fellows  are  getting  too 
independent  for  comfort.  Unless  you 
hold  a  dollar  tip  out  before  them  they 
won't  so  much  as  turn  around.  Now, 
I  distinctly  told  this  fellow  to  carry 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

these  three  trunks  upstairs,  and  I  said 
I  would  make  it  all  right  with  him, 
and  here  he  leaves  them  on  the  lawn. 
I  hope,  dear,  you  were  at  home  when 
he  came." 

"Yes,  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
"I  was,  and  you  should  not  blame  the 
poor  man.  I  am  sure  he  tried  hard 
enough  to  carry  them  up.  He  actually 
insisted  on  carrying  them  up  whether 
we  wanted  them  up  or  not.  He  was 
quite  rude  about  it.  He  said  you  had 
told  him  to  carry  them  up  and  that  he 
meant  to  do  it  whether  we  let  him  or 
not,  and — and  at  last  I  had  to  give 
him  a  dollar  to  leave  them  down  here." 

"You — you  gave  him  a  dollar  not 

[64] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

to  carry  these  trunks  upstairs!"  ex 
claimed  Mr.  Fenelby.  "Did  you  say 
you  paid  the  man  a  dollar  not  to  carry 
them  upstairs'?" 

"I  had  to,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby.  "It 
was  the  only  way  I  could  prevent  him 
from  doing  it.  He  said  you  told  him 
to  carry  them  up,  and  that  up  they 
must  go,  if  he  had  to  break  down  the 
front  door  to  do  it.  I  think  he  must 
have  been  drinking,  Tom,  he  used 
such  awful  language,  and  at  last  he 
got  quite  maudlin  about  it  and  sat 
down  on  one  of  the  trunks  and  cried,  t 
actually  cried !  He  said  that  for  years 
and  years  he  had  refused  to  carry 
trunks  upstairs,  and  that  now,  just 

[65] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

when  he  had  joined  the  Salvation 
Army,  and  was  trying  to  lead  a  better 
life,  and  be  kind  and  helpful  and  earn 
an  extra  dollar  for  his  family  by  carry 
ing  trunks  upstairs  when  gentlemen 
asked  him  to,  I  had  to  step  in  and  re 
fuse  to  let  him  carry  trunks  upstairs, 
and  that  this  was  the  sort  of  thing  that 
discouraged  a  poor  man  who  was  try 
ing  to  make  up  for  his  past  errors.  So 
I  gave  him  a  dollar  to  leave  them 
down  here." 

Mr.  Fenelby  looked  at  the  three  big 
trunks  ruefully,  and  shook  his  head  at 
them. 

"Well,"  he  said,  "I  suppose  it  is  all 
right,  Laura,  but  I  can't  see  why  you 
[66] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

would  n't  let  him  take  them  up.  You 
know  I  don't  enjoy  that  kind  of  work, 
and  that  I  don't  think  it  is  good  for 


me/' 


"Kitty  did  n't  want  them  taken 
up,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  gently. 
"She — she  wanted  them  left  down 
here." 

"Down  here?"  asked  Mr.  Fenelby, 
as  if  dazed.  "Down  here  on  the 
grass?" 

"Yes,"  said  Kitty,  lightly.  "It  was 
my  idea.  Laura  had  nothing  to  do 
with  it  at  all.  I  thought  it  would  be 
nice  to  have  the  trunks  down  here  on 
the  lawn.  Everywhere  I  visit  they 
always  take  my  trunks  up  to  my  room, 

[67] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

and  it  gets  so  tiresome  always  having 
the  same  thing  happen,  so  I  thought 
that  this  time  I  would  have  a  variety 
and  leave  my  trunks  on  the  lawn.  I 
never  in  my  life  left  my  trunks  on  a 
front  lawn,  and  I  wanted  to  see  how 
it  would  be.  You  don't  think  they 
will  hurt  the  grass  do  you,  Mr.  Fen- 
elby?" 

Kitty  asked  this  with  such  an 
air  of  sincerity  that  Mr.  Fenelby 
seated  himself  on  one  of  the  trunks 
and  looked  up  at  her  anxiously.  He 
could  not  recall  that  he  had  ever  heard 
of  any  weakness  of  mind  in  Kitty  or 
in  her  family,  but  he  could  not  doubt 
his  ears. 

[68] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 
"But — but — "   he   said,    "but  you 
don't  mean  to  leave  them  here,  do 
you?" 

Kitty  smiled  down  at  him  reassur 
ingly. 

"Of  course,  if  it  is  going  to  harm 
the  grass  at  all,  Mr.  Fenelby,  I  sha'n't 
think  of  it,"  she  said.  "I  know  that 
sometimes  when  a  board  or  anything 
lies  on  the  grass  a  long  time  the  grass 
under  the  board  gets  all  white,  and  if 
the  trunks  are  going  to  make  white 
spots  on  your  lawn,  I  '11  have  them  re 
moved,  but  I  thought  that  if  we  moved 
the  trunks  around  to  different  places 
every  day  it  would  avoid  that.  But 
you  know  more  about  that  than  I  do. 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Do  you  think  they  will  make  white 
places  on  the  lawn,  Mr.  Fenelby4?" 

"I  don't  know,"  he  said,  abstract 
edly.  "I  mean,  yes,  of  course  they 
will.  But  they  will  get  rained  on. 
You  don't  want  your  trunks  rained 
on,  you  know.  Trunks  are  n't  meant 
to  be  rained  on.  It  is  n't  good  for 
them."  A  thought  came  to  him  sud 
denly.  "You  and  Laura  have  n't 
quarreled,  have  you?"  he  asked,  for 
he  thought  that  perhaps  that  was  why 
Kitty  would  not  have  her  trunks  car 
ried  up. 

"Indeed  not!"  cried  Kitty,  putting 
her  arm  affectionately  around  Laura's 
waist. 

[70] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

"I — I  thought  perhaps  you  had/' 
faltered  Mr.  Fenelby.  "I  thought — 
that  is  to  say- — I  was  afraid  perhaps 
you  were  going  away  again.  I 
thought  you  were  going  to  make  us  a 
good,  long  visit — " 

"Indeed  I  am,"  said  Kitty,  cheer 
fully.  "I  am  going  to  stay  weeks,  and 
weeks,  and  weeks.  I  am  going  to  stay 
until  you  are  all  tired  to  death  of  me, 
and  beg  me  to  begone." 

"That  is  good,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
with  an  attempt  at  pleasure.  "But 
don't  you  think,  since  you  are  going 
to  do  what  we  want  you  to  do,  and 
stay  for  weeks,  and  weeks,  and  weeks, 
that  you  had  better  let  your  trunks 

[71] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

be  taken  up  to  your  room?  Or — I '11  tell 
you  what  we  '11  do!  Suppose  we  just 
take  the  trunks  into  the  lower  hall?" 

He  felt  pretty  certainly,  now,  that 
Kitty  must  have  had  a  little  touch  of, 
say,  sunstroke,  or  something  of  that 
kind,  and  he  went  on  in  a  gently  argu 
mentative  tone. 

"Just  into  the  lower  hall,"  he  said. 
"That  would  be  different  from  having 
them  in  your  room,  and  it  would  save 
my  grass.  I  worked  hard  to  get  this 
lawn  looking  as  it  does  now,  Kitty, 
and  I  cannot  deny  that  big  trunks  like 
these  will  not  do  it  any  good.  Let  us 
say  we  will  put  the  trunks  in  the 
lower  hall.  Then  they  will  be  safe,  too. 

[72] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

No  one  can  steal  them  there.  A  front 
lawn  is  a  rather  conspicuous  place  for 
trunks.  And  what  will  the  neighbors 
say,  too,  if  we  leave  the  trunks  on  the 
lawn?  Why  should  n't  we  put  the 
trunks  in  the  lower  hall?" 

"Well,"  said  Kitty,  "I  can't  afford 
it,  that  is  why.  Really,  Mr.  Fenelby, 
I  can't  afford  to  have  those  three 
trunks  brought  into  the  house." 

"And  yet,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  with 
just  the  slightest  hint  of  impatience, 
"you  girls  could  afford  to  give  the  man 
a  dollar  not  to  take  them  in !  That  is 
woman's  logic!" 

"Oh!  a  dollar!"  said  Kitty.  "If  it 
was  only  a  matter  of  a  dollar !  I  hope 

[73] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

you  don't  think,  Mr.  Fenelby,  that  I 
travel  with  only  ten  dollars'  worth  of 
baggage !  No,  indeed !  I  simply  can 
not  afford  to  pay  ten  per  cent,  duty  on 
what  is  in  those  trunks,  and  so  I  prefer 
to  let  them  remain  on  the  lawn.  I 
wrote  Laura  that  I  expected  to  be 
treated  as  one  of  the  family  while  I 
was  visiting  her,  and  if  the  Domestic 
Tariff  is  part  of  the  way  the  family 
is  treated  I  certainly  expect  to  live  up 
to  it.  Now,  don't  blame  Laura,  for 
she  was  not  only  willing  to  have  the 
trunks  come  in  without  paying  duty, 
but  insisted  that  they  should." 

Mr.    Fenelby   looked   very   grave. 
He   was   in   a  perplexing   situation. 

[74] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

He  certainly  did  not  wish  to  appear 
inhospitable,  and  yet  Laura  had  had 
no  right  to  say  that  the  trunks  could 
enter  the  house  duty  free.  The  only 
way  such  an  unusual  alteration  in  the 
Domestic  Tariff  could  be  made  was 
by  act  of  the  Family  Congress,  and  he 
very  well  knew  that  if  once  the  mat 
ter  of  revising  the  tariff  was  taken  up 
it  was  beyond  the  ken  of  man  where  it 
would  end.  He  preferred  to  stand 
pat  on  the  tariff  as  it  had  been  orig 
inally  adopted. 

"I  told  her,"  said  Kitty,  "that  she 
had  no  right  to  throw  off  the  duty  on 
my  trunks,  at  all,  and  that  I  would  n't 
have  it,  and  I  did  n't." 

[75] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Well,  Tom,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
"you  know  perfectly  well  that  we  can't 
leave  those  trunks  out  on  the  lawn. 
It  would  not  only  be  absolutely  fool 
ish  to  do  that,  but  cruel  to  Kitty.  A 
girl  simply  can't  visit  away  from  home 
without  trunks,  and  it  is  absolutely 
necessary  that  Kitty  should  have  her 
trunks." 

'  'Necessities,     ten     per     cent.,' ' 
quoted  Kitty. 

"But,  my  dear,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
softly,  "we  really  can't  break  all  our 
household  rules  just  because  Kitty  has 
brought  three  trunks,  can  we  ?  Kitty 
does  not  expect  us  to  do  that,  and  I 
think  she  looks  at  it  in  a  very  rational 

[76] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

manner.     I    like    the    spirit   she   has 
evinced." 

"Very  well,  then,"  said  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby,  "you  must  find  some  way  to  take 
care  of  those  trunks,  for  we  cannot 
leave  them  on  the  lawn." 

"Why  can't  we  take  them  to  some 
neighbor's  house?"  asked  Kitty.  "I 
am  sure  some  neighbor  would  be  glad 
to  store  them  for  me  for  awhile. 
Are  n't  you  on  good  terms  with  your 
neighbors,  Laura?" 

"The  Rankins  might  take  them/3 
said  Laura,  thoughtfully.  "They 
have  that  vacant  room,  you  know, 
Tom.  They  might  not  mind  letting 
us  put  them  in  there." 

[77] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"I  don't  know  the  Rankins,"  said 
Kitty,  "but  I  am  sure  they  are  per 
fectly  lovely  people,  and  that  they 
would  not  mind  in  the  least." 

"I  know  they  would  n't,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby.  "Rankin  would  be  glad  to 
do  something  of  that  sort  to  repay 
me  for  the  number  of  times  he  has 
borrowed  my  lawn-mower.  I  will  step 
over  after  dinner  and  ask  him." 

"Are  you  sure,  very  sure,  that  you 
do  not  mind,  Kitty?"  asked  Mrs.  Fen 
elby.  "You  will  not  feel  hurt,  or  any 
thing?" 

"Oh,  no!"  said  Kitty,  lightly.  "It 
will  be  a  lark.  I  never  in  my  life  went 
visiting  with  three  trunks,  and  then 

[78] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

had  them  stored  in  another  house.  It 
will  be  quite  like  being  shipwrecked 
on  a  desert  island,  to  get  along  with 
one  shirt-waist  and  one  handkerchief ." 

"It  will  not  be  quite  that  bad,  you 
know,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  with  the  air 
of  a  man  stating  a  great  discovery, 
"because,  don't  you  see,  you  can  open 
your  trunks  at  the  Rankins',  and  bring 
over  just  as  many  things  as  you  think 
you  can  afford  to  pay  on." 

For  some  reason  that  Mr.  Fenelby 
could  not  fathom  Kitty  laughed  mer 
rily  at  this,  and  then  they  all  went  in 
to  dinner.  It  was  a  very  good  dinner, 
of  the  kind  that  Bridget  could  prepare 
when  she  was  in  the  humor,  and  they 

[79] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

sat  rather  longer  over  it  than  usual, 
and  then  Mr.  Fenelby  proposed  that 
he  should  step  over  to  the  Rankins' 
and  arrange  about  the  storage  of 
Kitty's  trunks,  and  on  thinking  it  over 
he  decided  that  he  had  better  step 
down  to  the  station  and  see  if  he  could 
not  get  a  man  to  carry  the  trunks 
across  the  street  and  up  the  Rankins' 
stairs.  As  they  filed  out  of  the  house 
upon  the  porch,  Kitty  suddenly  de 
cided  that  it  was  a  beautiful  evening 
for  a  little  walk,  and  that  nothing 
would  please  her  so  much  as  to  walk  to 
the  station  with  Mr.  Fenelby,  if  Laura 
would  be  one  of  the  party,  and  after 
running  up  to  see  that  Bobberts  was  all 

[so] 


;  Never  in  the  history  of  trunks  was  the  act  of  unpacking 
done  so  quickly  or  so  recklessly1' 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

right,  Laura  said  that  she  would  go, 
and  they  started.  As  they  were  cross 
ing  the  street  to  the  Rankins'  Kitty 
suddenly  turned  back. 

"You  two  go  ahead,"  she  said. 
"The  air  will  do  you  good,  Laura.  I 
have  something  I  want  to  do,"  and  she 
ran  back. 

She  entered  the  house,  and  looked 
out  of  the  window  until  she  saw  the 
Fenelbys  go  into  the  Rankins'  and 
come  out  again,  and  saw  them  start  to 
the  station,  but  as  soon  as  they  were 
out  of  sight  she  dashed  down  the  porch 
steps  and  threw  open  the  lids  of  her 
trunks.  Never  in  the  history  of 
trunks  was  the  act  of  unpacking  done 

[83] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

so  quickly  or  so  recklessly.  She  dived 
into  the  masses  of  fluffiness  and 
emerged  with  great  armf uls,  and  hur 
ried  them  into  the  house,  up  the  stairs, 
and  into  her  closet,  and  was  down 
again  for  another  load.  If  she  had 
been  looting  the  trunks  she  could  not 
have  worked  more  hurriedly,  or  more 
energetically,  and  when  the  last  arm 
ful  had  been  carried  up  she  slammed 
the  lids  and  turned  the  keys,  and  sank 
in  a  graceful  position  on  the  lower 
porch  step. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Fenelby  returned 
with  leisurely  slowness  of  pace,  the 
station  loafer  and  man-of-little-work 
slouching  along  at  a  respectful  dis- 

[84] 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

tance  behind  them.  Kitty  greeted 
them  with  a  cheerful  frankness  of 
face.  The  man-of-little-work  looked 
at  the  three  big  trunks  as  if  their  size 
was  in  some  way  a  personal  insult  to 
him.  He  tried  to  assume  the  look  of 
a  man  who  had  been  cozened  away 
from  his  needed  rest  on  false  pre 
tences. 

"I  did  n't  know  as  the  trunks  was 
as  big  as  them,"  he  drawled.  "If  I  'd 
knowed  they  was,  I  would  n't  of 
walked  all  the  way  over  here.  Fifty 
cents  ain't  no  fair  price  for  carryin' 
three  trunks,  the  size  and  heft  of  them, 
across — well,  say  this  is  a  sixty  foot 
street — say,  eighty  feet,  and  up  a 

[85] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

flight  of  stairs.  I  don't  say  nothin', 
but  I  '11  leave  it  to  the  ladies." 

"Fifty  cents!"  cried  Kitty.  "I 
should  think  not!  Why,  I  did  n't 
imagine  you  would  do  it  for  less  than 
a  dollar.  I  mean  to  pay  you  a  dollar." 

"That  's  right,"  said  the  man. 
"You  see  I  have  to  walk  all  the  way 
back  to  the  station  when  I  git  through, 
too.  My  time  goin'  and  comin'  is 
worth  something." 

He  bent  down  and  took  the  largest 
trunk  by  one  handle,  to  heave  it  to  his 
back,  and  as  he  touched  the  handle 
the  trunk  almost  arose  into  the  air  of 
its  own  accord.  The  man  straight 
ened  up  and  looked  at  it,  and  a 
[86] 


"With  all  the  grace  of  a  Sandow" 


KITTY'S  TRUNKS 

strange  look  passed  across  his  face, 
but  he  closed  his  mouth  and  said  noth 
ing. 

"Would  you  like  a  lift?"  asked  Mr. 
Fenelby. 

"No,"  said  the  man  shortly.  "I 
know  how  to  handle  trunks,  I  do," 
and  it  certainly  seemed  that  he  did, 
for  he  swung  it  to  his  back  with  all  the 
grace  of  a  Sandow,  and  started  off 
with  it.  Mr.  Fenelby  looked  at  him 
with  surprise. 

"Now,  is  n't  that  one  of  the  odd 
ities  of  nature?"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"That  fellow  looks  as  if  he  had  no 
strength  at  all,  and  see  how  he  carries 
off  that  trunk  as  if  there  was  not  a 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

thing  in  it.  I  suppose  it  is  a  knack  he 
has.  Now,  see  how  hard  it  is  for  me 
merely  to  lift  one  end  of  this  smallest 


one.': 


But  before  he  could  touch  it  Kitty 
had  grasped  him  by  the  arm. 

"Oh,  don't  try  it!"  she  cried. 
"Please  don't!  You  might  hurt  your 
back." 


[90] 


IV 

BILLY 

A~TW  minutes  before  noon  the 
next  day  Billy  Fenelby 
dropped  into  Mr.  Fenelby' s 
office  in  the  city  and  the  two  men  went 
out  to  lunch  together.  It  would  be 
hard  to  imagine  two  brothers  more  un 
like  than  Thomas  and  William  Fen 
elby,  for  if  Thomas  Fenelby  was  in 
clined  to  be  small  in  stature  and  pre 
cise  in  his  manner,  William  was  all 
that  his  nickname  of  Billy  implied, 
and  was  not  so  many  years  out  of  his 

[91] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

college  foot-ball  eleven,  where  he  had 
won  a  place  because  of  his  size  and 
strength.  Billy  Fenelby,  after  having 
been  heroized  by  innumerable  girls 
during  his  college  years,  had  become 
definitely  a  man's  man,  and  was  in  the 
habit  of  saying  that  his  girly-girl  days 
were  over,  and  that  he  would  walk 
around  a  block  any  day  to  escape 
meeting  a  girl.  He  was  not  afraid  of 
girls,  and  he  did  not  hate  them,  but  he 
simply  held  that  they  were  not  worth 
while.  The  truth  was  that  he  had 
been  so  petted  and  worshiped  by 
them  as  a  star  foot-ball  player  that  the 
attention  they  paid  him,  as  an  ordi 
nary  young  man  not  unlike  many 

[92] 


BILLY 

other  young  men  out  of  college, 
seemed  tame  by  comparison.  No 
doubt  he  had  come  to  believe,  during 
his  college  days,  that  the  only  interest 
ing  thing  a  girl  could  do  was  to  admire 
a  man  heartily,  and  in  the  manner  that 
only  foot-ball  players  and  matinee 
idols  are  admired,  so  that  now,  when 
he  had  no  particular  claim  to  admira 
tion,  girls  had  become,  so  far  as  he  was 
concerned,  useless  affairs. 

"Now,  about  this  girl-person  that 
you  have  over  at  your  house,"  he  said 
to  his  brother,  when  they  were  seated 
at  their  lunch,  "what  about  her?" 

"About  her4?"  asked  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"How  do  you  mean?" 

[93] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"What  about  her?"  repeated  Billy. 
:'You  know  how  I  feel  about  the  girl- 
business.  I  suppose  she  is  going  to 
stay  awhile?" 

"Kitty?  I  think  so.  We  want  her 
to.  But  you  need  n't  bother  about 
Kitty.  She  won't  bother  you  a  bit. 
She  's  the  right  sort,  Billy.  Not  like 
Laura,  of  course,  for  I  don't  believe 
there  is  another  woman  anywhere  just 
like  Laura,  but  Kitty  is  not  the  ordi 
nary  flighty  girl.  You  should  hear  her 
appreciate  Bobberts.  She  saw  his  good 
points,  and  remarked  about  them,  at 
once,  and  the  way  she  has  caught  the 
spirit  of  the  Domestic  Tariff  that  I 
was  telling  you  about  is  fine!  Most 

[94] 


BILLY 

girls  would  have  hemmed  and  hawed 
about  it,  but  she  did  n't!  No,  sir! 
She  just  saw  what  a  fine  idea  it  was, 
and  when  she  saw  that  she  could  n't 
aff ord  to  have  her  three  trunks  brought 
into  the  house  she  proposed  that  she 
leave  them  at  a  neighbor's.  Did  not 
make  a  single  complaint.  Don't  worry 
about  Kitty." 

"That  is  all  right  about  the  tariff," 
said  Billy.  "I  can't  say  I  think  much 
of  that  tariff  idea  myself,  but  so  long 
as  it  is  the  family  custom  a  guest 
could  n't  do  any  less  than  live  up  to  it. 
But  I  don't  like  the  idea  of  having  to 
spend  a  number  of  weeks  in  the  same 
house  with  any  girl.  They  are  all 

[95] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

bores,  Tom,  and  I  know  it.  A  man 
can't  have  any  comfort  when  there  is  a 
girl  in  the  house.  And  between  you 
and  me  that  Kitty  girl  looks  like  the 
kind  that  is  sure  to  be  always  right  at 
a  fellow's  side.  I  was  wondering  if 
Laura  would  think  it  was  all  right  if  I 
stayed  in  town  here?" 

"No,  she  would  n't,"  said  Tom 
shortly.  "She  would  be  offended,  and 
so  would  I.  If  you  are  going  to  let 
some  nonsense  about  girls  being  a 
bore, — which  is  all  foolishness — keep 
you  away  from  the  house,  you  had  bet 
ter — .  Why,"  he  added,  "it  is  an  in 
sult  to  us — to  Laura  and  me — just  as  if 
you  said  right  out  that  the  company 

[96] 


BILLY 

we  choose  to  ask  to  our  home  was  not 
good  enough  for  you  to  associate  with. 
If  you  think  our  house  is  going  to  bore 
you—" 

"Now,  look  here,  old  man,"  said 
Billy,  "I  don't  mean  that  at  all,  and 
you  know  I  don't.  I  simply  don't  like 
girls,  and  that  is  all  there  is  to  it.  But 
I  '11  come.  I  '11  have  my  trunk  sent 
over  and — .  Say,  do  I  have  to  pay 
duty  on  what  I  have  in  my  trunk?" 

"Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"That  is,  of  course,  if  you  want  to 
enter  into  the  spirit  of  the  thing.  It  is 
only  ten  per  cent.,  you  know,  and  it 
all  goes  into  Bobberts'  education 
fund." 

[97] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Billy  sat  in  silent  thought  awhile. 

"I  wonder,"  he  said  at  length,  "how 
it  would  do  if  I  just  put  a  few  things 
into  my  suit-case — enough  to  last  me 
a  few  days  at  a  time — and  left  my 
trunk  over  here.  I  don't  need  every 
thing  I  brought  in  that  trunk.  I 
was  perfectly  reckless  about  putting 
things  in  that  trunk.  I  put  into  that 
trunk  nearly  everything  I  own  in  this 
world,  just  because  the  trunk  was  so 
big  that  it  would  hold  everything,  and 
it  seemed  a  pity  to  bring  a  big  trunk 
like  that  with  nothing  in  it  but  air. 
Now,  I  could  take  my  suit-case  and 
put  into  it  the  things  I  will  really 
need—" 

[98] 


BILLY 

"Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"You  can  do  that  if  you  want  to,  and 
it  would  be  perfectly  fair  to  Bobberts. 
All  Bobberts  asks  is  to  be  paid  a  duty 
on  what  enters  the  house.  He  don't 
say  what  shall  be  brought  in,  or  what 
shall  not.  Personally,  Billy,  I  would 
call  the  duty  off,  so  far  as  you  are  con 
cerned,  but  I  don't  think  Laura  would 
like  it.  We  started  this  thing  fair, 
and  we  are  all  living  up  to  it.  Laura 
made  Kitty  live  up  to  it  and  you  can 
see  it  would  not  be  right  for  me  to 
make  an  exception  in  your  case  just 
because  you  happen  to  be  my  brother." 

"No,"  agreed  Billy,  "it  would  n't. 
I  don't  ask  it.  I  will  play  the  game 

[99] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

and  I  will  play  it  fair.  All  I  ask  is :  If 
I  bring  a  suit-case,  do  I  have  to  pay  on 
the  case?  Because  if  I  do,  I  won't 
bring  it.  I  can  wrap  all  I  need  in  a 
piece  of  paper,  and  save  the  duty  on 
the  suit-case.  I  believe  in  playing  fair, 
Tom,  but  that  is  no  reason  why  I 
should  be  extravagant." 

"I  think,"  said  Tom,  doubtfully, 
"suit-cases  should  come  in  free.  Of 
course,  if  it  was  a  brand  new  suit-case 
it  would  have  to  pay  duty,  but  an  old 
one — one  that  has  been  used — is  dif 
ferent.  It  is  like  wrapping-paper. 
The  duty  is  assessed  on  what  the 
package  contains  and  not  on  the 
package  itself.  If  it  is  not  a  new  suit- 
[100] 


BILLY 

case  you  will  not  have  to  pay  duty  on 


it." 


"Then  my  suit-ea^e  will  go  in 
free,"  said  Billy.  "It  is  one  of  the  first 
crop  of  suit-cases  that  was  raised  in 
this  country,  and  I  value  it  more  as  a 
relic  than  as  a  suit-case.  I  carry  it 
more  as  a  souvenir  than  as  a  suit 


case.33 


"Souvenirs  are  different,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby.  "Souvenirs  are  classed  as 
luxuries,  and  pay  thirty  per  cent.  If 
you  consider  it  a  souvenir  it  pays 
duty." 

"I  will  consider  it  a  suit-case,"  said 
Billy  promptly.  "I  will  consider  it 
a  poor  old,  worn-out  suit-case." 

[101] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"I  think  that  would  be  better," 
agreed  Mr/  Feneiby.  "But  we  will 
have  to  wak*  and  :see  -what  Laura  con 
siders  it." 

As  on  the  previous  evening  the 
ladies  were  on  the  porch,  enjoying  the 
evening  air,  when  Mr.  Feneiby 
reached  home,  with  Billy  in  tow,  and 
Billy  greeted  them  as  if  he  had  never 
wished  anything  better  than  to  meet 
Miss  Kitty. 

"Where  is  this  custom  house  Tom 
has  been  telling  me  about?"  he  asked, 
as  soon  as  the  hand  shaking  was  over. 
"I  want  to  have  my  baggage  exam 
ined.  I  have  dutiable  goods  to  de 
clare.  Who  is  the  inspector?" 
[102] 


"'I  declare  one  collar'" 


BILLY 

"Laura  is,"  said  Kitty.  "She  is  the 
slave  of  the  grinding  system  that  fos 
ters  monopoly  and  treads  under  heel 
the  poor  people." 

"All  right,"  said  Billy,  "I  declare 
one  collar.  I  wish  to  bring  one  collar 
into  the  bosom  of  this  family.  I  have 
in  this  suit-case  one  collar.  I  never 
travel  without  one  extra  collar.  It  is 
the  two-for-a-quarter  kind,  with  a 
name  like  a  sleeping  car,  and  it  has 
been  laundered  twice,  which  brings  it 
to  the  verge  of  ruin.  How  much  do  I 
have  to  pay  on  the  one  collar?" 

"Collars  are  a  necessity,"  said  Mrs. 
Fenelby,  "and  they  pay  ten  per — " 

"What  a  notion!"  exclaimed  Kitty. 

[105] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Collars  are  not  a  necessity.  Collars 
are  an  actual  luxury,  especially  in 
warm  weather.  Many  very  worthy 
men  never  wear  a  collar  at  all,  and 
would  not  think  of  wearing  one  in  hot 
weather.  They  are  like  jewelry  or — 
or  something  of  that  sort.  Collars  cer 
tainly  pay  thirty  per  cent." 

"I  reserve  the  right  to  appeal,"  said 
Billy.  "Those  are  the  words  of  an  un 
just  judge.  But  how  much  do  I  take 
off  the  value  of  the  collar  because  two 
thirds  of  its  life  has  been  laundered 
away?  How  much  is  one  third  of 
twelve  and  a  half?" 

"Now,  that  is  pure  nonsense," 
Kitty  said,  "and  I  sha'n't  let  poor,  dear 

[106] 


BILLY 

little  Bobberts  be  robbed  in  any  such 
way.  That  collar  cost  twelve  and  a 
half  cents,  and  it  has  had  two  and  a 
half  cents  spent  on  it  twice,  so  it  is 
now  a  seventeen  and  a  half  cent  col 
lar,  and  thirty  per  cent,  of  that  is — 
is—" 

"Oh,  if  you  are  going  to  rob  me!" 
exclaimed  Billy.  "I  don't  care.  I  can 
get  along  without  a  collar.  I  will 
bring  out  a  sweater  to-morrow." 

"Sweaters  pay  only  ten  per  cent./' 
said  Kitty  sweetly.  "What  else  have 
you  in  your  suit-case?" 

"Air,"  said  Billy.  "Nothing  but 
air.  I  did  n't  think  I  could  afford  to 
bring  anything  else,  and  I  will  leave 

[107] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

the  collar  out  here.  I  open  the  case — I 
take  out  the  collar — I  place  it  gently 
on  the  porch  railing — and  I  take  the 
empty  suit-case  into  the  house.  I  pay 
no  duty  at  all,  and  that  is  what  you 
get  for  being  so  grasping." 

Mr.  Fenelby  shook  his  head. 

"You  can't  do  that,  Billy,"  he  said. 
"That  puts  the  suit-case  in  another 
class.  It  is  n't  a  package  for  holding 
anything  now,  and  it  is  n't  a  necessity 
— because  you  can't  need  an  empty 
suit-case — so  it  does  n't  go  in  at  ten 
per  cent.,  so  it  must  be  a  luxury,  and  it 
pays  thirty  per  cent." 

"That  suit-case,"  said  Billy,  look 
ing  at  it  with  a  calculating  eye,  "is 

[108] 


BILLY 

not  worth  thirty  per  cent,  of  what  it  is 
worth.  It  is  worthless,  and  I  would  n't 
give  ten  per  cent,  of  nothing  for  it.  It 
stays  outside.  So  I  pay  nothing.  I  go 
in  free.  Unless  I  have  to  pay  on  my 
self." 

"You  don't  have  to,"  said  Kitty, 
"although  I  suppose  Laura  and  Tom 
think  you  are  a  luxury." 

"Don't  you  think  I  am  one?"  asked 
Billy. 

"No,  I  don't,"  said  Kitty  frankly, 
"and  when  you  know  me  better,  you 
will  not  ask  such  a  foolish  question. 
Where  ever  I  am,  there  a  young  man 
is  a  necessity." 

[109] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

THE  morning  after  Billy  Fen- 
elby's  arrival  at  the  Fenelby 
home  he  awakened  unusually 
early,  as  one  is  apt  to  awaken  in  a 
strange  bed,  and  he  lay  awhile  think 
ing  over  the  events  of  the  previous 
evening.    He  was  more  than  ever  con 
vinced  that  Kitty  was  not  the  kind  of 
girl  he  liked.     He  felt  that  she  had 
made  a  bare-faced  effort  to  flirt  with 
him  the  evening  before,  and  that  she 
was  just  the  kind  of  a  girl  that  was  apt 
[110] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

to  be  troublesome  to  a  bachelor.  She 
was  the  kind  of  a  girl  that  would  de 
mand  a  great  deal  of  attention  and 
expect  it  as  a  natural  right,  and  then, 
when  she  received  it,  make  the  man 
feel  that  he  had  been  attentive  in 
quite  another  way,  and  that  the  only 
fair  thing  would  be  to  propose.  And 
he  felt  that  she  was  the  kind  of  girl 
that  no  man  could  propose  to  with  any 
confidence  whatever.  She  would  be 
just  as  likely  to  accept  him  as  not,  and 
having  accepted  him,  she  would  be 
just  as  likely  to  expect  him  to  marry 
her  as  not.  He  felt  that  he  was  in  a 
very  ticklish  situation.  He  saw  that 
Kitty  was  the  sort  of  girl  that  would 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

take  any  air  of  rude  indifference  he 
might  assume  to  be  a  challenge,  and 
any  comely  polite  attention  to  be 
serious  love  making.  He  saw  that  the 
only  safe  thing  for  him  to  do  would  be 
to  run  away,  but,  since  he  had  seen 
Kitty,  that  was  the  last  thing  in  the 
world  that  he  would  have  thought  of 
doing.  He  decided  that  he  would 
constitute  her  bright  eyes  and  red  lips 
to  be  a  mental  warning  sign  reading 
"Danger"  in  large  letters,  and  that 
whenever  he  saw  them  he  would  be  as 
wary  as  a  rabbit  and  yet  as  brave  as  a 
lion. 

He  next  felt  a  sincere  regret  that  he 
had  refused  to  pay  the  duty  on  the 
[112] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

clean  collar  he  had  brought  with  him, 
and  that  he  had  left  on  the  railing  of 
the  porch.  He  got  out  of  bed  and 
looked  at  the  collar  he  had  worn  the 
day  before,  and  frowned  at  it  as  he 
saw  that  it  was  not  quite  immaculate. 
Then  he  listened  closely  for  any  sound 
in  the  house  that  would  tell  him  Mr. 
or  Mrs.  Fenelby  were  up.  He  heard 
nothing.  He  hastily  slipped  on  his 
clothes,  and  tip-toed  out  of  the  room 
and  down  the  stairs.  This  tariff  for 
revenue  only  was  well  enough  for 
Thomas  and  Laura,  and  assessing  a 
duty  of  ten  per  cent,  on  everything 
that  came  into  the  house  (and  thirty 
per  cent,  on  luxuries)  might  fill  up 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Bobberts'  bank,  and  provide  that  baby 
with  an  education  fund,  but  it  was  an 
injustice  to  bachelor  uncles  when 
there  was  an  unmarried  girl  in  the 
house.  If  this  Kitty  girl  was  willing  to 
so  forget  what  was  due  to  a  young 
man  as  to  appear  in  one  dress  the 
whole  time  of  her  stay,  that  was  her 
look-out,  but  for  his  part  he  did  not 
intend  to  lower  his  dignity  by  going 
down  to  breakfast  in  a  soiled  collar. 
If  creeping  down  to  the  porch  in  his 
stockings,  and  bringing  in  that  collar 
surreptitiously,  was  smuggling,  then — 
Billy  stopped  short  at  the  screen 
door.  From  there  he  could  see  the 
spot  on  the  railing  where  he  had  put 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

the  collar,  and  the  collar  was  not 
there !  No  doubt  it  had  fallen  to  the 
lawn.  He  opened  the  screen  door 
carefully  and  stepped  outside.  The 
early  morning  air  was  cool  and  sweet, 
and  an  ineffable  quiet  rested  on  the 
suburb.  He  tip-toed  gently  across  the 
porch  and  down  the  porch  steps,  and 
hobbled  carefully  across  the  painful 
pebble  walk  and  stepped  upon  the 
lawn.  There  was  dew  on  the  lawn. 
The  lawn  was  soaked  and  saturated 
and  steeped  in  dew.  It  bathed  his  feet 
in  chilliness,  as  if  he  had  stepped  into 
a  pail  of  ice  water,  and  the  vines  that 
clambered  up  the  porch-side  were 
dewy  too.  As  he  kneeled  on  the  grass 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

and  pawed  among  the  vines,  seeking 
the  missing  collar,  the  vines  showered 
down  the  crystal  drops  upon  him,  and 
soaked  his  sleeves,  and  added  a  finish 
ing  touch  of  ruin  to  the  collar  he  was 
wearing.  The  other  collar  was  not 
there !  It  was  not  among  the  vines,  it 
was  not  on  the  lawn,  it  was  not  on  the 
porch,  and  soaked  in  socks  and  sleeves 
he  retreated.  He  paused  a  minute  on 
the  porch  to  glance  thoughtfully  at 
the  moist  foot-prints  his  feet  left  on 
the  boards,  and  wondered  if  they 
would  be  dry  before  Tom  or  Laura 
came  down.  At  any  rate  there  was  no 
help  for  it  now,  and  he  went  up  the 
stairs  again. 

[116] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

The  most  uncomfortable  small  dis 
comfort  is  wet  socks,  whether  they 
come  from  a  small  hole  in  the  bottom 
of  a  shoe  or  from  walking  on  a  lawn  in 
the  early  morning,  and  Billy  wiggled 
his  toes  as  he  slowly  and  carefully 
climbed  the  stairs.  As  he  turned  the 
last  turn  at  the  top  he  stopped  short 
and  blushed.  Kitty  was  standing 
there  awaiting  him,  a  smile  on  her  face 
and  his  other  collar  in  her  hand.  She 
laid  her  finger  on  her  lip,  and  tapped 
it  there  to  command  silence,  and  raised 
her  brows  at  him,  to  let  him  know  that 
she  knew  where  he  had  been  and  why. 

"I  thought  you  would  want  it,"  she 
said  in  the  faintest  whisper,  "so  I 

[117] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

smuggled  it  in  last  night.  I  had  no 
idea  you  would  stoop  to  such  a  thing, 
but — but  I  felt  so  sorry  for  you,  with 
out  a  collar." 

"Thanks!"  whispered  Billy.  It  was 
a  masterpiece  of  whispering,  that 
word.  It  was  a  gruff  whisper,  ward 
ing  off  familiarity,  and  yet  it  was  a 
grateful  whisper,  as  a  whisper  should 
be  to  thank  a  pretty  girl  for  a  favor 
done,  but  still  it  was  a  scoffing  whis 
per,  with  a  tinge  of  resentf ulness,  but 
resentfulness  tempered  by  courtesy. 
Underlying  all  this  was  a  flavor  of  in 
dependence,  but  not  such  crude  inde 
pendence  that  it  killed  the  delicate 
tone  that  implied  that  the  hearer  of 

[us] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

the  whisper  was  a  very  pretty  girl,  and 
that  that  fact  was  granted  even  while 
her  interference  in  the  whisperer's  af 
fairs  was  misliked,  and  her  suspicions 
of  dishonest  acts  on  his  part  con 
sidered  uncalled  for.  If  he  did  not 
quite  succeed  in  getting  all  this 
crowded  into  the  one  word  it  was 
doubtless  because  his  feet  were  so  wet 
and  uncomfortable.  Billy  was  rather 
conscious  that  he  had  not  quite  suc 
ceeded,  and  he  would  have  tried 
again,  adding  this  time  an  inflection 
to  mean  that  he  well  understood  that 
her  object  was  to  get  him  into  a  quasi 
conspiracy  and  thus  draw  him  irrevoc 
ably  into  confidential  relations  of  mis- 

[119] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

demeanor  from  which  he  could  not 
escape,  but  that  he  refused  to  be  so 
drawn — I  say  he  would  have  repeated 
the  word,  but  a  sound  in  one  of  the 
bed-rooms  close  at  hand  sent  them 
both  tip-toeing  to  their  rooms. 

They  had  hardly  reached  safety 
when  the  door  of  Mr.  Fenelby's  room 
opened  and  Mr.  Fenelby  stole  out 
quietly,  stole  as  quietly  down  the  stairs 
and  out  upon  the  porch.  He  looked 
at  the  railing  where  Billy  had  left  the 
collar,  and  then  he  peered  over  the 
railing,  and  as  silently  stole  up  the 
stairs  again.  He  paused  at  Billy's 
door  and  tapped  on  it.  Billy  opened 
it  a  mere  hint  of  a  crack. 
[120] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

"What  is  it?"  he  whispered. 

"That  collar,"  whispered  Mr.  Fen- 
elby.  "I  thought  about  it  all  night, 
and  I  did  n't  think  it  right  that  you 
should  be  made  to  do  without  it.  I 
just  went  down,  to  get  it,  but  it  is  n't 
there." 

"Never  mind,"  whispered  Billy. 
"Don't  worry,  old  man.  I  will  wear 
the  one  I  have." 

Mr.  Fenelby  hesitated. 

"Of  course,"  he  whispered,  "you 
won't —  That  is  to  say,  you  need  n't 
tell  Laura  I  went  down — " 

"Certainly  not,"  whispered  Billy. 
"It  was  awfully  kind  of  you  to  think 
of  it.  But  I  '11  make  this  one  do." 

[121] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Mr.  Fenelby  waited  at  the  door  a 
moment  longer  as  if  he  had  something 
more  to  say,  but  Billy  had  closed  the 
door,  and  he  went  back  to  his  room. 

It  was  with  relief  that  Bridget 
heard  the  door  close  behind  Mr.  Fen 
elby.  She  had  been  standing  on  the 
little  landing  of  the  back-stairs,  where 
he  had  almost  caught  her  as  she  was 
coming  up.  If  she  had  been  one  step 
higher  he  would  have  seen  her  head. 
Usually  she  would  not  have  minded 
this,  for  she  had  a  perfect  right  to  be 
on  the  back-stairs  in  the  early  morn 
ing,  but  this  time  she  felt  that  it  was 
her  duty  to  remain  undiscovered. 
Now  that  Mr.  Fenelby  was  gone  she 
[122] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

softly  stepped  to  Billy's  door  and 
knocked  lightly. 

"Misther  Billy,  sor,  are  ye  there?" 
she  whispered.  Billy  opened  the  door 
a  crack  and  looked  out. 

"Mornin'  to  ye,"  she  said  in  a 
hoarse  whisper.  "I  'm  sorry  t'  dis- 
thurb  ye,  but  Missus  Fenelby  axed  me 
t'  bring  up  th'  collar  ye  left  on  th5 
porrch  railin',  an'  t'  let  no  wan  know 
I  done  it,  an3  I  just  wanted  t'  let  ye 
know  th'  reason  I  have  not  brung  it  up 
is  because  belike  someone  else  has 
brang  it  already,  for  it  is  gone." 

"Thank  you,  Bridget,"  whispered 
Billy.  "It  does  n't  matter." 

She  turned  away,  but  when  he  had 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

closed  the  door  she  paused,  and  after 
hesitating  a  moment  she  tapped  on  his 
door  again.  He  opened  it. 

"I  have  put  me  foot  in  it,"  she  said, 
"like  I  always  do.  W'u'd  ye  be  so 
good  as  t'  f ergit  I  mentioned  th'  name 
of  Missus  Fenelby,  that  ?s  a  dear 
man?  I  raymimber  now  I  was  not 
t'  mention  it  t'  ye." 

"Certainly,  Bridget,"  said  Billy, 
and  he  closed  the  door  and  went  again 
to  the  window,  where  he  was  turning 
his  socks  over  and  over  in  the  streak  of 
sunlight  that  warmed  a  part  of  the 
window  sill. 

It  took  the  socks  a  little  longer  to 
dry  than  he  had  thought  it  would,  and 
[124] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

they  were  still  damp  enough  to  make 
his  feet  feel  anything  but  comfortable 
when  he  heard  the  breakfast  bell 
tinkle  faintly.  He  hurried  the  rest  of 
his  toilet  and  went  down  the  stairs, 
assuming  as  he  went  the  air  of  unsus 
pected  innocence  that  is  the  inborn 
right  of  every  man  who  knows  he  has 
done  wrong.  The  bodily  Billy  was 
more  conscious  of  the  discomfort  of 
his  feet,  but  the  mental  Billy  was  all 
collar.  He  had  never  known  a  collar 
to  be  so  obtrusive.  He  felt  that  he 
must  seem  all  collar,  even  to  the  most 
casual  eye,  but  he  was  upheld  by  the 
belief  that  no  one  would  dare  to  men 
tion  collar  to  him  in  public.  If  he  had 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

sinned  he  was  not  the  only  sinner,  for 
he  was  but  a  partner  in  conspiracy. 
He  walked  down  the  stairs  boldly. 

"And  to  think  that  his  vanity 
should  be  the  cause  of  robbing  poor 
little  Bobberts,"  he  heard  a  clear  voice 
say  as  he  neared  the  dining-room 
door.  "It  is  too  mean!  I  can  never 
look  up  to  man  with  the  faith  I  have 
always  had  in  man,  after  this.  But  I 
know  they  were  his  foot-prints, 
Laura." 

"Are  you  so  sure,  Kitty?"  asked 
Mrs.  Fenelby.  "Might  n't  they  be — 
might  n't  they  be  Bridget's?" 

"They  were  not,"  said  the  voice  of 
Kitty,  and  Billy  paused  where  he  was 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

and  stood  still.  "Bridget  does  not  go 
about  in  the  wet  grass  in  her  stocking 
feet.  Those  were  Billy's  tracks  on  the 
porch.  I  am  no  Sherlock  Holmes,  but 
I  can  tell  you  just  what  he  did.  He 
stole  down  before  we  were  awake,  to 
look  for  that  collar,  and  he  did  not 
find  it  on  the  railing  where  he  had  left 
it.  Then  he  saw  it  where  it  had  fallen 
and  he  went  down  on  the  wet  lawn 
and  got  it.  Watch  him  when  he 
comes  in  to  breakfast.  He  will  be 
wearing  a  collar,  and  it  will  not  be  the 
one  he  wore  last  night." 

Billy  turned  and  tip-toed  softly  up 
the  stairs  again,  undoing  his  tie  as  he 
went.  When  he  came  down  his  neck 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

was  neatly,  but  informally  swathed  in 
a  white  handkerchief.  Three  pairs  of 
eyes  watched  him  as  he  entered,  but  he 
faced  them  unflinchingly.  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Fenelby  let  their  eyes  drop  be 
fore  his  glance,  but  Kitty  met  his  gaze 
with  a  challenge.  There  was  nothing 
of  treachery  in  her  face,  and  yet  she 
had  sought  to  betray  him.  He  looked 
at  her  with  greater  interest  than  he 
had  ever  known  himself  to  feel  re 
garding  any  girl,  and  as  he  looked  he 
had  a  startled  sense  that  she  was  fairer 
than  she  had  been,  and  he  caught  his 
breath  quickly  and  began  to  talk  to 
Mrs.  Fenelby. 

"Tom,"  he  said,  after  breakfast,  as 

[128] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

Mr.  Fenelby  was  getting  ready  to 
leave  to  catch  his  train,  "I  think  I  '11 
walk  over  to  the  station  with  you.  I 
have  something  I  want  to  say  to  you." 

"Come  along,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"But  you  will  have  to  walk  quickly. 
I  have  just  time  to  catch  my  train." 

"Did  you  notice  anything  peculiar 
about  Miss  Kitty  this  morning?" 
asked  Billy,  when  they  had  left  the 
house. 

"Peculiar?"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"No,  I  don't  think  so." 

"Well,    I    don't    want    to    make 

trouble,    Tom,"    said    Billy,    "but    I 

think   I   ought   to   speak   about   this 

thing.       If    it     was     n't     serious     I 

[129] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

would  n't  mention  it  at  all,  but  I 
think  you  ought  to  know  what  is 
going  on  in  your  own  house.  I  think 
you  ought  to  know  what  kind  of  a  girl 
Miss  Kitty  is,  so  that  you  can  be  on 
your  guard.  Now,  you  went  down  to 
get  that  collar  for  me,  did  n't  you?" 

"I  wish  you  would  n't  mention 
that,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby  with  some  an 
noyance. 

"Oh,  I  know  all  about  that,"  said 
Billy,  warmly.  "You  say  that  be 
cause  you  don't  like  to  be  thanked  for 
all  these  nice,  thoughtful  things  you 
do  for  a  fellow.  But  I  do  thank 
you — just  as  much  as  if  you  had 
found  the  collar  and  had  brought  it 
[130] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

up  to  me.  That  was  all  right. 
You  would  have  paid  the  duty 
on  it,  and  that  would  have  been  all 
right.  But  what  do  you  think  Miss 
Kitty  did?  Why  do  you  think  you 
could  not  find  that  collar?  Do  you 
know  what  she  did4?  She  brought 
that  collar  into  the  house — smug 
gled  it  in — and  she  had  the  nerve,  the 
actual  nerve,  to  give  it  to  me.  And  I 
took  it.  I  could  n't  do  anything  else, 
could  I,  when  a  girl  offered  it  to  me  ? 
I  could  n't  say  I  would  n't  take  it, 
could  I6?  I  had  to  be  a  gentleman 
about  it.  And  then  she  tried  to  get 
me  into  trouble  by  telling  you  I  would 
come  down  to  breakfast  wearing  that 

[130 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

collar.     She  tried  to  make  out  that  I 
was  a  smuggler." 

"I  suppose  it  was  just  a  bit  of  fun," 
said  Mr.  Fenelby.  '  'Girls  are  that 
way,  some  of  them." 

"Well,  I  want  it  understood  that 
that  collar  is  in  the  house,  and  that  I 
did  n't  bring  it  in,"  said  Billy,  "and 
that  if  this  Domestic  Tariff  business 
is  to  be  carried  out  fairly  it  is  Miss 
Kitty's  business  to  pay  the  duty  on  it, 
I  want  to  set  myself  right  with  you* 
But  the  thing  I  wanted  to  speak  about 
was  far  more  serious.  Do  you  know 
what  she  had  on  this  morning?" 

"What   she   had   on?"   asked   Mr. 
Fenelby.    "What  did  she  have  on?" 
[132] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

"She  had  on  a  pink  shirt  waist," 
said  Billy  fiercely.  "That  is  what  she 
had  on.  Right  at  breakfast  there,  in 
plain  sight  of  everyone.  A  pink  shirt 


waist!' 


"Well,  that  's  all  right,  is  n't  it?' 
asked  Mr.  Fenelby,  doubtfully.  "It 's 
proper  to  wear  a  pink  shirt-waist  at 
breakfast,  is  n't  it?  I  think  Laura 
wears  shirt-waists  at  breakfast  some 
times.  I  'm  sure  it 's  all  right.  An  in 
formal  home  breakfast  like  that." 

"But  it  was  pink,"  insisted  Billy. 
"I  looked  right  at  it,  and  I  know. 
Real  pink.  You  would  n't  notice  it, 
because  you  are  so  honest  yourself,  and 
so  confiding,  but  I  noticed  it  the  first 

[133] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

thing.  Now  what  do  you  think  of  your 
Miss  Kitty?  What  do  you  say  to 
that — a  girl  coming  right  down  to 
breakfast  in  a  pink  shirt-waist,  right 
before  the  whole  family?" 

"I — I  don't  know  what  to  say," 
faltered  Mr.  Fenelby,  and  this  was 
the  truth,  for  he  did  not. 

"Well,  what  would  you  say  if  I  told 
you  that  she  had  on  a  white  shirt 
waist  last  evening — a  white  one  with 
fluffy  stuff  all  around  the  collar?" 
asked  Billy.  "Would  n't  you  say  that 
that  proved  it?" 

"I  don't  see  anything  wrong  in 
that,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby.  "What  does 
it  prove?" 

[134] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 

"It  proves  that  she  has  two  shirt 
waists,"  said  Billy,  seriously,  "that  is 
what  it  proves.  Two  shirt-waists,  a 
white  one  and  a  pink  one,  one  for  din 
ner  and  one  for  breakfast.  I  don't 
blame  you  for  not  noticing  it,  but  I  am 
strong  that  way.  I  notice  colors  and 
trimmings  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
And  I  tell  you  she  has  two.  I  saw 
them  both  and  I  know  it.  If  that  is  n't 
serious  I  don't  know  what  is." 

"Well?"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 

"Well,"  echoed  Billy,  "she  is  only 
supposed  to  have  one.  She  only  paid 
duty  on  one,  and  she  has  two.  That 
is  what  I  call  real  smuggling.  And 
nobody  knows  how  many  more  she 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

has.  Dozens  for  all  I  know.  Imag 
ine  her  talking  about  my  one  poor 
old  last  year's  collar,  and  then  flaunt 
ing  around  in  two  shirt  waists  right 
before  our  eyes.  I  call  that  pretty 
serious.  I  'm  going  to  watch  her. 
You  can't  be  here  all  day  to  do  it,  but 
I  have  n't  anything  else  to  do,  and 
I  'm  going  to  stay  right  around  her  all 
day  and  find  out  about  this  thing." 

"If  you  don't  want  to — "  began 
Mr.  Fenelby,  remembering  Billy's 
protestations  of  dislike  for  girls. 

"I  '11  do  my  duty  by  you  and  Bob- 
berts,  old  man,"  said  Billy,  generously. 

"I  was  only  going  to  say  that  Laura 
could  look  out  for  that  sort  of  thing," 

[136] 


THE  PINK  SHIRT  WAIST 
said  Mr.  Fenelby.     "I  might  say  a 
word  to  her." 

"Well,  now,  I  did  n't  like  to  bring 
that  part  of  it  up,"  said  Billy,  "but 
since  you  mention  it,  I  guess  I  had  bet 
ter  say  the  whole  thing.  It  is  n't  nat 
ural  that  a  woman  should  n't  notice 
what  another  woman  has  on,  is  it? 
They  are  all  keen  on  that  sort  of 
thing.  I  don't  say  Laura  is  standing 
in  with  Kitty  on  this  shirt-waist 
smuggling.  I  suppose  it  worries  her 
terribly  to  see  Kitty  smuggling 
clothes  in  right  under  her  nose,  but 
how  can  Laura  say  anything  about  it? 
Kitty  is  her  guest,  is  n't  she?  You 
leave  it  tome!" 

[137] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Just  then  they  reached  the  station 
and  the  train  arrived  and  Mr.  Fen- 
elby  jumped  aboard,  and  as  it  pulled 
out  Billy  turned  and  walked  back  to 
the  house. 


[138] 


VI 

BRIDGET 

WEN  the  Commonwealth  of 
Bobberts  had  adopted  the 
Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff 
it  had  been  Mrs.  Fenelby's  duty  to  in 
form  Bridget  of  it,  and  to  explain  it  to 
her,  and  for  two  days  Mrs.  Fenelby 
worried  about  it.  It  was  only  by  ex 
ercising  the  most  superhuman  wiles 
that  a  servant  could  be  persuaded  to 
sojourn  in  the  suburb.  To  hold  one 
in  thrall  it  was  necessary  to  practice 
the  most  consummate  diplomacy.  The 

[139] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

suburban  servant  knows  she  is  a  rare 
and  precious  article,  and  she  is  apt  to 
be  headstrong  and  independent,  and 
so  she  must  be  driven  with  a  tight  rein 
and  strong  hand,  and  yet  she  is  so  apt 
to  leave  at  a  moment's  notice  if  any 
thing  offends  her,  that  she  must  be 
driven  with  a  light  rein  and  a  hand  as 
light  and  gentle  as  a  bit  of  thistle 
down  floating  on  a  zephyr.  This  is  a 
hard  combination  to  attain.  It  is  like 
trying  to  drive  a  skittish  and  head 
strong  horse,  densely  constructed  of 
lamp-chimneys  and  window  glass, 
down  a  rough  cobble-stoned  hill  road. 
If  given  the  rein  the  glass  horse  will 
dash  madly  to  flinders,  and  if  the  rein 
[140] 


BRIDGET 

is  held  taut  the  horse's  glass  head  will 
snap  off  and  the  whole  business  go  to 
crash.  No  juggler  keeping  alternate 
cannon-balls  and  feathers  in  the  air 
ever  exercised  greater  nicety  of  calcu 
lation  than  did  Mrs.  Fenelby  in  her 
act  of  at  once  retaining  and  restrain 
ing  Bridget. 

To  go  boldly  into  the  kitchen  and 
announce  to  Bridget  that  she  would 
hereafter  be  expected  to  pay  into 
Bobberts'  bank  ten  per  cent,  of  the 
value  of  every  necessity  and  thirty 
per  cent,  of  the  value  of  every  luxury 
she  brought  into  the  house  was  the  last 
thing  that  Mrs.  Fenelby  would  have 
thought  of  doing.  There  were  bits  in 

[141] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

that  rough  sketch  of  human  nature 
known  as  Bridget's  character  that  did 
not  harmonize  with  the  idea.  There 
had  been  nothing  said,  when  Bridget 
had  been  engaged,  about  a  domestic 
tariff.  Paying  one  is  not  usually  con 
sidered  a  part  of  a  general  house-work 
er's  duties,  and  Mrs.  Fenelby  felt  that 
it  would  be  poor  policy  to  break  this 
news  to  Bridget  too  abruptly.  She 
used  diplomacy. 

"Bridget,"  she  said,  kindly,  "we  are 
very  well  satisfied  with  the  way  you 
do  your  work.  We  like  you  very  well 
indeed." 

"Thank  ye,  mam,"  answered  Brid 
get,  "and  I  'm  glad  to  hear  ye  say  it, 

[142] 


BRIDGET 

though  it  makes  little  odds  t'  me.  I  do 
the  best  I  know  how,  mam,  and  if  ye 
don't  like  the  way  I  do,  there  is  plenty 
of  other  ladies  would  be  glad  t'  get 


me.'3 


"But  we  do  like  the  way  you  do," 
said  Mrs.  Fenelby  eagerly.  "We  are 
perfectly  satisfied — perfectly!" 

"From  th'  way  ye  started  off,"  said 
Bridget,  with  a  shrug  of  her  shoulders, 
"I  thought  ye  was  goin'  t'  give  me 
th'  bounce.  Some  does  it  that  way." 

"No,  indeed,"  Mrs.  Fenelby  as 
sured  her.  "Especially  not  as  you  take 
such  an  interest  in  dear  little  Bob- 
berts.  You  seem  to  like  him  as  well  as 
if  he  was  your  own  little  brother.  Did 

[143] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

I  tell  you  wLat  Mr.  Fenelby  had 
planned  for  him?" 

"Somethin'  t5  make  more  worrk  for 
me,  is  it?"  asked  Bridget  suspiciously. 

"Not  at  all!"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
"It  is  just  about  his  education;  about 
when  he  gets  old  enough  to  go  to  col- 
lege." 

"  5T  will  be  a  long  time  from  now 
before  then,"  said  Bridget.  "I  can 
see  it  has  nawthin'  to  do  with  me." 

"But  that  is  just  it,"  said  Mrs.  Fen 
elby.  "It  has  something  to  do  with  you 
— and  with  all  of  us.  With  everyone 
in  this  house.  You  love  little  Bob- 
berts  so  much  that  you  will  be  glad 
to  help  in  his  education." 

[H4] 


BRIDGET 

"Will  IT  said  Bridget  in  a  way 
that  was  not  too  encouraging. 

"Yes,  I  know  you  will,"  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby  chirped  cheerfully,  "because  it  is 
the  cutest  plan.  I  know  you  will  be 
so  interested  in  it.  Mr.  Fenelby 
thought  of  it  himself,  and  he  told  me 
to  tell  you  about  it,  because,  really, 
you  know,  you  are  just  like  one  of  the 
family—" 

"Barring  I  have  t'  be  in  at  ten 
o'clock  and  have  t'  sleep  in  th'  attic," 
Bridget  interposed.  "And  don't  eat 
with  th'  family.  And  a  few  other  dif 
ferences.  But  go  ahead  and  tell  me 
what  is  th'  extry  worrk." 

"Well,  it  is  n't  extra  work  at  all," 

[145] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

said  Mrs.  Fenelby  reassuringly.  "It 
is  just  a  way  we  thought  of  to  raise 
money  to  pay  for  Bobberts'  education. 
It  is  like  a  government  and  taxes,  and 
everybody  in  the  family  pays  part  of 
the  taxes — " 

"I  was  wonderin'  why  I  was  one  of 
the  family  so  much,  all  of  a  suddent," 
said  Bridget.  "I  thought  something 
was  comin'.  I  notice  that  whenever  I 
get  to  be  one  of  th'  family,  mam, 
where  ever  I  happen  t'  be  workin', 
something  comes.  But  it  never  has 
been  taxes  before.  It  is  a  new  one  to 
me,  taxes  is." 

Mrs.  Fenelby  explained  as  clearly 
as  she  could  the  meaning  and  method 

[146] 


BRIDGET 

of  the  Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff,  and 
its  simple  schedule  of  rates,  and  Brid 
get  listened  attentively.  Mrs.  Fen 
elby  expected  an  explosion,  and  was 
prepared  for  it. 

"I  'm  sure  I  'm  much  obliged  t'  ye, 
Missus  Fenelby,"  said  Bridget,  sarcas 
tically,  "an'  't  is  a  great  honor  ye  are 
doin'  me  t'  take  me  into  th'  family 
this  way,  but  't  is  agin  me  principles 
t'  be  one  of  th'  family  on  sixteen 
dollars  a  month  when  there  is  tariffs 
in  th'  same  family.  I  'm  thinkin' 
I  '11  stay  outside  th'  family,  mam. 
An'  if  ye  will  kindly  let  me  past, 
I  '11  go  up  an'  be  packin'  up  me 
trunk." 

[H7] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 
"But  Bridget,"  Mrs.  Fenelby  said, 
quickly, l  'I  am  not  through  yet.  I  knew 
you  could  n't  afford  to  pay  the — the 
tariff.  I  did  n't  expect  you  to,  out  of 
your  wages.  And  if  you  had  just 
waited  a  minute  I  was  going  to  tell 
you  that,  seeing  that  you  will  be  out 
of  pocket  by  the  tariff,  I  am  going  to 
pay  you  eighteen  dollars  a  month 
after  this." 

"Well,  of  course,"  said  Bridget 
with  a  sweet  smile,  "I  was  only  jok- 
in'  about  me  trunk." 

So  that  was  all  settled,  and  Mrs. 
Fenelby  felt  at  ease,  but  she  did  not 
think  it  necessary  to  tell  her  husband 
about  the  extra  two  dollars  a  month. 


BRIDGET 

It  came  out  of  her  housekeeping 
money,  and  she  could  economize  a 
little  on  something  else. 

"Laura,"  said  her  husband  that 
evening,  "have  you  spoken  to  Brid 
get  about  the  tariff  yet?' 

:cYes,  dear,"  she  answered,  and  he 
said  that  was  right,  and  that  she  must 
see  that  Bridget  lived  up  to  it.  But 
he  did  not  tell  her  that  he  had  inter 
viewed  Bridget  while  Mrs.  Fenelby 
was  upstairs  a  few  minutes  before, 
nor  that  he  had  privately  agreed  with 
Bridget  to  pay  her  two  dollars  a 
month  extra  out  of  his  own  pocket  , 
provided  she  accepted  the  Fenelby 
Domestic  Tariff,  and  abided  by  it, 

[H9] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

just  as  if  she  was  one  of  the  family. 
Neither  did  Bridget  think  it  worth 
while  to  mention  it  to  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
From  the  time  she  was  informed  of 
the  existence  of  the  tariff  up  to  the 
arrival  of  Kitty  Bridget  paid  into 
Bobberts'  bank  twenty  cents.  This 
was  the  duty  on  a  two  dollar  hat  that 
even  the  most  critical  mind  could  not 
have  called  a  luxury,  and  there  Brid 
get's  payments  seemed  to  stop.  She 
did  not  seem  to  feel  the  need  of  mak 
ing  any  purchases  just  then. 

"Kitty,  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
gently,  the  morning  of  the  damp  foot 
prints  on  the  porch,  after  the  men  had 
started  for  the  station,  "that  is  a 

[150] 


BRIDGET 

pretty  shirt-waist  you  have  on  this 
morning." 

"Do  you  like  it?"  asked  Kitty,  in 
nocently.  "Don't  you  think  it  is  a 
little  tight  across  the  shoulders?" 

"No,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby.  "And  I 
like  this  skirt  better  than  the  one  you 
were  wearing  yesterday." 

There  was  no  mistaking  the  mean 
ing  of  that.  The  way  Mrs.  Fenelby 
bowed  over  the  bit  of  sewing  she  had 
taken  up  was  evidence  that  she  had 
suspicion  in  her  mind.  Kitty  clasped 
her  hands  behind  her  back  and 
laughed. 

"You  have  been  looking  into  my 
closet!"  she  declared.  "You  sit  there 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

and  try  to  look  innocent,  and  you 
know  everything  that  I  have,  down  to 
the  last  ribbon!  Well,  I  just  can't  af 
ford  to  pay  your  old  tariff.  It  would 
simply  ruin  me.  And  the  men  will 
never  know,  anyway.  They  don't 
notice  such  things.  I  could  wear  a 
different  dress  every  day,  and  they 
would  n't  know  it." 

"But  I  know  it,"  said  Laura,  re 
provingly.  "Do  you  think  it  is  right, 
Kitty,  tosmuggle  things  into  the  house 
that  way?  Is  it  fair  to  Bobberty?" 

"There!"  exclaimed  Kitty,  drop 
ping  a  jingling  coin  into  Bobberts' 
bank.  "There  is  a  quarter  for  him! 
That  is  every  cent  I  can  afford." 


BRIDGET 

"That  would  n't  pay  the  duty  tm 
one  single  shirt-waist,"  said  Laura, 
quietly. 

"It  would  n't,"  admitted  Kitty, 
frankly,  bending  over,Laura  and  tak 
ing  her  face  in  her  hands.  She  turned 
the  face  upward  and  looked  in  its 
eyes.  Then  she  bent  down  and  whis 
pered  in  Laura's  ear,  and  laughed  as  a 
blush  suffused  Laura's  face. 

"I  was  short  of  money,"  said  Laura 
with  dignity,  "and  I  mean  to  pay  the 
duty  as  soon  as  I  get  my  next  week's 
allowance.  I  simply  had  to  have  a 
new  purse,  and  you  coaxed  me  to  buy 
it.  It  was  n't  smuggling  at  all." 

"Was  n't  it?"  asked  Kitty.    "Then 

[153] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

why  did  you  ask  me  to  leave  it  in  my 
room,  instead  of  showing  it  to  Tom? 
Smuggler!" 

Mrs.  Fenelby  arose  and  walked 
away.  She  turned  to  the  kitchen  and 
opened  the  door.  She  was  just  in 
time  to  see  Bridget  lower  a  bottle 
from  her  lips  and  hastily  conceal  it 
behind  her  skirts. 

"Bridget!"  she  exclaimed  sharply, 
with  horror. 

'T  is  th'  doctor's  orders,  mam," 
said  Bridget.    "  'T  is  for  me  cold." 

She  coughed  as  well  as  she  could, 
but  it  was  not  a  very  successful  cough. 
Mrs.  Fenelby  hesitated  a  moment, 
and  then  she  pointed  to  the  door. 


BRIDGET 

"You  may  pack  your  trunk,  Brid 
get,"  she  said,  and  Bridget  jerked  off 
her  apron  and  stamped  out  of  the  kit 
chen. 

"But  perhaps  the  poor  thing  was 
taking  it  by  her  doctor's  orders,"  sug 
gested  Kitty,  when  Mrs.  Fenelby,  red 
eyed,  went  into  the  front  rooms  again. 

"She  '11  have  to  go,"  said  Mrs.  Fen 
elby,  dolefully.  "I  can't  have  a  drink 
ing  servant  where  poor,  dear  Bobberts 
is.  But  that  is  n't  what  makes  me  feel 
so  badly.  It  is  to  think  how  that  girl 
has  deceived  me.  I  treated  her  just 
as  I  would  treat  one  of  the  family, 
and  she  pretended  to  be  so  fond  of 
Bobberts,  and  so  interested  in  his 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

education,  and  so  eager  to  help  his 
fund,  and  here  she  has  been  smug 
gling  liquor  into  the  house  all  the 
time." 

She  wiped  her  eyes  and  sighed. 

"And  liquor  is  a  luxury,  and  pays 
thirty  per  cent.,"  she  said  sadly.  "I 
don't  know  who  to  trust  when  I  can't 
trust  a  girl  like  Bridget.  She  should 
have  paid  the  duty  the  minute  she 
brought  the  stuff  into  the  house.  It 
just  shows  that  you  can't  place  any 
reliance  on  that  class." 

Kitty  nodded  assent. 

ccYou  '11  have  to  pay  her,"  she  said. 
"Shall  I  run  up  and  get  your  purse4?" 

She  went,  and  as  she  reached  the 


BRIDGET 

hall,  Billy  entered.  He  gazed  at 
Kitty's  garments  closely,  making 
mental  note  of  them  for  future  com 
parisons,  and  as  he  stood  aside  to  let 
her  pass  he  held  one  hand  carefully 
out  of  sight  behind  him.  It  held  a 
package — an  oblong  package,  sharply 
rectangular  in  shape.  A  close  observer 
would  have  said  it  was  a  box  such  as 
contains  fifty  cigars  when  it  is  full, 
but  it  was  not  full.  Billy  had  taken 
one  of  the  cigars  out  when  he  made 
the  purchase  at  the  station  cigar  store. 


10 


[157] 


vn 

THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

WHEN  Billy  Fenelby  had 
taken  his  box  of  cigars  up 
to  his  room  he  came  down 
again,  but  he  did  not  go  anywhere  near 
Bobberts'  bank,  as  he  should  have 
gone  had  he  intended  depositing  in  it 
the  thirty  per  cent,  of  the  value  of  the 
cigars,  which  was  the  duty  due  on 
cigars  under  the  provisions  of  the 
Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff.  He  walked 
out  to  the  veranda  and  got  into  the 

[158] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

hammock  and  began  to  read  the  morn 
ing  paper. 

From  time  to  time  he  let  it  hang 
down  over  the  edge  of  the  hammock, 
as  if  it  bored  him,  and  he  glanced  at 
the  door  as  if  he  hoped  someone  would 
come  out  of  the  house.  The  paper 
was  not  very  interesting  that  morn 
ing,  and  Billy  had  other  things  to 
think  of.  He  had  volunteered  to  keep 
an  eye  on  Kitty,  and  to  find  out  defi 
nitely,  if  he  could,  whether  she  was 
smuggling  shirt-waists  and  other 
things — or  had  already  smuggled 
them — into  the  house,  contrary  to  the 
provisions  of  the  tariff.  He  felt  that 
the  more  he  saw  of  girls  the  less  he 

[159] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

liked  them,  and  that  the  more  he  saw 
of  Kitty,  particularly,  the  less  he 
fancied  her,  but  if  he  was  going  to  do 
this  amateur  detective  business  he 
wanted  to  begin  it  as  soon  as  possible, 
and  he  watched  the  door  closely.  He 
wanted  to  see  whether  Kitty  would 
still  wear  the  pink  shirt-waist  she  had 
worn  at  breakfast,  or  the  white  one 
she  had  worn  the  evening  before,  or 
whether  she  would  dare  to  wear  an 
other. 

The  sudden  departure  of  Bridget 
had  upset  the  domestic  affairs  some 
what,  and  Kitty  and  Mrs.  Fenelby 
were  busy  in  the  kitchen,  but  after  the 
dishes  were  washed,  and  the  rooms  set 

[160] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

to  rights,  and  the  beds  made,  and  Bob- 
berts  given  his  bath,  Kitty  came  out. 
It  had  been  a  long  and  tedious  morn 
ing  for  Billy.  There  is  nothing  so 
helpless  as  a  detective  who  can't  work 
at  his  business  of  detecting,  and  when 
the  job  is  to  detect  a  pretty  girl,  and 
she  won't  show  up,  the  waiting  is 
rather  tiresome.  At  one  time  Billy 
was  almost  tempted  to  go  in  and  ask 
her  to  come  out,  and  he  would  prob 
ably  have  gone  in  and  snooped  around 
a  bit,  if  she  had  not  appeared  just 
then. 

Kitty  came  out  with  all  the  brazen 
effrontery  of  a  hardened  criminal. 
That  is  to  say  she  came  out  singing, 

[161] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

and  with  her  hair  perfectly  in  order, 
and  looking  in  every  way  fresh  and 
charming.  Billy  recognized  this  im 
mediately  as  the  wile  of  a  malefactor 
trying  to  throw  an  officer  of  the  law  off 
the  scent,  but  he  was  not  to  be  dis 
couraged  by  it,  and  he  jumped  out  of 
the  hammock  and  went  up  to  her.  She 
still  wore  the  pink  shirt-waist,  and  it 
was  very  becoming.  She  looked  just 
as  well  in  it  as  if  she  had  paid  the  law 
ful  ten  per  cent,  duty  on  it.  It  is  not 
the  duty  that  makes  that  kind  of  a 
shirt-waist  pretty;  it  is  the  way  it  is 
made,  and  the  trimming.  The  girl 
that  is  in  it  helps  some,  too.  It  is  a 
fact  that  a  shirt-waist  looks  entirely 

[162] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

different  on  different  girls.  You  have 
to  consider  the  girl  and  her  shirt-waist 
together,  as  a  whole  or  unit,  if  you  are 
going  to  be  able  to  recognize  it  when 
you  see  it  again,  and  Billy  was  ready 
to  consider  it  that  way.  If  he  ever  saw 
that  pink  confection  with  that  saucy 
chin  and  merry  face  above  it  again  he 
meant  to  be  able  to  recognize  the  com 
bination.  That  is  one  of  the  duties  of 
a  detective. 

"Let  's  go  out  under  the  tree,"  he 
said,  "and  sit  down,  and — and  talk  it 
over.  I  have  something  I  want  to  talk 
about/' 

"Talk  it  over,"  said  Kitty,  lifting 
her  eyebrows.  "Talk  what  over?" 

[163] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

You  could  n't  nonplus  Billy  that 
way,  when  he  was  in  pursuit  of  his  duty. 

"Well,"  he  said,  "we— that  is,  I 
did  n't  thank  you  for  bringing  me  up 
that  collar  this  morning.  I  want  to 
thank  you  for  it." 

"Yes?"  said  Kitty.  "Well,  here  I 
am.  Thank  me.  You  did  thank  me 
once,  but  I  don't  care.  Do  it  again." 

"Thank  you,"  said  Billy. 

"You  're  welcome,"  Kitty  said,  and 
then  they  both  laughed. 

"What  do  you  think  of  this  Domes 
tic  Tariff  business?"  asked  Billy, 
seeking  to  lead  her  into  some  admis 
sion  of  which  he  could  make  use  as 
proof  of  her  smuggling. 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

"I  think  it  is  a  simply  splendid 
idea!"  Kitty  declared.  "I  am  sure  no 
one  but  Tom  could  have  thought  of  it, 
and  the  very  minute  I  heard  of  it  I 
went  into  it  body  and  soul.  It  was  so 
clever  of  him  to  conceive  such  an  idea, 
and  such  a  simple  way  to  build  up  an 
education  fund  for  dear,  sweet,  little 
Bobberts!  And  is  n't  it  nice  of  Tom 
and  Laura  to  let  us  be  in  it  and  pay 
our  share  of  the  duty.  It  makes  us  feel 
so  much  more  as  if  we  were  really  part 
of  the  family." 

"Does  n't  it?"  said  Billy.  "It 
makes  us  feel  as  if  we  had  a  right  to  be 
here — when  we  pay  duty  and  all 
that.  I  feel  like  bringing  in  a  lot  of 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

stuff  just  so  that  I  can  pay  duty  on  it. 
I  was  thinking  about  it  this  morning, 
and  about  that  little  joke  of  mine 
about  not  bringing  in  that  collar  last 
night,  and  I  felt  what  I  had  missed 
by  leaving  it  out  on  the  porch,  so  I 
got  up  and  went  down  for  it.  That 
was  how  you  happened  to  meet  me  in 
the  hall — I  wanted  to  get  it  and  bring 
it  in  so  I  could  pay  the  duty,  and  be 
in  the  fun  myself.  You  don't  think 
I  was  going  to  smuggle  it  in,  do  you?" 
"Oh,  no!"  said  Kitty,  with  a  long- 
drawn  o.  "Nobody  would  be  so  mean 
as  to  smuggle  anything  into  the  house, 
when  the  duty  all  goes  to  dear  little 
Bobberts.  It  is  such  fun  to  pay  duty, 

[166] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

just  as  if  the  house  was  a  real  nation. 
It  is  like  being  part  of  the  nation,  and 
you  know  we  women  are  not  that. 
We  can't  vote,  nor  anything,  and  a 
chance  like  this  is  so  rare  that  we  en 
joy  it  immensely.  You  did  n't  think 
it  was  queer  that  I  should  go  down  so 
early  in  the  morning  to  get  your  col 
lar  and  bring  it  in,  did  you?" 

"Well,  of  course,"  said  Billy, 
doubtfully,  "it  was  n't  your  collar, 
you  know.  It  was  my  collar." 

"I  know  it  was,"  Kitty  admitted 
frankly,  "but  you  know  how  little  we 
women  can  bring  into  the  house. 
Hardly  anything.  We  shop  and 
shop,  but  we  hardly  ever  really  buy 

[167] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

anything,  and  all  the  time  I  am  just 
crazy  to  be  paying  duty,  and  to  know 
whether  it  is  ten  per  cent,  or  thirty 
per  cent.,  and  all  that,  as  if  I  was  a 
man,  and  so,  when  I  happened  to 
think  of  that  collar  that  you  had  left 
down  here  on  the  porch  railing,  I  saw 
it  was  my  chance,  and  I  decided  to 
come  down  and  get  it  and  bring  it 
into  the  house,  so  I  could  have  the  fun 
of  paying  the  duty  on  it.  So  I  came 
down  and  got  it.  And  just  as  I 
reached  the  landing  on  my  way  up  I 
met  you,  and  I  was  so  surprised  that 
I  just  handed  the  collar  to  you." 

"Of   course,"    said   Billy.      "That 
was  just  the  way  it  was,  except  that  / 

[168] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

had  just  reached  the  landing  on  my 
way  up,  when  you  handed  me  the  col 
lar.  Tou  could  n't  have  just  reached 
the  landing,  because  if  you  had  we 
would  have  been  going  up  the  stairs 
together,  side  by  side,  and  we  were 
not  doing  that.  /  was  going  up  the 
stairs,  and  just  as  I  reached  the  land 
ing  you  came  from  somewhere  and 
handed  me  the  collar." 

"Is  n't  that  what  I  said?"  asked 
Kitty  sweetly.  "It  amounts  to  the 
same  thing,  anyway,  does  n't  it?  I 
had  the  collar,  and  you  got  it.  I  sup 
pose  you  paid  the  duty  on  it?" 

"Me?"  said  Billy.  "Not  much!  I 
did  n't  bring  it  into  the  house;  you 

[169] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

brought  it  in.  You  have  to  pay  the 
duty." 

"I  pay  the  duty  on  your  collar?" 
laughed  Kitty.  "Well,  I  should  think 
I  would  not !  I  went  down  and  got  it 
for  you,  and  that  was  nothing  but  an 
act  of  kindness  that  anybody  would 
do  for  anybody  else.  You  can  pay 
your  own  duties." 

"Oh,  I  sha'n't  pay  a  duty  on  it!" 
scoffed  Billy.  "I  did  n't  want  the  col 
lar.  I  did  n't  need  it,  and  I  refused  to 
bring  it  into  the  house  on  principle.  I 
don't  believe  in  tariff  duties.  I  'm  a 
free  trader.  I  would  n't  smuggle,  and 
I  would  n't  pay  duty,  and  so  I  left  it 
outside.  You  should  have  left  it 
[170] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

there.  You  did  n't  leave  it  there,  and 
so  it  is  your  duty  to  pay  the  duty." 

"Never!"  declared  Kitty. 

For  a  few  minutes  they  were  silent, 
and  Billy  looked  glumly  at  the  street. 
Then  he  cheered  up  suddenly.  He 
looked  at  Kitty  and  smiled. 

"I  '11  tell  you  what  let  's  do!"  he 
exclaimed.  "Let  's  go  out  under  the 
tree  and  talk  it  over.  We  '11  go  out 
under  the  tree  and  talk  it  all  over. 
That  is  the  only  way  we  can  settle 


it." 


"It  is  settled  now,"  said  Kitty.  "I 
don't  think  it  needs  any  more  set- 
ding." 

Billy  beamed  upon  her  cheerfully. 

[171] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Well,"  he  said,  "let  's  go  out  un 
der  the  tree  and — and  unsettle  it." 

For  a  moment  Kitty  seemed  to 
hesitate,  but  that  was  only  for  Billy's 
good,  lest  he  think  she  yielded  to  his 
whims  too  readily.  Then  she  went, 
and  draped  herself  gracefully  upon 
the  sweet,  dry  grass,  and  Billy  sat 
himself  cross-legged  near  her. 

"Now,  what  do  you  think  of  this 
Domestic  Tariff  business,  anyway?" 
he  asked. 

"I  think  it  is  the  silliest  thing  I  ever 
heard  of,"  said  Kitty  frankly.  "I 
never  heard  of  a  man  with  real  sense 
conceiving  such  a  thing.  As  if  such  a 
lot  of  nonsense  is  needed  to  save  a  few 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

dollars  for  an  education  that  is  n't  to 
come  about  for  sixteen  years  or  so! 
And  the  idea  of  making  his  guests  pay 
the  duty  too!  It  is  the  most  unhos- 
pi table  thing  I  ever  heard  of!" 

"Is  n't  it?"  agreed  Billy,  promptly. 
"It  makes  us  feel  as  if  we  had  no 
right  to  be  here.  A  man  can't  afford 
to  bring  even  the  things  he  needs, 
when  he  has  to  pay  that  exorbitant 
duty  on  everything.  And  it  is  so  much 
worse  on  you.  Now  I  can  get  along 
with  very  little.  A  man  can,  you 
know.  But  how  is  a  girl  going  to  do 
without  all  the  things  she  is  accus 
tomed  to?  I  believe,"  he  said,  confi 
dentially  lowering  his  voice  and 

[173] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

glancing  at  the  house,  "I  believe,  if  I 
were  a  girl,  I  would  be  tempted  to 
smuggle  in  the  things  I  really 
needed." 

"Would  you?"  asked  Kitty, 
sweetly.  "But  then  you  men  have 
different  ideas  of  such  things,  don't 
you?  You  don't  think  a  girl  would 
do  such  a  thing,  do  you?  Would  you 
advise  it?  I  don't  know  whether — 
how  would  you  go  about  smuggling, 
if  you  wanted  to?  But  I  don't  believe 
it  would  be  honest,  would  it?" 

She  turned  up  to  him  two  such  in 
nocent  eyes  that  Billy  almost  blushed. 
There  is  no  satisfaction  in  knowing  a 
person  is  guilty,  the  satisfaction  is  in 

[174] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

making  the  person  look  guilty,  and 
Kitty  looked  like  an  innocent  child 
questioning  the  face  of  a  tempter  and 
seeing  guilt  there.  He  longed  to  ask 
her  outright  how  she  happened  to 
have  a  pink  shirt-waist,  but  he  did  not 
dare  to,  lest  he  put  her  at  once  on  her 
guard.  He  felt  a  great  desire  to  take 
her  by  the  shoulders  and  shake  her  out 
of  her  calm  superiority.  It  was  very 
trying  to  him.  No  girl  had  a  right  to 
act  as  if  she  thought  herself  the  su 
perior  of  any  man.  Just  to  show  her 
how  inferior  she  was  he  dropped  the 
subject  of  the  tariff  entirely  and  be 
gan  a  conversation  on  Ibsen.  He  did 
not  know  much  about  Ibsen  but  he 

[175] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

knew  a  little  and  he  could  lead  her 
beyond  her  depths  and  make  her  feel 
her  inferiority  that  way.  Kitty  lis 
tened  to  him  with  an  amused  smile, 
and  then  told  him  a  few  things  about 
Ibsen,  quoted  a  few  enlightening 
pages  from  Hauptmann,  routed  him, 
slaughtered  him  gently  as  he  fled  from 
position  to  position,  and  ended  by  ask 
ing  him  if  he  had  ever  read  anything 
of  Ibsen's.  It  was  very  trying  to 
Billy.  This  girl  evidently  had  no  re 
spect  for  the  superior  brain  of  man 
whatever. 

CCI  think  the  lawn  needs  sprink 
ling,"  he  said,  coldly. 

"Do  you  know  how  it  should  be 

[176] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

done?"  she  asked,  and  that  was  the 
final  insult.  Nice  girls  never  asked 
such  questions  in  such  a  way.  Nice 
girls  looked  up  with  wonder  in  their 
eyes  and  said,  "Oh!  You  men  know 
how  to  do  everything!"  That  settled 
Billy's  opinion  of  Kitty!  She  was 
evidently  one  of  these  over-educated, 
forward,  scheming,  coquetting  girls. 
She  had  not  even  said,  "Oh!  don't 
sprinkle  the  lawn  now ;  stay  here  and 
talk  with  me."  He  squared  his  shoul 
ders  and  marched  over  to  the  sprink 
ling  apparatus,  while  she  sat  with 
her  back  against  the  tree  and  watched 
him.  He  turned  on  the  water  and  ad 
justed  the  nozzle  to  a  good  strong 

[177] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

flow.  He  wet  the  lawn  at  the  rear  of 
the  house  first,  and  was  pulling  the 
hose  after  him  into  the  front  lawn 
when  Mrs.  Fenelby  suddenly  ap 
peared  on  the  porch.  She  had  a  box  of 
cigars  in  her  hand,  and  when  he  saw 
them  Billy  jumped  guiltily. 

"Billy!"  she  exclaimed,  "Are  these 
your  cigars?" 

"Why,  say!"  he  said,  after  one 
glance  at  her  face  on  which  suspicion 
was  but  too  plainly  imprinted. 
"Those  are  cigars,  are  n't  they? 
That  's  a  whole  box  of  cigars,  is  n't 
it?" 

"It  is,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  severely, 
"and  I  found  it  in  your  room.  I  don't 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

remember  having  received  any  duty 
on  a  box  of  cigars,  Billy.  I  hope  you 
were  not  trying  to  smuggle  them  in.  I 
hope  you  were  not  trying  to  rob  poor, 
dear  little  Bobberts,  Billy." 

Billy  held  the  nozzle  limply  in  one 
hand  and  let  the  stream  pour  waste- 
fully  at  his  feet. 

"That  box  of  cigars — "  he  began 
weakly.  "That  box  of  cigars,  the  box 
you  found  in  my  room,  well,  that  is  a 
box  of  cigars.  You  see,  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby,"  he  continued,  cautiously,  "that 
box  of  cigars  was  up  there  in  my  room, 
and —  Now,  you  know  I  would  n't 
try  to  smuggle  anything  in,  don't 
you?  Now,  I  '11  tell  you  all  about  it." 

[179] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

But  he  did  n't.  He  looked  at  the  box 
thoughtfully.  He  saw  now  that  he 
had  been  silly  to  buy  a  whole  box.  A 
man  should  not  buy  more  than  a 
handful  at  a  time. 

"Well?"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  impa 
tiently. 

"Is  n't  that  the  box  you  bought 
when  you  went  over  to  the  station 
with  Tom  this  morning?"  asked 
Kitty,  sweetly.  "You  brought  back 
a  box  when  you  returned  you  know." 

Billy  turned  his  head  and  glared  at 
her.  But  she  only  smiled  at  him.  He 
did  not  dare  to  look  Mrs.  Fenelby  in 
the  eye. 

"Tom  smokes  a  great  deal,  does  n't 

[180] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

he?"  Kitty  continued  lightly.  "I 
wondered  when  you  brought  that  box 
of  cigars  back  with  you  if  he  had  n't 
asked  you  to  bring  them  over  for  him. 
That  was  what  I  thought  the  moment 
I  saw  you  with  them." 

"Why,  yes,  of  course,"  said  Billy, 
with  relief.  "That  was  how  it  was. 
I — I  did  n't  like  to  say  it,  you  know," 
he  assured  Mrs.  Fenelby,  eagerly,  "I 
— I  did  n't  know  just  how  Tom 
would  feel  about  it.  Tom  will  pay 
the  duty.  When  he  comes  home  this 
evening.  He  could  n't  come  home 
from  the  station — and  miss  his  train 
— and  all  that  sort  of  thing — just  to 
pay  the  duty  on  a  box  of  cigars,  could 

[181] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

he?  So  I  brought  them  home.  It  is 
perfectly  plain  and  simple !  You  see 
if  he  does  n't  pay  the  duty  as  soon  as 
he  gets  in  the  house.  Tom  would  n't 
want  to  smuggle  them  in,  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby.  You  should  n't  think  he  would 
do  such  a  thing.  I  'm — I  'm  surprised 
that  you  should  think  that  of  Tom." 
Mrs.  Fenelby  looked  at  him 
doubtfully,  and  then  glanced  at 
Kitty's  innocent  face.  She  shook  her 
head.  It  did  not  seem  just  what  Tom 
would  have  done,  but  she  could  not 
deny  that  it  might  be  so.  She  would 
know  all  about  it  when  he  came  home 
in  the  evening.  She  cast  a  glance  at 
the  lawn,  and  uttered  a  cry.  Billy 

[182] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

was  pouring  oceans  of  water  at  full 
pressure  upon  her  pansy  bed,  and  the 
poor  flowers  were  dashing  madly 
about  and  straining  at  their  roots. 
Some  were  already  lying  washed  out 
by  the  roots.  Billy  looked,  and  swung 
the  nozzle  sharply  around,  and  the 
scream  that  Kitty  uttered  told  him 
that  he  had  hit  another  mark.  That 
pink  shirt-waist  looked  disreputable. 
Water  was  dripping  from  all  its  laces, 
and  from  Kitty's  hair,  and  her  cheeks 
glistened  with  pearly  drops.  She  was 
drenched. 

"Goodness!"  she  exclaimed,  shak 
ing  her  hanging  arms  and  her  down- 
bent  head,  and  then  glancing  at  Billy, 

[183] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

who  stood  idiotically  regarding  her, 
she  laughed.  He  was  a  statue  of 
miserable  regret,  and  the  limply  held 
garden  hose  was  pouring  its  stream 
unheeded  into  his  low  shoes.  Wet  as 
she  was,  and  uncomfortable,  she 
could  not  refrain  from  laughing,  for 
Billy  could  not  have  looked  more 
guilty  if  she  had  been  sugar  and  had 
completely  melted  before  his  eyes. 
Even  Mrs.  Fenelby  laughed. 

"It  does  n't  matter  a  bit!"  said 
Kitty,  reassuringly.  "Really,  I  don't 
mind  it  at  all.  It  was  nice  and  cool." 

She  was  very  pretty,  from  Billy's 
point  of  view,  as  she  stood  with  a 
wisp  or  two  of  wet  hair  coquettishly 

[184] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

straggling  ever  her  face.  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby  would  have  said  she  looked 
mussy,  but  there  is  something  strange 
ly  enticing  to  a  man  in  a  bit  of  hair 
wandering  astray  over  a  pretty  face. 
Before  marriage,  that  is.  It  quite 
finished  Billy.  He  forgave  her  all  just 
on  account  of  those  few  wet,  wander 
ing  locks. 

"I  'm  so  sorry!"  he  said,  with  enor 
mous  contrition.  "I  'm  awfully 
sorry.  I  'm — I  'm  mighty  sorry. 
Really,  1 5m  sorry." 

"Now,  it  does  n't  matter  a  bit," 
said  Kitty  lightly.  "Not  a  bit!  I'll 
just  run  up  and  get  on  something 
dry—" 

[185] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"You  had  better  shut  off  the 
water,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  and  went 
into  the  house. 

Billy  laid  the  hose  carefully  at  his 
feet. 

"I  say,"  he  said,  hesitatingly,  to 
Kitty,  "wear  the  one  you  had  on  last 
night — the  white  one.  I — I  think 
that  one  's  pretty." 

"Oh,  no!"  said  Kitty.  "I  can't 
wear  that  one.  That  one  is  all  mussed 
up.  I  can't  wear  that  one  again.  I 
have  a  lovely  blue  one." 

"No!"  said  Billy,  whispering,  and 
glancing  suspiciously  at  the  house. 
"Not  blue!  Please  don't!  It— it  's 
dangerous." 

[186] 


THE  AMATEUR  DETECTIVE 

"Oh,  but  it  is  a  dream  of  a  waist!" 
said  Kitty.     "You  wait  until  you  see 


it." 


"No!"  pleaded  Billy  again.  "Not 
a  blue  one !  If  you  wore  a  blue  one  I 
could  n't  help  but  notice  it  was  blue. 
It  is  n't  safe.  Don't  wear  a  blue  one, 
or  a  green  one,  or  a  brown  one.  Just  a 
white  one.  Not  any  other  color;  just 
white.  You  see,"  he  said  with  sud 
den  confidentiality,  "I  'm  a  detec 
tive.  I  'm  detecting  for  Tom.  I  told 
him  I  would,  and  I  've  got  to  keep  my 
word.  He  has  a  notion  someone  is 
smuggling  things  into  the  house  with 
out  paying  the  duty,  and  he  got  me  to 
detect  at  you  for  him.  We  're  sus- 

[187] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

picious  about  your  clothes.  There  's 
a  white  waist,  and  this  pink  waist,  al 
ready,  and  if  you  go  to  wearing  blue 
ones  and  all  sorts  of  colors,  I  can't 
help  but  notice  it.  I  don't  want  to  get 
you  into  trouble  with  Tom,  you 
know."  He  hesitated  a  moment  and 
then  said;  "You  helped  me  out  about 
those  cigars." 

"All  right!"  said  Kitty,  cheerfully, 
"I  '11  wear  a  white  one,  but  I  think 
you  might  be  color  blind  if  you  really 
want  to  help  me." 


[188] 


VIII 

THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

THERE  was  a  train  from  the  city 
at  6:02,  and  Tom  was  not 
likely  to  be  home  on  one  ear 
lier.  At  5:48  Kitty  and  Billy  and 
Mrs.  Fenelby  were  sitting  on  the 
porch,  and  Bobberts  was  lying  in 
a  tilted-back  rocking  chair,  behav 
ing  himself.  It  was  a  calm  and 
peaceful  suburban  scene — the  still 
ness  and  the  loneliness  and  the  mos 
quitoes  were  all  present.  It  was  the 

[189] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

,'  \ 

idle  time  when  no  one  cares  whether 
time  flies  or  halts.  Mrs.  Fenelby  had 
the  table  set  and  the  cold  dinner 
ready;  Kitty  was  primped;  and  Billy 
should  have  had  nothing  in  the  world 
to  do,  but  he  had  been  opening  and 
closing  his  watch  every  minute  for 
the  last  half  hour.  He  was  uneasy. 
At  5 148  he  arose  and  stretched  out  his 
arms. 

"I  guess,"  he  said  as  lazily  as  he 
could;  "I  guess  I  '11  walk  down  and 
meet  Tom.  I  have  n't  been  out  much 
to-day." 

There  was  one  thing  he  had  to  do. 
He  had  to  see  Tom  before  Mrs.  Fen 
elby  could  see  him,  and  explain  about 
[190] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

that  box  of  cigars.  If  Tom  was  to  be 
held  responsible  for  the  duty  on  it 
Tom  should  at  least  know  that  a  box 
of  cigars  had  been  brought  into  the 
house.  It  was  absolutely  necessary 
for  Billy  to  see  Tom,  and  explain  a 
few  things. 

"We  have  none  of  us  been  out 
enough  to-day/'  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 
"It  will  do  us  all  good  to  walk  down 
to  the  station,  and  we  will  take  Bob- 
berts." 

Billy  stood  still.  The  cheerful  ex 
pression  that  had  rested  on  his  face 
faded.  There  would  be  a  pretty  lot  of 
trouble  if  the  whole  lot  of  them  went 
in  a  group,  and  he  wondered  that 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Kitty  did  not  see  this,  and  why  she 
did  not  say  something  to  dissuade 
Mrs.  Fenelby  from  leaving  the  house. 
He  simply  had  to  get  a  few  words 
with  Tom  in  private  before  Mrs.  Fen 
elby  could  ask  her  husband  about  the 
cigars. 

"I  would  n't  advise  it,"  said  Billy, 
shaking  his  head.  "No,  indeed.  I 
would  n't  take  the  chance,  Laura." 
He  walked  to  the  end  of  the  porch  and 
peered  earnestly  at  the  western  sky. 
It  was  a  singularly  clear  and  cloud 
less  sky.  "I  'm  afraid  it  will  rain,"  he 
explained,  boldly.  "It  would  n't  do 
to  take  Bobberts  out  and  let  him  get 
rained  on.  It  looks  just  like  one  of 
[192] 


"When  the  6:oz  pulled  in" 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

those  evenings  when  a  rain  comes  up 
all  of  a  sudden.  I  would  n't  risk  it." 

"Nonsense!"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
shortly,  and  she  gathered  the  crowing 
Bobberts  into  her  arms  and  started. 
Kitty  also  arose,  but  Billy  hung  back. 

"I  guess  I  won't  go,"  he  declared. 
"It  looks  too  much  like  rain." 

"Nonsense!"  declared  Mrs.  Fen 
elby  again.  "You  come  right  along. 
I  don't  believe  it  will  rain  for  a 
week." 

There  was  nothing  for  him  to  do 
but  to  go,  and  he  went.  The  three  of 
them  were  standing  on  the  platform 
when  the  6:O2  pulled  in,  and  they 
looked  eagerly  for  Mr.  Fenelby,  but 
they  did  not  see  him  among  the  alight- 

[195] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

ing  commuters.  Mr.  Fenelby  saw 
them  first.  He  saw  them  before  the 
train  pulled  up  to  the  station,  for  he 
had  been  standing  on  the  car  platform 
with  a  box  under  his  arm,  ready  to 
make  a  dash  for  home  the  moment  the 
train  stopped,  but  now  he  stepped 
back  and,  as  the  train  slowed  down, 
he  jumped  off  on  the  opposite  side  of 
the  train.  There  was  a  small  row  of 
evergreens  on  the  little  lawn  of  the 
station,  and  he  stepped  behind  one  of 
them  and  waited.  Between  the  thin 
branches  of  the  tree  he  could  see  his 
family,  when  the  train  pulled  out, 
looking  eagerly  at  the  straggling  line 
of  commuters.  The  box  he  held  was 

[196] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

X 

heavy,  and  he  hoped  the  family  would 
soon  decide  that  he  had  missed  the 
train,  and  would  go  home,  but  he  saw 
Mrs.  Fenelby  seat  herself  on  the  wait 
ing-bench.  He  saw  Kitty  take  a  seat 
beside  her,  and  he  saw  Billy,  after  evi 
dent  hesitation,  take  the  seat  next  to 
Kitty.  The  evergreen  tree  was  small, 
and  the  next  tree  to  it  was  ten  feet 
distant.  He  was  marooned  behind 
that  tree. 

Mr.  Fenelby  instantly  saw  that  he 
had  done  a  foolish  thing.  He  had  that 
overwhelming  sense  of  foolishness 
that  comes  to  a  man  at  times,  when  he 
thinks  he  has  never  done  a  sane  and 
sound  act  in  his  whole  silly  life.  Mr. 

[197] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Fenelby  realized  that  he  had  been 
foolish  when  he  had  bought,  on  the 
subscription  plan,  a  complete  set  of 
Eugene  Field's  works,  bound  in  three- 
quarters  levant  morocco,  twelve  vol 
umes  for  thirty-six  dollars.  He  real 
ized  that  although  he  had  had  to  pay 
but  five  dollars  down,  to  the  agent,  he 
would  have  to  pay  thirty  per  cent,  of 
the  value  of  the  whole  set,  in  duty, 
the  moment  he  took  the  books  into  the 
house.  He  realized  that  he  had  been 
silly  to  bring  the  whole  heavy  set 
home  at  one  time.  He  realized  that 
he  had  been  positively  childish  when 
he  thought  of  hiding  himself  behind 
this  miserable  little  tree,  with  this 

[198] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

heavy  box  in  his  arms  and  six  subur 
ban  stores  staring  him  full  in  the  face. 
He  wondered  what  the  proprietors  of 
the  six  stores  would  think  of  him  if 
they  happened  to  see  him  hiding  there 
behind  the  tree,  while  his  whole  fam 
ily  awaited  him  on  the  station  plat 
form.  And  then,  as  he  happened  to 
remember  that  one  of  the  stores  was  a 
drug-store  with  a  soda-fountain,  he 
shuddered.  Given  three  suburban 
ites  on  a  station  platform,  and  a  train 
not  due  for  thirty  minutes  for  which 
they  must  wait,  and  a  soda-fountain 
across  the  way,  and  the  answer  is  that 
the  three  suburbanites  will  soon  be  in 
the  place  where  the  soda-fountain  is. 

[199] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 
When  Mrs.  Fenelby  arose  Mr.  Fen- 
elby  shifted  the  box  of  books  into  a 
more  secure  angle  of  his  arm,  and  as 
the  trio,  and  Bobberts,  started  across 
the  track  and  lawn  Mr.  Fenelby  edged 
cautiously  around  the  tree  to  keep  it 
between  him  and  them.  The  trade  of 
smuggler  has  ever  been  one  of  wild 
adventure  and  excitement. 

He  peered  at  them  until  they  en 
tered  the  drug-store,  and  then  he 
backed  cautiously  away,  step  by  step, 
with  the  tree  as  a  screen.  As  he 
reached  the  corner  of  the  station  he 
turned  and  ran,  and  as  he  turned  he 
saw  Billy  hurry  out  of  the  drug-store 
and  run,  and  Mrs.  Fenelby  and  Kitty 
[200] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

hurry  out  after  Billy.  Mr.  Fenelby 
did  not  wait  to  see  if  they  also  ran. 
He  ran  all  the  way  home,  and  hurried 
into  the  house,  and  up  the  stairs  to  the 
attic.  He  felt  better  about  the  set  of 
Field  now.  He  had  always  wanted  it, 
and  he  deserved  it,  for  he  had  waited 
for  it  long.  He  could  hide  it  in  the 
attic  and  bring  it  into  the  realm  of  the 
tariff  duty  one  volume  at  a  time.  He 
felt  his  way  into  the  f artherest  corner 
and  pushed  the  box  under  the  rafters. 
It  would  not  quite  go  back  where  he 
wanted  it  to  go,  for  something  was  in 
the  way  of  it.  He  pulled  the  other 
thing  out.  It  was  also  a  box.  It  was 
another  box  of  Eugene  Field  in  twelve 
[201] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

volumes,  three-quarter  levant,  and  it 
was  addressed  to  "Mrs.  Thomas  Fen 
elby."  There  had  never  been  any 
duty  paid  on  books  since  the  Common 
wealth  of  Bobberts  had  been  estab 
lished.  For  a  moment  Mr.  Fenelby 
frowned  angrily;  then  he  smiled.  He 
hid  his  set  of  Field  in  the  other  corner 
of  the  attic,  and  hurried  down  stairs. 

He  expected  to  find  Billy  there,  for 
he  had  seen  him  start  to  run  when  he 
left  the  drug-store,  but  there  was  no 
Billy  in  sight,  and  Mr.  Fenelby  seated 
himself  in  the  hammock  and  waited. 
He  was  ready  to  receive  his  returning 
family  with  an  easy  conscience.  His 
box  was  well  hidden.  When  they  ap 
peared  in  the  distance  he  saw  that 
[202] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

they  were  all  together,  Billy  and  the 
two  girls  and  Bobberts,  and  Mr.  Fen- 
elby  arose  and  waved  his  hand  to 
them.  He  was  ready  to  be  merry  and 
jovial,  and  to  tease  them  cheerfully 
because  they  had  not  seen  him  when 
he  got  off  the  train.  But  Mrs.  Fenelby 
climbed  the  porch  steps  with  an  air  of 
anger. 

"Good  evening,"  she  said,  coldly. 
"I  see  you  are  home." 

She  laid  Bobberts  in  the  chair  and 
faced  Mr.  Fenelby. 

"Now,  I  want  to  know  what  all  this 
means!"  she  declared.  "I  think  there 
is  something  peculiar  going  on  in  this 
family.  Why  did  Billy  run  all  the 
way  down  to  the  next  station  so  that 
[203] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

he  could  be  the  first  to  meet  you  as  you 
came  home  this  evening?  Why  did 
you  avoid  us  at  the  station  and  hurry 
home  this  way?  You  may  think  I  am 
simple,  Thomas  Fenelby,  but  I  believe 
somebody  is  smuggling  things  into  the 
house  without  paying  the  tariff  duty 
on  them !  I  believe  you  and  Billy  are 
conspiring  to  rob  poor,  dear  little  Bob- 
berts,  and  I  want  to  know  the  truth 
about  it!  I  believe  Kitty  is  in  it  too!" 
"Laura!"  exclaimed  Kitty,  with 
horror,  recoiling  from  her,  while  the 
two  men  stood  sheepishly.  "Why, 
Laura  Fenelby!  If  you  say  such  a 
thing  I  shall  go  right  up  and  pack  my 
clothes  and  go  home!" 
[204] 


THE  FIELD  OF  DISHONOR 

"What  clothes?"  asked  Mr.  Fen- 
elby,  meaningly.  Kitty  ignored  the 
insinuation. 

"You  three  should  not  dare  to  look 
me  in  the  face  and  talk  about  smug 
gling,"  she  declared.  "You  dare  to 
accuse  me.  I  would  like  to  have  you 
explain  about  that  box  upstairs  first." 

Mr.  Fenelby  and  Billy  and  Mrs. 
Fenelby  paled.  For  one  moment  there 
was  perfect  silence  while  Kitty,  with 
folded  arms,  looked  at  them  scorn 
fully.  Then,  with  strange  simul- 
taneousness,  all  three  opened  their 
mouths  and  said : 

"I  '11  explain  about  that  box !" 

[205] 


IX 

BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

KITTY  stood  scornfully  trium 
phant  awaiting  the  next 
words  of  the  guilty  trio,  and 
three  more  cowed  and  guilt-stricken 
smugglers  never  faced  an  equally 
guilty  accuser  with  such  uncomfort 
able  feelings.  Billy  was  sorry  he  had 
ever  tried  to  fabricate  the  story  about 
Mr.  Fenelby  having  asked  him  to 
bring  the  box  of  cigars  home ;  Mr.  Fen 
elby  wished  he  had  left  the  set  of 

[206] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

Eugene  Field's  works  at  the  office, 
and  Mrs.  Fenelby  was,  perhaps,  the 
most  worried  of  all,  for  she  did  not 
know  whether  to  admit  her  guilt  and 
own  that  she  had  brought  a  set  of 
Eugene  Field  into  the  house  without 
paying  the  duty,  or  to  annihilate  the 
accusing  Kitty  by  declaring  that 
Kitty  had  a  whole  closet  full  of  smug 
gled  garments.  It  was  a  trying  situa 
tion. 

In  a  drama  this  would  have  been 
the  cue  for  the  curtain  to  fall  with  a 
rush,  ending  the  act  and  leaving  the 
audience  a  space  to  wonder  how  the 
complication  could  ever  be  untangled, 
but  on  the  Fenelby's  porch  there  was 

[207] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

no  curtain  to  fall.     So  Bobberts  fell 
instead. 

He  raised  his  pink  hands  and  his 
head,  rolled  over  in  the  porch  rocker 
in  which  he  had  been  lying,  and  fell 
to  the  porch  floor  with  a  bump.  A  cur 
tain  could  not  have  ended  the  scene 
more  quickly.  Never  in  his  life  had 
he  been  so  cruelly  treated  as  by  this 
faithless  rocking-chair.  He  had  re 
posed  his  simple  faith  in  it,  and  it 
threw  him  to  earth,  and  then  rocked 
joyously  across  him.  His  voice  arose 
in  short,  piercing  yells.  He  turned 
purple  with  rage  and  pain.  He  drew 
up  his  knees  and  simply,  soulfully 
screamed.  Up  and  down  the  street 

[208] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

neighbors  came  out  upon  their  veran 
das,  napkins  in  hand,  and  stared  won- 
deringly  at  the  Fenelby  porch.  Kitty 
and  Billy  stood  like  a  wooden  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Noah  in  the  toy  ark,  but  Mr. 
Fenelby  and  Laura  sprang  to  Bob 
berts'  aid  and  gathered  him  into  their 
arms,  ordering  each  other  to  do  things, 
and  soothing  Bobberts  at  the  same 
time. 

The  Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff  was 
entirely  forgotten. 

"Well!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fenelby, 
when  Bobberts  had  tapered  off  from 
the  yells  of  rage  to  the  steady  weeping 
of  injured  feelings,  "What  are  you 
standing  there  like  two  sticks  for? 
[209] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Can't  you  see  poor,  dear  little  Bob- 
berts  is  nearly  killed?  Why  don't  you 
do  something?" 

There    was    really    nothing    they 
could   do.      Mr.    and   Mrs.    Fenelbv 

* 

made  such  a  compact  crowd  around 
Bobberts  that  no  one  else  could 
squeeze  in,  but  Kitty  dropped  on  her 
knees  and  edged  up  to  the  crowd, 
murmuring,  "Poor  Bobberts!  Poor 
Bobberts!" 

Billy  stood  awkwardly,  feeling  in 
his  pockets.  He  had  an  idea  that  if 
he  could  find  something  to  jingle  be 
fore  Bobberts  it  might  be  about  the 
right  thing  to  do,  but  his  hand  touched 
one  of  the  smuggled  cigars,  and  he 
[210] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

withdrew  it  as  if  his  fingers  had  been 
burnt.  This  poor,  weeping  child  was 
the  Bobberts  he  had  been  cheating  of 
a  few  pennies.  He  touched  Kitty  dif 
fidently  on  the  shoulder. 

"Can't  I  do  something?"  he  asked, 
pleadingly,  and  Kitty  took  pity  on  him. 

"Heat  some  water;  very  hot!"  she 
said.  She  was  not  a  baby  expert,  but 
she  felt  that  hot  water  would  not  be  a 
bad  thing  to  have  handy  in  a  case  like 
this.  There  is  one  good  thing  about 
hot  water — if  it  is  not  wanted  it  does 
no  harm,  for  if  allowed  to  stand  it  will 
get  cool  again — and  it  pleased  her  to 
be  able  to  order  Billy  to  do  something. 
The  prompt  and  eager  manner  in 
[211] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

which  he  obeyed  the  order  pleased  her 
still  more.  He  ran  all  the  way  to  the 
kitchen. 

Half  an  hour  later  he  cautiously 
carried  a  dish-pan  full  of  water  to  the 
porch  and  stared  in  amazement  at  the 
place  where  he  had  left  Bobberts  and 
his  parents.  They  were  gone!  He 
felt  that  he  had  not  been  quite  as 
quick  with  the  water  as  he  might  have 
been,  for  the  only  burner  that  had 
been  lighted  on  the  gas  range  was 
the  "simmerer,"  and  that  had  only  a 
flame  as  large  around  as  a  dollar,  and 
not  strong,  but  he  had  not  dared  to 
light  another.  He  had  a  dim  remem 
brance  that  stoves  of  some  kind  some- 
[212] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

times  exploded,  and  he  did  not  want 
to  risk  an  explosion  by  tampering 
with  an  unknown  stove.  He  felt  that 
a  stove  and  Bobberts  both  exploding 
at  the  same  time  would  have  been 
more  than  the  Fenelbys  could  have 
borne.  As  he  stood  holding  the  pan 
of  hot  water  well  away  from  him  the 
sound  of  the  click  of  knives  and  forks 
on  china  came  to  him  through  the  open 
window.  Only  a  little  of  the  hot 
water  spilled  over  the  edge  of  the  pan 
upon  his  legs  as  he  opened  the  screen 
door  and  entered  the  hall. 

He  walked  carefully,  bent  over  and 
holding  the  pan  at  arm's  length,  and 
as  he  entered  the  dining  room  the 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

three  diners  looked  up  at  him  in  open 
mouthed  surprise.  They  had  forgot 
ten  all  about  Billy. 

"Here  it  is,"  said  Billy,  with  mod 
est  pride  and  an  air  of  accomplish 
ment.  "It  is  good  and  hot.  I  let  it 
get  as  hot  as  it  could." 

The  blank  amazement  that  had 
dulled  the  face  of  Kitty  gave  way  to 
a  look  of  understanding  and  a  smile  as 
she  remembered  having  ordered  him 
to  get  hot  water,  but  the  amazement 
on  the  faces  of  Mr.  Fenelby  and  his 
wife  remained  as  blank  as  ever. 

"It  is  hot  water,"  said  Billy,  ex 
plaining.  "I  heated  it.  What  shall  I 
do  with  it?" 

[214] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

The  sodden  surprise  on  Mr.  Fen- 
elby's  face  melted  away.  A  dish-pan 
full  of  hot  water  served  during  the 
course  of  a  cold  dinner  had  amusing 
elements,  and  Mr.  Fenelby  smiled. 
So  did  Mrs.  Fenelby.  Everybody 
smiled  but  Billy.  He  was  serious. 

"Well,"  he  said,  with  a  touch  of 
impatience,  "these  handles  are  hot.  I 
can't  stand  here  holding  them  all 
night.  What  do  you  want  me  to  do 
with  this  hot  water?" 

"What  do  you  want  to  do  with  it?" 
asked  Mr.  Fenelby.  "What  do  you 
usually  do  with  a  panful  of  hot  water 
when  you  have  one  ?  You  might  take 
a  bath,  if  you  want  to.  You  will  find 

[215] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

the  bath-room  at  the  top  of  the  stairs, 
first  turn  to  the  left.  Run  along,  and 
don't  stay  in  the  water  too  long." 

Mrs.  Fenelby  and  Kitty  laughed, 
and  Mr.  Fenelby  smiled  broadly  at 
his  own  humor.  Billy  blushed. 

"I  heated  it  for  Bobberts,"  he  said, 
stiffly. 

"Thank  you!"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"But  we  won't  boil  Bobberts  this 
evening,  Billy.  Not  just  now,  any 
how.  We  like  to  oblige,  but  we  can't 
be  expected  to  boil  our  only  son  just 
because  you  turn  up  in  the  middle  of 
a  meal  with  a  pan  of  hot  water.  If  we 
ever  boil  him  it  will  not  be  in  the  mid 
dle  of  a  meal.  Please  don't  insist." 

[216] 


BOBBERTS INTERVENES 

Billy  reddened  to  the  roots  of  his 
hair.  Mrs.  Fenelby  was  laughing 
openly  and  Tom  was  pleased  with  the 
excellence  of  his  joke.  Billy  raised 
his  head  angrily  and  strode  out  of  the 
room,  and  Kitty,  from  whose  face  the 
smile  had  fled,  started  up  with  blazing 
eyes. 

"I  think  you  are  horrid!"  she  cried, 
turning  to  Bobberts'  laughing  par 
ents.  "I  think  you  ought  to  thank  him 
instead  of  making  fun  of  him.  I  told 
him  to  heat  the  water,  because  Bob 
berts  was  hurt,  and  I  thought  you 
might  want  it,  and  because  he  was 
trying  to  be  helpful  and — and  nice, 
you  sit  there  and  laugh  at  him.  If  you 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

want* to  make  fun  of  anyone,  make 
fun  of  me !  I  suppose  you  will !" 

"Why,  Kitty!"  cried  Mrs.  Fenelby. 

"Yes!"  cried  Kitty.  "I  suppose 
you  will.  That  seems  to  be  what  you 
want  to  do — make  your  guests  as  un 
comfortable  as  you  can.  You  don't 
want  us  here.  You  make  up  this  fool 
ish  tariff  to  make  trouble,  and  you 
drive  away  your  servants  so  that  we 
feel  that  we  are  imposing  on  you,  and 
you  make  fun  of  us  when  we  try  to  be 
helpful—" 

"Why,  Kitty!"  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Fenelby  again. 

"You  do!"  Kitty  declared.  "I  'm 
surprised  at  you,  Laura  Fenelby,  I 

[218] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 
am  indeed.  I  'm  surprised  that  you 
should  let  your  husband  dictate  to 
you,  and  make  you  his  slave  with  his 
tariffs  and  such  things,  but  you  like  it. 
Very  well,  be  his  slave  if  you  want 
to.  But  I  can  see  one  thing — Billy 
and  I  are  not  wanted  in  this  house. 
You  and  your  husband  just  want  to 
be  alone  and  enjoy  your  selfish  house. 
The  best  thing  Billy  and  I  can  do  is 
to  go.  I  can  see  very  plainly  now, 
Laura,  that  you  got  up  that  silly  tariff 
just  to  drive  us  out  of  the  house. 
Very  well,  we  will  go!" 

She  turned  from  the  amazed  par 
ents  of  Bobberts  to  the  amazed  Billy 
who  was  standing  in  the  hall  with  the 

[219] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

inoffensive  pan  of  hot  water  in  his 
hands,  and  put  her  hand  on  his  arm. 

"Come!"  she  said.  "I  am  going  up 
to  pack  my  trunks." 

For  a  moment  after  the  shock  the 
Fenelbys  sat  in  surprised  silence, 
looking  blankly  each  into  the  other's 
face,  and  then  Laura  spoke. 

"Tom,"  she  gasped,  "they  must  n't 
leave  this  way!" 

Mr.  Fenelby  slowly  folded  his  nap 
kin,  and  as  slowly  placed  it  in  the 
ring.  Then  he  laid  the  ring  gently  on 
the  table  and  arranged  his  knife  and 
fork  side  by  side  on  his  plate,  as  pre 
scribed  by  the  guide  books  to  good 
manners. 

[220] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

"She  said  she  was  going  up  stairs  to 
pack  her  trunks,"  he  said  with  delibe 
ration.  "To  pack  her  trunks.  If  she 
has  enough  to  pack  into  trunks,  Laura, 
there  has  been  smuggling  going  on  in 
this  house." 

Mrs.  Fenelby  folded  her  napkin  as 
slowly  as  her  husband  had  just  folded 
his,  and  she  kept  her  eyes  on  it  as  she 
answered. 

"Tom,"  she  said,  "do  you  think  it 
is  quite  the  time  now  to  talk  of  smug 
gling?  Would  n't  it  be  better  if  you 
went  up  and  apologized  to  Kitty  and 
Billy?" 

"Laura,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  "it  is 
always  time  to  talk  of  smuggling. 
[221] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

The  foundation  of  the  home  is  order; 
order  can  only  be  maintained  by  liv 
ing  up  to  such  rules  as  are  made;  the 
Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff  is  more  than 
a  rule,  it  is  a  law.  If  we  let  the  laws 
of  our  home  be  trampled  under  foot 
by  whoever  chooses  the  whole  thing 
totters,  sways  and  falls.  The  home  is 
wrecked  and  sorrow  and  dissention 
come.  Dissention  leads  to  misunder 
standing  and  divorce.  That  is  why  I 
am  strict.  That  is  why  I  refuse  to  let 
two  strangers  wreck  our  whole  lives 
by  ignoring  the  Domestic  Tariff.  If 
they  do  not  like  the  laws  of  our  little 
Commonwealth,  they  can  go.  The 
door  is  open!" 

[222] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

"Thomas  Fenelby,"  said  his  wife, 
"I  think  you  are  horrid !  I  never  knew 
anything  so  unhospitable  in  my  life. 
It  is  n't  as  if  no  one  in  this  house  ever 
broke  that  tariff  law  except  Kitty  and 
Billy;  you  have  n't  explained  about 
that  box — " 

Mr.  Fenelby  reddened  and  he 
looked  at  his  wife  sternly. 

"Do  you  mean  the  box  I  found 
hidden  under  the  eaves  in  the  attic, 
addressed  to  you,  my  dear?"  he 
asked  with  cutting  sweetness,  and 
Mrs.  Fenelby,  in  turn,  grew  red  and 
gasped. 

"You  are  mean !"  she  exclaimed.  "I 
think  you  are  not — not  nice  to  go  pok- 

[223] 


14 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

ing  around  under  eaves  and  things, 
trying  to  find  some  blame  to  throw  up 
to  your  wife!  I  wish  you  had  never 
thought  of  your  horrid  tariff,  and — 
and—" 

She  put  her  handkerchief  to  her 
eyes,  and  a  minute  later  went  out  of 
the  room  and  up  the  stairs.  Mr.  Fen- 
elby  heard  her  cross  the  floor  above 
him,  and  heard  the  creaking  of  the  bed 
as  she  threw  herself  upon  it.  He 
looked  sternly  out  of  the  dining  room 
window  awhile.  Never,  never  had  his 
wife  spoken  such  words  to  him  before. 
If  she  wished  to  act  so  it  was  very  well 
— she  should  be  taught  a  lesson.  She 
was  vexed  because  she  had  been 
[224] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

caught  in  a  palpable  case  of  smug 
gling  herself.  Now  he — 

He  arose  and  took  Bobberts'  bank 
from  the  mantel;  from  his  pocket  he 
drew  a  small  collection  of  loose 
change  and  one  or  two  small  bills,  and 
saving  out  one  dime  he  fed  the  rest 
into  Bobberts'  bank.  For  a  few  more 
minutes  he  looked  gloomily  from  the 
window,  and  then  he  went  gloomily 
forth  and  dropped  into  the  hammock. 

With  cautious  steps  Billy  Fenelby 
stole  down  the  stairs  and  bending  over 
the  rail  looked  into  the  dining  room. 
It  was  empty,  and  he  tip-toed  down 
the  rest  of  the  way  and,  glancing  from 
side  to  side  like  one  fearing  discovery, 
[225] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

dropped  a  handful  of  loose  coins  into 
Bobberts'  bank.  As  he  ascended  the 
stairs  his  face  wore  the  look  of  a  man 
who  is  square  with  the  world. 

As  she  heard  the  door  close  upon 
him  when  he  entered  his  room  Mrs. 
Fenelby  rose  from  her  bed  and  wiped 
her  eyes.  She  took  her  purse  from 
the  dresser  and  opened  it,  then 
paused  for  she  heard  a  door  open 
ing  slowly.  She  heard  light  steps 
cross  the  hall  and  descend  the  stairs, 
but  she  could  not  see  Kitty.  She  could 
only  hear  the  faint  click  of  coin  drop 
ping  upon  coin  in  the  dining  room  be 
low  her.  She  knew  that  Kitty  was 
feeding  Bobberts'  education  fund, 

[226] 


BOBBERTS  INTERVENES 

and  she  waited  until  she  heard  Kitty's 
door  close  again,  and  then  she  went 
down  and  poured  into  the  opening  of 
the  bank  the  remains  of  her  week's 
household  allowance,  and  began  the 
task  of  clearing  the  table.  As  she 
worked  the  tears  splattered  down 
upon  the  plates  as  she  bent  over  them. 
How  could  Tom  be  so  cruel  and  un 
feeling?  Doubtless  he  was  enjoying 
the  thought  of  having  hurt  her  feel 
ings,  if  he  had  not  already  forgotten 
all  about  her,  taking  his  ease  in  the 
hammock. 

She  glanced  out  of  the  window  at 
him.    There  he  lay,  but  as  she  looked 
he  raised  his  hands  and  struck  himself 
[227] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

twice  on  the  head  with  his  clenched 
fists  and  groaned  like  a  man  in  misery. 
For  a  moment  he  lay  still  and  then 
once  more  he  struck  himself  on  the 
head,  and  drawing  up  his  legs  kicked 
them  out  angrily,  like  a  naughty  child 
in  a  tantrum.  He  was  not  having  the 
most  blissful  moments  of  his  life. 
Once  more  he  drew  up  his  legs  and 
kicked,  and  the  hammock  turned  over 
and  dumped  him  on  the  floor  of  the 
porch. 

"Ouch!"  he  exclaimed  quite  nor 
mally,  and  looking  up  he  saw  his  wife, 
and  smiled.  She  not  only  smiled,  but 
laughed,  somewhat  hysterically  but 
forgivingly. 

[228] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

IF  a  man  really  likes  to  wipe  dishes, 
while  his  wife  washes  them,  there 
is  no  better  time  for  friendly  con 
fidences,  and  for  the  arrangement  of 
difficulties.     Diplomatists  win  their 
greatest  battles  for  peace  at  the  din 
ner-table,    because    the    dinner-table 
gives  abundant  opportunity  for  the 
"interruption  politic/'    When  the  ar 
gument  reaches  the  fatal  climax,  and 
the  final  ultimatum  is   delivered,   a 
boiled  potato  may  still   avert  war: 
[229] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Now,  me  lud,  I  ask  you  finally,  will 
your  government,  or  won't  it?  That 
is  the  question,"  and  from  the  oppos 
ing  diplomat  come  the  words,  "Beg 
pardon,  your  ludship,  but  will  you 
kindly  pass  me  the  salt?  Thanks! 
Don't  you  think  the  butter  is  a  little 
strong?"  and  war  is  averted.  Post 
poned,  at  least. 

Just  so  over  the  dish- wiping;  the 
hard  and  fast  logic  of  who  's  right  and 
who's  wrong  is  interrupted  and  turned 
aside  by  timely  ejaculations  of:  "Oh, 
I  did  wipe  that  cup!"  or  interpolated 
questions,  as:  "Have  you  washed  this 
plate  yet,  my  dear?"  A  wise  man  who 
finds  himself  cornered  can  always 
[230] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

drop  one  of  the  blown-glass  tumblers 
on  the  floor — they  only  cost  five  cents 
— or  ask,  innocently:  "Did  I  crack 
this  plate,  or  was  it  already  cracked4?" 
By  a  judicious  use  of  these  little 
wreckers  of  consecutive  speech  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Fenelby,  over  the  dishes, 
reached  a  perfect  understanding  and 
forgot  their  quarrel.  Mr.  Fenelby  said 
she  was  perfectly  right  in  hiding  the 
set  of  Eugene  Field  in  the  attic,  since 
it  was  intended  as  a  surprise  for  him 
on  the  anniversary  of  their  wedding, 
and  the  payment  of  the  tariff  duty  on 
it  would  have  divulged  the  secret; 
and  Mrs.  Fenelby  agreed  that  he  was 
doing  exactly  the  right  thing  when  he 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

did  the  same,  and  for  the  same  reason ; 
but  they  both  agreed  that  Kitty  and 
Billy  had  acted  rather  shamelessly  in 
the  matter  of  smuggling. 

"I  know  Billy,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
"and  I  know  him  well.  I  won't  say 
anything  about  Kitty,  for  she  is  your 
guest,  but  Billy  would  smuggle  any 
thing  he  could  lay  his  hands  on.  He 
is  a  lawyer,  and  a  young  one,  and  all 
you  have  to  do  is  to  show  a  young 
lawyer  a  law,  and  he  immediately  be 
gins  to  look  for  ways  to  get  around  it. 
I  don't  say  this  to  excuse  him.  I  just 
say  it." 

"Well,  you  know  how  women  are," 
said  Mrs.  Fenelby.  "As  sure  as  you 


TARIFF  REFORM 

get  two  or  three  women  who  have  been 
abroad  into  a  group  they  will  begin 
telling  how  and  what  they  were  able 
to  smuggle  in  when  they  came  through 
the  custom  house.  Some  of  them  en 
joy  the  smuggling  part  better  than  all 
the  rest  of  their  trips  abroad,  so  what 
could  you  expect  of  Kitty  when  she 
had  a  perpetual  custom  house  to  smug 
gle  things  through?  She  looks  on  it 
as  a  sort  of  game,  and  the  one  that 
smuggles  the  most  is  the  winner.  I 
don't  say  this  to  excuse  her.  But  it 


is  so." 


"I  am  not  the  least  sorry  that  Billy 
is  offended,  if  he  is,"  said  Mr.  Fenel- 
by,  between  plates;  "but  if  you  wish 

[233] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

I  will  apologize  to  Kitty,  although  I 
don't  see  why  I  should.  The  thing  I 
am  worrying  about  is  Bobberts.  I  like 
this  tariff  plan,  and  I  think  it  is  a 
good  way  to  raise  money — if  anyone 
ever  pays  the  tariff  duties — but  I 
don't  feel  as  if  I  was  treating  Bobberts 
right.  Every  time  I  put  money  in  his 
bank  in  payment  of  the  tariff  duty  on 
a  thing  I  have  brought  into  the  house  I 
feel  that  I  am  doing  Bobberts  a  wrong. 
And  the  more  I  put  in  the  more  guilty 
I  feel." 

"Of  course  it  is  all  for  his  education 
fund,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby. 

"I  know  it,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
"and  that  is  what  makes  me  feel  so 

[234] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

small  and  miserable  when  I  pay  my 
ten  or  thirty  per  cent.  duty.  Bobberts 
is  my  only  son,  and  the  dearest  and 
sweetest  baby  that  ever  lived,  and  I 
ought  to  be  glad  to  give  money  for 
his  education  fund  voluntarily  and 
freely;  and  yet  we  treat  him  as  if  we 
hated  him  and  had  to  be  forced  to  give 
him  a  few  cents  a  day.  We  act  as  if 
he  was  nothing  but  a  government 
treasury  deficit,  and  instead  of  giving 
joyously  and  gladly  because  we  love 
him,  we  act  as  if  we  had  to  Jiave  laws 
made  to  force  us  to  give.  I  feel  it 
more  every  time  I  have  to  pay  tariff 
duty  into  his  bank.  I  tell  you,  Laura, 
it  is  n't  treating  Bobberts  in  the  right 

[235] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

spirit.  If  he  could  understand  he 
would  be  hurt  and  offended  to  think 
his  parents  were  the  kind  that  had  to 
be  compelled  to  give  him  an  educa 
tion,  as  if  he  were  a  reformatory  child 
or  a  Home  for  something  or  other. 
Any  tax  is  always  unpopular,  and  that 
means  it  is  annoying  and  vexatious; 
and  what  I  am  afraid  of  is  that  we  will 
get  to  dislike  Bobberts  because  we  feel 
we  are  injuring  him.  I  don't  mind  the 
tariff,  myself,  but  I  do  want  to  be  fair 
and  square  with  Bobberts.  He  's  the 
only  child  we  have,  Laura." 

"Oh,  Tom!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby,  taking  her  hands  out  of  the  dish 
water;  "do  you  think  we  have  gone 

[236] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

too  far  to  make  it  all  right  again?  Do 
you  think  we  have  hurt  our  love  for 
him,  or  weakened  it,  or — or  anything? 
If  I  thought  so  I  should  never,  never 
forgive  myself!" 

"I  hope  we  have  n't,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby,  seriously;  "but  we  must  not 
take  any  more  chances.  If  this  thing 
goes  on  we  will  become  quite  hard 
ened  toward  Bobberts,  and  cease  to 
love  him  altogether." 

"We  will  stop  this  tariff  right  this 
very  minute!"  cried  Mrs.  Fenelby 
joyously.  "I  am  so  glad,  Tom.  I  just 
hated  the  old  thing!" 

Mr.  Fenelby  shook  his  head  slowly 
and  Mrs.  Fenelby' s  face  lost  its  radi- 

[237] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

ance  and  became  questioningly  fear- 
struck. 

"What  is  it?"  she  asked,  anxiously. 
"Can't  we  stop?  Must  we  keep  on 
with  it  forever  and  forever?" 

"You  forget  the  Congress  of  the 
Commonwealth  of  Bobberts,"  said 
Mr.  Fenelby.  "The  tariff  law  was 
passed  by  the  congress,  and  it  can 
only  be  repealed  by  the  congress,  with 
Bobberts  present." 

Mrs.  Fenelby  wiped  her  hands  hur 
riedly  and  rapidly  untied  her  apron. 

"I  hate  to  waken  Bobberts,"  she 
said,  "but  I  will!  I  'd  do  anything 
to  have  that  tariff  unpassed  again." 

Mr.  Fenelby  put  his  hand  on  her 

[238] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

arm,  restraining  her  as  she  was  about 
to  rush  from  the  kitchen. 

"Wait,  Laura !"  he  said.  "You  for 
get  that  you  and  I  are  not  the  only 
States  now.  Kitty  and  Billy  are 
States,  too.  You  and  I  would  not 
form  a  quorum.  We  must  have  Kitty 
and  Billy." 

"Tom,"  she  said,  "I  will  get  Kitty 
and  Billy  if  I  have  to  drag  them  in  by 
main  force!"  and  she  went  to  find 
them.  Ten  minutes  later  she  returned 
but  without  them.  Mr.  Fenelby  had 
finished  the  dishes,  and  was  hanging 
the  dish-pan  on  its  nail. 

The  two  needed  States  were  no 
where  to  be  found,  neither  in  the 

[239] 


15 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

house,  nor  on  the  porch,  nor  were  they 
on  the  grounds.  There  was  nothing 
to  do  but  to  await  their  return.  It 
was  quite  late  when  Kitty  and  Billy 
returned,  and  the  Fenelbys  had  grown 
tired  of  sitting  on  the  porch  and  had 
gone  inside,  but  Kitty  and  Billy  did 
not  seem  to  mind  the  dampness  or  the 
chill  for  the  moon  was  beautiful,  and 
they  seated  themselves  in  the  ham 
mock.  Bobberts  had  been  put  to  bed, 
and  his  parents  had  become  almost 
merry  with  their  old-time  merriment 
as  they  contemplated  the  speedy  over 
throw  of  the  Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff. 
The  joy  that  comes  from  a  tax  re 
pealed  is  greater  than  the  peace  that 
[240] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

comes  from  paying  a  tax  honestly. 
There  is  no  fun  in  paying  taxes.  Not 
the  least. 

"I  think,  Laura,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
when  he  and  his  wife  had  listened  to 
the  slow  creaking  of  the  hammock 
hooks  for  some  minutes,  "you  had  bet 
ter  go  out  and  tell  them  to  come  in." 

Mrs.  Fenelby  went.  She  let  the 
porch  screen  slam  as  she  went  out — 
which  was  only  fair — and  she  heard 
the  low  whispers  change  to  louder 
tones,  and  a  slight  movement  of  feet; 
but  she  was  not,  evidently,  intruding, 
for  Kitty  and  Billy  were  quite  primly 
disposed  in  the  hammock  when  she 
reached  them. 

[241] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Hello!"  she  said  pleasantly, 
"Won't  you  come  in?  We  are  going 
to  vote  on  the  tariff." 

"Go  ahead  and  vote,"  said  Billy 
cheerfully.  "We  won't  interfere." 

"But  we  can't  vote  until  you  come 
in,"  explained  Mrs.  Fenelby.  "We 
have  n't  a  quorum  until  you  come  in. 
You  are  States,  and  we  can't  do  any 
thing  until  you  come  in." 

"Did  you  try?"  asked  Billy,  just 
as  cheerfully  as  before.  "We  don't 
want  to  vote.  We  are  comfortable  out 
here.  If  we  must  vote,  bring  your 
congress  out  here." 

"Billy,  I  would  if  I  could,"  said 
Mrs.  Fenelby,  "but  I  can't !  Bobberts 
[242] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

has  to  be  present,  and  he  can't  be 
brought  out  into  the  night  air." 

Kitty  half  rose  from  the  hammock. 
She  felt  to  see  that  her  hair  was  in  order. 

"Come  on,  Billy,"  she  said.  "Be 
accommodating,"  and  they  went  in. 

It  was  necessary  to  bring  Bobberts 
down  from  the  nursery,  and  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby  brought  him  in,  limp  and  sleep 
ing,  and  sat  with  him  in  her  arms. 
Mr.  Fenelby  explained  why  the  meet 
ing  was  called. 

"It  is  because  Laura  and  I  are  tired 
of  this  tariff  nonsense,"  he  explained. 
"You  and  Kitty  have  seen  how  it 
works — everybody  in  the  house  mad 
at  one  another — " 

[243] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Not  Billy  and  I,"  interposed  Kit 
ty.  "Are  we  Billy?" 

"Let  us,  for  the  sake  of  argument, 
suppose  we  are,"  said  Billy.  "We 
must  give  Tom  a  fair  chance.  It  is  his 
tariff,  not  ours." 

"Very  well,"  said  Kitty;  "we  are 
all  angry!  Let  us  quarrel!" 

"Seriously,  now,"  said  Mr.  Fenel- 
by,  very  seriously  indeed,  "this  has 
got  to  stop !  You  and  Kitty  may  think 
it  is  all  a  joke,  but  Laura  and  I  went 
into  this  thing  before  you  came,  and 
we  meant  it  seriously.  We  went  into 
it  in  parliamentary  form,  and  in 
good  faith.  Now  we  see  it  was  all  a 
mistake  and  we  want  to  do  away  with 

[244] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

it.  If  you  will  just  take  it  seriously 
for  five  minutes — if  you  can  be  sensi 
ble  that  long — we  will  not  trouble 
you  with  it  any  more.  Laura,  awaken 
Bobberts!" 

Mrs.  Fenelby  awakened  the  Terri 
tory  by  gently  kissing  him  on  his  eyes, 
and  he  opened  them  and  blinked 
sleepily  at  the  ceiling. 

"Congress  is  in  session,"  said  Mr. 
Fenelby.  "And  Laura  moves  that  the 
Fenelby  Domestic  Tariff  be  repealed 
and  annulled.  I  second  it.  All  in 
favor  of  the  motion  say — " 

"Stop!"  exclaimed  Billy,  rising 
from  his  chair.  "I  object  to  this !  Kit 
ty  and  I  did  not  come  in  here  to  have 

[245] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

such  an  important  motion  rushed 
through  without  consideration.  It  is 
not  parliamentary.  I  want  to  make  a 
speech." 

"Oh,  don't!"  pleaded  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby.  "Think  how  late  it  is,  Billy." 

"Mr.  President  and  Ladies  of  Con 
gress,"  said  Billy  unrelentingly;  "we 
are  asked  to  repeal  our  tariff  laws, 
our  beneficent  laws,  enacted  to  send 
Bobberts  to  college.  We  stand  in  the 
presence  of  two  cruel  parents  who 
would  take  away  from  their  only  Ter 
ritory  its  sole  chance — as  we  were  in 
formed — of  securing  an  education.  We 
are  asked  to  do  this  merely  because 
there  has  been  some  slight  difficulty  in 

[246] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

collecting  the  tariff  tax.  I  am  ashamed 
to  be  a  State  in  a  commonwealth  that 
can  put  forward  such  an  excuse.  I 
care  not  what  others  may  do,  but  as 
for  me  I  shall  never  cast  my  vote  to 
rob  that  poor  innocent,"  he  pointed 
feelingly  toward  Bobberts,  "to  rob 
him  of  his  future  happiness !  Never. 
You  won't  either,  will  you,  Kitty?" 

"I  should  think  not!"  exclaimed 
Kitty.  "Poor  little  Bobberts !" 

Mr.  Fenelby  moved  the  papers  on 
his  desk  nervously.  He  was  tempted 
to  say  something  about  smuggling, 
but  he  controlled  himself,  for  it  would 
not  do  to  antagonize  one-half  of  con 
gress.  He  felt  that  Kitty  and  Billy 

[247] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

had  been  planning  some  great  feats  of 
smuggling,  and  that  they  had  no  de 
sire  to  have  their  fun  spoiled  by  the 
repeal  of  the  tariff.  Probably  no 
smugglers  are  free  traders  at  heart — 
free  trade  would  ruin  their  busi 
ness. 

He  put  the  motion,  and  the  vote 
was  what  he  had  expected — two  for 
and  two  against  the  motion.  It  was 
not  carried.  For  a  few  minutes  all  sat 
in  silence,  the  air  tingling  with  sup 
pressed  irritability.  A  word  would 
have  condensed  it  into  cruel  speech. 
It  was  Billy  who  broke  the  spell. 

"I  'm  going  out  to  smoke  another 
duty-paid  cigar  before  I  turn  in,"  he 

[248] 


TARIFF  REFORM 

said.  "Do  you  want  to  have  a  turn 
on  the  porch,  Kitty4?" 

"I  think  not.  I  5m  tired.  I  '11  go 
up,  I  think,"  said  Kitty,  and  they  left 
the  room  together. 

Mr.  Fenelby  gathered  his  papers 
and  his  book  together  and  pushed 
them  wearily  into  the  desk.  Then  he 
dropped  into  a  chair  and  looked  sadly 
at  the  floor. 

"Tom,"  said  Laura,  "can't  we  stop 
the  tariff  anyway?" 

"Oh,  no!"  said  her  husband  discon 
solately.  "We  can't  do  anything. 
We  've  got  to  go  ahead  with  the  fool 
ishness  until  Kitty  and  Billy  go.  They 
would  laugh  at  us  and  crow  over  us 

[249] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

all  their  lives  if  we  did  n't.  Especially 
after  the  fool  I  have  made  of  myself 
with  this  voting  nonsense,"  he  added 
bitterly. 

Mrs.  Fenelby  sighed. 


[250] 


XI 

THE  COUP  D'£TAT 

THE  next  morning  dawned 
gloomily.  The  sky  was  a 
dull  gray,  and  a  sickening 
drizzle  was  falling,  mixed  with  a 
thick  fog  that  made  everything  and 
everybody  soggy  and  damp.  It  was  a 
most  dismal  and  disheartening  Sun 
day,  without  a  ray  of  cheerfulness  in 
it,  and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Fenelby  felt  the 
burden  of  the  day  keenly.  The  house 
had  the  usual  Sunday  morning  air  of 
untidiness.  It  was  a  bad  day  on 

[250 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

which  to  take  up  the  load  of  the  tariff 
and  carry  it  through  twelve  hours  of 
servantless  housekeeping. 

Breakfast  was  a  sad  affair.  Kitty 
and  Billy,  who  seemed  in  high  spirits, 
tried  to  give  the  meal  an  air  of  gaiety, 
but  Mr.  Fenelby  was  glum  and  his 
wife  naturally  reflected  some  of  his 
feeling,  and  after  a  few  attempts  to 
liven  things  Kitty  and  Billy  turned 
their  attention  to  each  other  and  left 
the  Fenelbys  alone  with  their  gloom. 
As  soon  as  breakfast  was  over,  Kitty, 
after  a  weak  suggestion  that  she 
should  help  Laura  with  the  dishes, 
carried  Billy  away,  saying  that  no 
matter  what  happened  she  was  going 

[252] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

to  church.  The  Fenelbys  were  glad  to 
have  them  go,  and  Mr.  Fenelby 
helped  Laura  carry  out  the  breakfast 
things. 

"Laura,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  "I  lay 
awake  a  long  time  last  night  thinking 
about  the  tariff,  and  something  has 
got  to  be  done  about  it !  I  cannot,  as 
the  father  of  Bobberts,  let  it  go  on  as 
it  is  going." 

"I  lay  awake  too,"  said  Laura,  "and 
I  think  exactly  as  you  do,  Tom." 

"I  knew  you  would,"  said  Mr.  Fen 
elby.  "The  way  Kitty  and  Billy  are 
acting  is  not  to  be  borne.  They  acted 
last  night  as  if  you  and  I  were  not  ca 
pable  of  raising  our  own  child!  I 

[253] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

really  cannot  put  another  cent  in  that 
bank  under  the  tariff  law,  Laura. 
Just  think  how  it  looks — we  are  not  to 
be  trusted  to  provide  Bobberts  with 
an  education;  we  are  not  fit  to  decide 
how  to  raise  the  money  for  him.  No, 
Kitty  and  Billy  are  to  be  his  guar 
dians.  They  don't  trust  us;  they  in 
sist  that  we  shall  keep  ourselves 
bound  by  the  tariff  system.  They 
think  we  don't  love  dear  little  Bob 
berts,  and  they  think  they  can  make 
us  provide  for  him,  just  because  they 
have  the  balance  of  power!" 

"Yes,"  said  Laura  sympathetically. 
"I  thought  of  all  that,  Tom,  and  I 
don't  think  it  does  them  much  credit. 

[254] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

It  is  easy  enough  for  them  to  say  there 
must  be  a  tariff,  when  they  bring 
hardly  anything  into  the  house  that 
they  have  to  pay  duty  on,  but  we  have 
to  keep  the  house  going.  We  have  to 
have  vegetables  and  meat  and  all 
sorts  of  things,  and  they  are  making  us 
pay  duty,  while  all  they  have  to  do  is 
to  eat  and  have  a  good  time.  Bobberts 
is  our  child,  Tom,  and  it  ought  to  be 
for  us  to  say  what  we  will  save  for 
him,  and  how  we  will  save  it." 

"That  is  just  what  I  think,"  said 
Mr.  Fenelby  feelingly,  "and  I  am  not 
going  to  stand  it  any  longer.  I  am 
going  to  have  another  meeting  of  con 
gress  this  afternoon — " 

[255] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"They  will  vote  just  the  same 
way,"  said  Laura,  hopelessly. 

"Probably,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"But  if  they  do  we  will  end  the  whole 
thing." 

"We  can't  send  them  away,"  said 
Laura.  "We  could  n't  be  so  rude  as 
that." 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  "but  we 
will  secede.  You  and  I  and  Bobberts 
will  secede  from  the  Union.  I  never 
believed  in  secession,  Laura,  but  I 
see  now  that  there  are  times  when  con 
ditions  become  so  intolerable  that 
there  is  nothing  else  to  do.  We  will 
give  them  a  chance  to  vote  the  tariff 
out  of  existence,  and  if  they  don't 

[256] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

we  will  just  secede  from  the  Common 
wealth  of  Bobberts.  We  will  have  a 
free  trade  commonwealth  of  our  own, 
and  Kitty  and  Billy  can  do  as  they 
please." 

"Tom,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  "that  is 
just  what  we  will  do!"  And  so  it 
was  settled. 

By  the  time  Kitty  and  Billy  re 
turned  loiteringly  from  church  Mr. 
Fenelby  had  progressed  pretty  well 
through  four  of  the  sixteen  sections  of 
the  Sunday  paper,  and  Mrs.  Fenelby 
had  Bobberts  washed  and  dressed  and 
was  in  the  kitchen  preparing  dinner, 
which  on  Sunday  was  supposed  to  be 
at  noon,  but  which,  this  Sunday, 

[257] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

threatened  to  be  about  two  o'clock. 
Kitty  threw  off  her  hat  and  dropped 
her  umbrella  in  the  hall  and  rushed 
for  the  kitchen.  Billy  merely  glanced 
into  the  parlor,  and  seeing  Tom  hold 
ing  the  grim  funny  page  uncompro 
misingly  before  his  face,  strolled  out 
to  the  hammock. 

"Laura,"  cried  Kitty,  "you  must  let 
me  help  you!  And  what  do  you 
think?  We  met  Doctor  Stafford,  and 
he  did  prescribe  whisky  and  rock 
candy  for  Bridget's  cold!  So  I  fixed 
everything  all  right.  I  rushed  Billy 
around  to  Bridget's  sister's  and  Brid 
get  is  just  getting  over  her  cold,  so  she 
was  glad  to  come  back  to  you.  She 

[258] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

says  she  never,  never  drinks  except 
under  her  doctor's  orders,  and  she  said 
that  if  you  had  n't  been  so  hasty — " 

Mrs.  Fenelby  dropped  the  potato 
she  was  slicing.  Her  pretty  mouth 
hardened. 

"Kitty!"  she  exclaimed.  "Now  I 
shall  never  forgive  you !  I  will  never 
have  Bridget  in  this  kitchen  again !  It 
was  n't  only  that  she  drank,  it  was  her 
awful,  awful  deceitfulness.  It  was 
that,  Kitty,  more  than  anything  else. 
I  wont  have  people  about  me  who 
will  not  live  up  to  the  tariff  poor  dear 
Tom  worked  and  worried  to  make! 
Ton  may  smuggle,  Kitty,  if  you  must 
be  so  low,  and  I  certainly  have  no  con- 

[259] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

trol  over  Billy,  but  my  servants  must 
not  break  the  rules  of  this  house.  If 
that  Bridget  dares  to  put  her  head  in 
side  of  this  door  I  will  send  her  about 
her  business." 

"Laura,"  said  Kitty,  "I  wish  you 
would  be  reasonable — like  Billy  and 
me.  We  talked  it  all  over  on  the  way 
to  church,  and  we  saw  that  it  was 
Tom's  crazy  old  tariff  that  was  mak 
ing  all  the  trouble  and  driving  Brid 
get  away  and  everything,  and  we  de 
cided  we  would  stop  the  tariff  right 
away." 

Laura's  chin  went  into  the  air  and 
her  eyes  flashed. 

"Ton  will  stop  the  tariff!"  she 
[260] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

cried,  turning  red.  "What  right  have 
you  to  stop  anything  in  this  house, 
Kitty?  And  it  is  n't  a  crazy  tariff .  It 
was  a  splendid  idea,  and  no  one  but 
Tom  would  ever  have  thought  of  it, 
and  it  worked  all  right  until  you  and 
Billy  began  spoiling  it!" 

"But  I  thought  you  wanted  it 
stopped,"  said  Kitty. 

"I  don't!"  exclaimed  Laura,  burst 
ing  into  tears.  "It  is  a  nice,  lovely 
tariff,  and  if  I  ever  said  I  did  n't  want 
it,  it  was  because  you  aggravated  me. 
I  won't  have  it  stopped.  I  won't  be  so 
mean  to  anything  dear  old  Tom  starts. 
It  's  Bobberts'  tariff.  You  ought  to 
think  more  of  Bobberts  than  to  sug- 

[261] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

gest  such  a  thing,  if  you  don't  love 


me." 


Kitty  stood  back  and  looked  at 
Laura  as  at  some  one  possessed  of  evil 
spirits.  Then  she  turned  to  the  table 
and  took  up  the  potato  knife  and  be 
gan  slicing  potatoes  calmly. 

"Very  well,  Laura,"  she  said.  "I 
tried  to  do  what  I  thought  you  would 
like,  but  if  you  want  the  tariff  so 
badly  I  shall  certainly  not  oppose  you. 
Hereafter,  no  matter  what  happens, 
Billy  and  I  will  vote  for  the  tariff!" 

"And  Tom  and  I  certainly  will," 
said  Laura  between  sobs.  "We  don't 
care  who  the  tariff  bothers,  or  how 
much  trouble  it  is.  We  are  always, 

[262] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

always  going  to  have  a  tariff — for 
ever  and  ever!" 

When  she  told  Mr.  Fenelby  this  he 
was  not  as  happy  about  it  as  might 
have  been  expected.  He  agreed  that 
under  the  circumstances  there  was 
nothing  else  to  do;  that  the  tariff  must 
become  a  permanent  fixture;  but  he 
did  not  say  so  joyfully.  He  had  more 
the  air  of  a  Job  admitting  that  a  con 
tinued  succession  of  boils  was  inevi 
table.  Job,  under  those  circumstances 
was  probably  as  placid  as  could  be  ex 
pected,  but  not  hilarious,  and  neither 
was  Mr.  Fenelby. 

Dinner  was  as  gloomy  as  breakfast 
had  been:  It  developed  into  one  of 

[263] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

the  plate-studying  kind,  with  each  of 
the  four  eating  hastily  and  silently. 
Even  Bobberts  was  not  cheerful.  He 
did  not  "coo"  as  usual,  but  stared  un- 
-  smilingly  at  the  ceiling.  Into  such  a 
condition  does  a  nation  come  when  it 
suffers  under  a  tax  that  is  obnoxious, 
but  which  it  cannot  and  will  not  re 
peal.  When  a  nation  gets  into  that 
condition  one  State  can  hardly  ask 
another  State  to  pass  the  butter,  and 
when  it  does  ask,  its  parliamentary 
courtesy  is  something  frigidly  polite. 
Suddenly  Mrs.  Fenelby  looked  up. 

"Tom,"   she  said,   "there  is  some 
body  in  the  kitchen !" 

Mr.  Fenelby  laid  his  fork  softly  on 

[264] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

his  plate  and  listened.  There  was  no 
doubt  of  it.  Someone  was  in  the  kit 
chen,  gathering  up  the  silverware. 
Mr.  Fenelby  arose  and  went  into  the 
kitchen.  Almost  immediately  he  re 
turned.  He  returned  because  he 
either  had  to  follow  Bridget  into  the 
dining  room  or  stay  in  the  kitchen 
alone. 

"It  's  me,  ma'am,"  said  Bridget. 
She  planted  herself  before  Mrs.  Fen 
elby  and  placed  her  hands  on  her  hips. 
Mrs.  Fenelby  arose.  "I  've  come 
back,"  said  Bridget. 

"And  you  can  go  again,"  said  Mrs. 
Fenelby  regally.  "I  do  not  want  you, 


you  can  go!" 


[265] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  said  Bridget.  "  JT  is 
all  th'  same  t'  me — stay  or  go,  ma'am, 
— but  I  '11  be  askin'  ye  t'  pay  me  a 
month's  wages,  Mrs.  Fenelby,  if  ye 
want  me  t'  go.  A  month's  wages  or  a 
month's  notice — that  is  th'  law, 


ma'am.' 


"The  idea!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fen 
elby.  "I  have  not  even  hired  you, 
yet!" 

"No,  ma'am,"  said  Bridget,  "but  th' 
young  lady  has.  She  hired  me  with 
her  own  mouth,  at  me  own  sister 
Maggie's,  who  will  be  witness  t'  it, 
an'  I  have  been  workin'  in  th' 
kitchen  already.  I  've  washed  th' 
spoons." 

[266] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

"The  young  lady,"  said  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby  coldly,  "has  no  right  to  hire  ser 
vants  for  me." 

"And  has  n't  she,  ma'am?"  said 
Bridget  angrily.  "Let  th'  judge  in  th' 
court-house  say  if  she  has  or  has  n't! 
Don't  try  ti  fool  me,  Missus  Fenelby, 
ma'am.  I  've  worked  here  before, 
ma'am,  an'  I  know  all  about  th'  Com 
monwealth  way  ye  have  of  doin' 
things.  Wan  of  ye  has  as  good  a  right 
t'  vote  me  into  a  job  as  another  has, 
Mrs.  Fenelby,  an'  th'  young  lady  an' 
th'  young  gintleman  both  asked  me  t' 
come.  Even  a  poor  ign'rant  Irish  girl 
has  rights,  Mrs.  Fenelby,  an'  hired  I 
was,  t'  worrk  for  th'  Commonwealth. 

[267] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

An'  here  I  stay,  without  ye  choose  t' 
hand  me  me  month's  wages !" 

Mrs.  Fenelby  looked  appealingly  at 
Tom,  and  Tom  looked  at  Billy. 

"I  think  she  'd  win,  if  she  took  it  to 
law,"  said  Billy.  "You  know  how  the 
judges  are.  And  if  she  brought  up  the 
matter  of  the  Commonwealth,  you 
know  you  did  make  Kitty  and  me  full 
partakers  in  it." 

"Tom,"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby,  "pay 
her  a  month's  wages  and  let  her  go !" 

Mr.Fenelby  moved  uneasily.  He  had 
put  all  his  money  into  Bobberts'  bank. 
In  all  the  house  there  was  not  a  month's 
wages  except  in  Bobberts'  bank.  Mr. 
Fenelby  looked  toward  the  bank. 

[268] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

"Never !"  said  Billy.  "I  put  money 
into  that,  and  so  did  Kitty.  It  is  for 
Bobberts,  not  for  month's  wages.  I 
object." 

Mr.  Fenelby  looked  away  from  the 
bank.  He  looked,  helplessly,  all 
around  the  room,  and  ended  by  look 
ing  at  Laura. 

"My  dear,"  he  said,  "I  think  we  had 
better  keep  Bridget." 

"I  think  ye  had!"  said  Bridget. 
"For  there  ain't  no  way  t'  git  rid  of 
me.  I  'm  here,  ma'am,  an'  I  don't  bear 
no  ill  will.  I  forgive  ye  all,  an'  I  'm 
willin'  t'  let  by-gones  be  by-gones,  ex- 
cipt  one  or  two  things,  which  ye  will 
have  t'  change." 

[269] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

"The  idea!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Fen- 
elby.  Bridget  shrugged  her  shoul 
ders. 

"Have  it  yer  own  way,  ma'am,"  she 
said.  "I  am  not  one  that  would 
dictate  t'  th'  lady  of  th'  house.  I  am  no 
dictator,  ma'am,  an'  I  don't  wish  t'  be, 
but  here  I  am  an'  here  I  stay,  an'  't  is 
no  fault  of  mine  if  some  things  riles 
me  temper  and  makes  me  act  as  I 
should  n't.  I  'm  one  that  likes  things 
t'  be  peaceful,  ma'am,  for  no  one 
knows  how  much  row  a  girrl  can  make 
in  th'  house  better  'n  than  I  does, 
especially  when  she  's  hired  by  th' 
month  an'  can't  be  fired.  I  can't  forget 
one  Mrs.  Grasset  I  worked  for,  ma'am, 
[270] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

an'  her  that  miserable  an'  cryin'  all  th' 
time,  just  because  I  had  one  of  me  bad 
timper  spells.  I  should  hate  t'  have 
one  of  thim  here,  Mrs.  Fenelby." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby,  control- 
ing  his  righteous  indignation  as  best 
he  could,  "what  is  it  you  want?" 

"I  want  no  more  of  thim  tariff 
doin's!"  said  Bridget  firmly.  "Thim 
tariff  doin's  is  more  than  mortal  mind 
can  stand,  Mr.  Fenelby,  sir !  Nawthin' 
I  ever  had  t'  do  with  in  anny  of  me 
places  riled  me  up  like  thim  tariff 
doin's,  an'  we  will  have  no  more  tariff 
in  th'  house,  if  ye  please,  sir." 

"Well,  of  all  the  impert — "  began 
Mr.  Fenelby  angrily,  but  Mrs.  Fen- 

[271] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

elby  put  her  hand  on  his  arm  and 
quieted  him. 

"Tom,"  she  said,  "please  be  care 
ful  !  You  do  not  have  to  spend  your 
days  with  Bridget,  and  I  do!  Don't 
be  rash.  Send  her  into  the  kitchen  un 
til  we  talk  it  over." 

Bridget  went,  willingly.  She  gath 
ered  an  armful  of  dishes,  and  went  in 
to  her  throne-room,  bearing  her  head 
high.  She  felt  that  she  was  master 
and  she  was. 

"Now,  this  Commonwealth — "  be 
gan  Mr.  Fenelby,  when  the  kitchen 
door  had  closed,  but  Billy  stopped 
him. 

"Stop  being  foolish,  Tom,"  he  said. 
[272] 


THE  COUP  D'fiTAT 

"What  Commonwealth  are  you  talk 
ing  about?  This  is  not  a  Common 
wealth — this  is  an  unlimited  dictator 
ship,  and  Bridget  is  sole  dictator! 
Wake  up;  don't  you  know  a  coup  d' 
etat  when  you  see  one ?  Can't  you  tell 
a  usurper  by  sight?" 

Mr.  Fenelby  looked  moodily  at  the 
kitchen  door. 

"That  is  what  it  is,"  said  Billy  de 
cidedly.  "The  dictator  has  smashed 
your  republic  under  her  iron  heel; 
your  laws  are  all  back  numbers — if 
she  wants  any  laws,  she  will  let  you 
know.  I  know  the  signs.  When  a 
Great  One  rises  up  in  the  midst  of  a 
Republic  and  puts  her  hands  on  her 

[273] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

hips  and  says  cWhat  are  you  going  to 
do  about  it?'  and  there  is  rit  anything 
to  do  about  it,  you  have  a  dictator, 
and  all  that  you  can  do  is  knuckle 
down  and  be  good." 

There  was  a  minute's  silence.  The 
Commonwealth  was  dying  hard. 

"I  could  shake  the  money  out  of 
Bobberts'  bank,"  said  Mr.  Fenelby, 
but  even  as  he  said  it  Bobberts  wailed. 
His  voice  arose  clear  and  strong  in 
protest  against  that  or  against  some 
thing  else.  The  kitchen  door  swung 
open  and  the  Dictator  ran  in  and  ap 
proached  the  Heir,  and  Bobberts  held 
out  his  arms. 

"Bless  th'   darlin',"  said  Bridget, 

[274] 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

cuddling  him  in  her  arms,  but  Mrs. 
Fenelby  frowned. 

"Give  him  to  me,"  she  said  sternly, 
and  Bridget  turned  to  her.  And  then, 
in  the  eyes  of  all  the  Commonwealth, 
Bobberts  turned  his  back  on  his  own 
mother  and  clung  to  the  Dictator! 
Clung,  and  squealed,  until  the  danger 
of  separation  was  over. 

"You  see!"  said  Billy,  trium 
phantly. 

Mrs.  Fenelby  sighed.  The  Dicta 
tor  had  won.  The  tariff  was  dead. 

"And  in  our  house,"  said  Kitty, 
cheerfully,  "we  won't  have  any 
tariff,  will  we,  Billy?" 

"Your    house!"     exclaimed    Mrs. 

[275] 


THE  CHEERFUL  SMUGGLERS 

Fenelby,  forgetting  all  about  the  Dic 
tator  in  the  new  interest,  and  bright 
ening  into  herself  again. 

"Our  house,"  said  Kitty  proudly. 
"Mine  and  Billy's." 

"Our  house,"  echoed  Billy,  blush 
ing.  "We  can't  stand  a  Dictator, 
and  we  are  going  to  secede  and — and 
have  a  United  State  of  our  own." 

"Is  N'T  it  splendid  about  Kitty  and 
Billy?"  said  Mrs.  Fenelby  that  even 
ing  to  Tom,  as  they  bent  over  Bob- 
berts'  crib.  "And  if  it  had  n't  been 
for  our  tariff  driving  them  together  I 
don't  believe  it  would  ever  have  hap 
pened." 


THE  COUP  D'ETAT 

"It  's  fine!"  said  Mr.  Fenelby. 
"Fine !  And  that  other  set  of  Eugene 
Field  will  do  for  a  wedding  present!" 

THE  END 


[277] 


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